


The Cat from Kanto

by Blasta6000



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series)
Genre: Arceus is Drunk, Generations I-VII, Historical Format, Hoopa is Annoying, Jirachi is Insane, Kyogre will build this canal!, Mew has a God Complex, Rayquaza is Lazy, The Thundercat Rises, Victini is the Worst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2018-09-06 11:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 40,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8749282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blasta6000/pseuds/Blasta6000
Summary: The History of Westeros after the arrival of an entire pantheon of Mad Gods (Kyogre, I'm looking at you). Watch in awe as the established orders collapse under only minor pressure, from the Night's Watch to the Maesters to the ENTIRE CITY of Lorath.Despite that, most of the legendary pokemon (plus 1 Mudkip, 10 Chandelures and Missingno.) are still more likable than the normal population. Most, because Hoopa is a total douchebag.





	1. First Steps

**Author's Note:**

> The Cat from Kanto -or- How Arceus and Mew fucked over everyone -or- How Lord Tywin learnt fear.
> 
> Cross-posted from Alternate History.

**First Steps**  
**The Arrival I**

_"Is that a Fetus?" - Last Words of Gregor Clegane, mere minutes after the Arrival._

_"All Men Must Die! Hahahahaha!" - Kyogre, upon meeting the Ironborn._

_"Palkia you dick! Where am I?!" - Apparently Dialga, while attacking some Mountain Clans._

_"Where are the Blasted Power Plants!" - Zapdos, while hovering over Storm's End._

The Events of the years 299-302AC have been recorded countless times by scholars, maesters and historians. So too have the events been discussed, examined intently for explanations for the climatic events of this period. This has undoubtedly proved a horrendously difficult task, not helped by many of the survivors refusing to set down their accounts. But I hope to at least provide an understandable account of the War of the Legends.

'The Arrival' as it has been christened by the smallfolk occurred on the first day of 299AC. At this point in time, many of the great lords of Westeros had been led into a war following the death of King Robert Baratheon: with the opposing leaders at the time being King Joffrey Baratheon, King Stannis Baratheon, King Renly Baratheon and Robb Stark, heir to Winterfell. Only a few battles had taken place, primarily between Joffrey Baratheon's forces - who were invading the Riverlands - and the Tully and Stark forces who were defending. The Starks held captive Ser Jaime Lannister, while Joffrey's forces held Lord Eddard Stark and his eldest daughter Sansa.

And so the scene was set.

As the day dawned bright on the first month of 299AC, a large number of strange and powerful beasts appeared throughout the known world. Ranging from tiny to the size of giants, it is believed that there were less than a hundred of them. But considering their power, that was very little comfort.

Leaving aside the ones in Essos and Sothoryos for the time being (such as _Moltres_ and _Solgereo_ ) and the ones who would wait to make their presence known (such as _Groudon_ and _Mewtwo_ ); the first response of many to the sight of these beasts were panic. To be fair, a massive floating blue whale with teeth is a reasonable reason to panic, though attacking it in response (as some unfortunate Ironborn sailors found out) is not a good idea. But at least _Kyogre_ had a decent lunch.

In other places as well the arrival of these animals was met with violence, such as in the Riverlands where a raiding party led by Ser Gregor Clegane was destroyed by _Mew_ while they were attempting to ransack a village. In the Vale, a group of mountain clans was devastated by the emergence of _Dialga_ \- furious at being moved across the worlds.

Not all of the responses to 'the Arrival' were negative however. In Storm's End and Beyond the Wall, the Baratheon troops and the Wildlings marvelled at the sight of the birds _Zapdos_ and _Articuno_. On Dragonstone, the Red Priestess Melisandre praised the arrival of the dragon _Zekrom_ , announcing it as a sign from her god. And on the God's Eye, the few remaining Green Men recieved with grateful arms the appearance of _Uxie_ , the guardian of knowledge.

But on Dragonstone, in Harrenhal, in Highgarden and in Riverrun the commanders of the armies were taking notice of these creatures; wondering how they could use their power for themselves. And the realm was going to shake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Style for this story was inspired by Antione's 'A Different Weasel Makes a Difference'. I really suggest giving that a read.
> 
> ...after you've finished my stuff. :D


	2. The Chosen Few

**The Chosen Few**   
**The Arrival II**

_"We've already claimed this mountain Rayquaza. Find another one." - Dialga, at the former Eyrie._

_"Welcome to Riverrun, uh..."_   
_"Suicune, legendary beast of water."_   
_"Swe-coon, got it."_   
_\- Robb Stark and Suicune, while meeting in Riverrun._

"Praise the Lord of Light for he has delivered our salvation unto us!" - Melisandre, at a evening worship session.

"Find me a Gracidea Flower and I'll consider helping." - Shaymin, to Margaery Tyrell.

As the sun set on the first day of 299AC, panic was sweeping the lands of Westeros. The arrival of the magical beasts had forced terror to the forefront of all mortal minds. Already, lords such as Tywin Lannister were ordering missions to kill or capture these creatures - in Tywin's case due to anger over Gregor Clegane's death. Balon Greyjoy was ordering a quest to slay the 'Sea Dragon' that had wiped out an Ironborn crew, a situation not helped by Aeron Greyjoy's preaching that the mission was ordered by the Drowned God himself. The beast _Kyogre_ had been last seen heading towards the Lonely Light and it was hoped that the quest could slay him before any damage was done to the rebuilt Iron Fleet.

All of this paled however, to the great damage occurring in the Eyrie, castle of House Arryn. The beasts _Dialga_ and _Palkia_ \- furious at the change in locale - had decided to claim the mountain for their temple. While many of the servants and guards were allowed to escape down the mountain, any who remained (including Lysa Arryn and Robert Arryn) were crushed as _Palkia_ used its powers to transfigure the castle into a large temple which it named 'Spear Pillar 2.0'. An attempt by Gates of the Moon archers to kill the beasts was swiftly ended by a single blast from _Dialga_.

The situation was further complicated when another dragon-looking beast (later revealed to be called _Rayquaza_ ) turned up with intent to claim the mountain himself. After a tense discussion with the other two creatures, _Rayquaza_ headed south-west - roughly in the direction of Casterly Rock. This was probably for the best.

But elsewhere in Westeros, the first polite meetings were occurring between the kings/lords and the magical creatures. In the castle of Riverrun, Robb Stark recieved the legendary beast _Suicune_ in front of a stunned court. While clearly nervous (and not a little scared after hearing the power of some of the other creatures), the young commander managed to be unfailingly polite and respectful to the animal. In return, _Suicune_ was willing to lend assistance in explaining the current situation and some of how the beasts had been transported to our worlds.

Unfortunately, for whatever reasons Robb Stark took much of this information to his grave.

On Dragonstone, similar events were occurring at the court of King Stannis Baratheon. The dragon _Zekrom_ (apparently unable to talk) pledged it's allegiance to the king for its own private reasons. The court was ecstatic at this occurrence, though the followers of the Lord of Light were confused as to why the dragon controlled lighting rather than fire. They took the arrival of _Zekrom_ as a sign that the war would be easily won - for due to the island's isolation they were not yet aware of any of the other creatures.

The final incident where a commander directly met a beast was in the castle of Highgarden, seat of House Tyrell. There King Renly and his wife Margaery Tyrell encountered the small beast _Shaymin_ who agreed to lend them its help if they could find it a certain type of flower. Unfortunately, the name _Shaymin_ supplied was not familiar to the royals and they had to begin a frantic search for possible matches.

Across the kingdom, several other figures were being befriended by the magical beings. In White Harbour, Wyman Manderly befriended a beast called _Manaphy_. In the King's Landing, Myrcella Baratheon bonded with a creature called _Jirachi_. And in Sunspear, Doran Martell had met a golem called _Regirock_.

The Game continues...


	3. Kings of the Sea

**Kings of the Sea**   
**Iron and Water I**

  
_"You see this fish! I'm gonna wrestle it!" - Victarion Greyjoy, on stupidity._

_"Who dares interrupt the King of the Sea's napping time!" - Kyogre, on early mornings._

_"In the end, the defeat probably helped the Ironborn learn we were not invincible on the ocean." - Rodrick Harlaw, on Ironborn Suicide Rates, 314AC_

_"If he's not fighting Groudon, I don't have to do anything." - Rayquaza, on being a lazy git, 301AC_

There are several rules one must remember when fighting a dangerous beast. The first and perhaps most important, is to never fight it alone. The second is the rule that you should not fight the creature in an environment where it has the advantage. For example, don't fight a Direwolf in the deep forests of the north. Don't fight a shark in the open sea. Don't fight a dragon in the air.

The Ironborn sent to fight _Kyogre_ completely failed to obey either of these instructions. To be fair they had little knowledge of what the creature actually was, but considering they had labelled it as a Sea Dragon... the sanity of their strategy does not stand up to much. Their longships were not armed with a single armament, and the weapons they had on hand were mainly swords, axes and bows - ludicrous for fighting a whale, let alone a god of the ocean.

The unity of the Ironborn forces was also in question. Many of the captains and sailors of the ten longboats were determined to take the glory of killing the Sea Dragon for themselves, enough that they were willing to disobey their superior's orders and sabotage others attempts. At least five of the Ironborn died before even reaching the Lonely Light, and three more had been badly injured.

And then they arrived. _Kyogre_ was resting in full view of the Ironborn, half-submerged in a small lagoon. According to rumour he had somehow gained a Tequila and was sipping it happily, enjoying a break from causing chaos. Behind the monster massive cliffs rose up, forming the small island called the Lonely Light. Some would have suggested that the situation was perfect for a battle, with three cliffs around the beast preventing it from moving. They would have also have suggested that not fighting the beast on the open ocean was an excellent opportunity, as it prevented _Kyogre_ from using his full apocalyptic powers.

However these were Ironborn and therefore bred specifically to be incompetent.

With a cry of his famous words, Victarion commanded the Ironborn to attack. Archers took up positions on the decks and launched a massive volly straight at the beast. The longships themselves moved forwards, several of them preparing to ram the creature. Unfortunately, _Kyogre_ summoned a water spout between him and the Ironborn - absorbing the projectiles and preventing the longships from engaging. Apparently he then demanded for them to "Fuck off!", not bothering to move from his resting position.

The Ironborn did not listen. With their ships unavailable, they would just have to fight the creature on land! At least three of the longships were abandoned as their crew swarmed onto the narrow rocky beaches of the lagoon, hurling insults - and arrows - at the sea beast. A few even waxed into the water with axes and swords, determined to prove themselves the masters of the ocean.

And finally, _Kyogre_ decided to actually do something.

With a single swipe of his tail, the swimming Ironborn were crushed - some literally torn apart from the strength of the hit. The crew on the beaches barely had time to scream before they too were attacked, the creature summoning both a stream of ice (later revealed to be called an 'Ice Beam') and a massive wave of brown water to annihilate his foes. Then turning his attention to the trapped Longboats (who had sailed partway into the lagoon in their attempt to engage), he blasted a massive funnel of water straight at them.

There were no survivors.

Up on the cliffs, the houses of the Lonely Light looked on with despair at the destruction of their salvation. Several cast themselves of the cliffs - including at least three drowned men - to prevent themselves from being consumed by the monster. A paltry few gathered whatever weapons they had, determined to at least go with bravery to their deaths. But many more, trembling as _Kyogre_ turned his yellow eyes upon them cast down their weapons and knelt crying:

"Hail! Hail to the Sea God!"

A new religion had arisen. One that would shake the Iron Islands to their core.

\----------------

Meanwhile _Groudon_ was asleep under the Vale dreaming of ponies. But that's irrelevant.


	4. The Demon and the Bastard

**The Demon and the Bastard**   
**A Golden Pride I**

_"Finally! A good place for a kip!" - Rayquaza, on reaching Casterly Rock_

_"I want a pet monster!" - King Joffrey Baratheon, being a greedy shit._

_"New Plan. Let's not upset Myrcella's pet demon." - Tyrion Lannister, after Jirachi blasted Joffrey through a wall._

_"And I thought Ecruteak was an eyesore!" - Mew, eying up Harrenhal._

At the turn of the year in 298/299AC, things were not looking good for House Lannister. Half the Seven Kingdoms were directly at war with them, while most of the others were staying firmly neutral. The only saving grace was that their enemies were against each other as well and therefore unlikely to combine forces to destroy them. Even with this however, the forces of King Joffrey were aware that the question they should be worrying about wasn't if there would be a great battle for the Iron Throne, but when it would be. Would it be Renly Baratheon who attacked the city? Stannis Baratheon? Robb Stark?

Unfortunately for them, the arrival of the magical beasts did not improve the situation. While the creatures did not universally align with one side, many of them remaining neutral - such as _Dialga_ and _Palkia_ \- or creating their own side - such as _Kyogre_ and _Ho-oh_ ; several had allied with Westerosi armies.

Stannis Baratheon and _Zekrom_.

Renly Baratheon and _Shaymin_.

Robb Stark and _Suicune_.

But as of yet, none of the creatures had allied with House Lannister. Despite Lord Tywin's best attempts, his men had been unable to catch the being _Mew_ , or discover any others like him in the area (the Green Men were choosing to remain silent about _Uxie's_ precence). Indeed, the creature had begun a minor guerrilla conflict against the Lannister raiders, allying with Lord Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr. While most of the casualties of this campaign were mere sellswords and not actual Lannister men, the attacks were preventing any forces from moving North of Harrenhal to engage with the Starks. This could not continue.

Unbeknownst to Tywin Lannister however, other Lannisters had come into contact with the creatures. His sister Genna had been disturbed to wake up one morning to discover the presence of _Rayquaza_ on the top of Casterly Rock, the dragon having decided to claim the mountain after failing to take the Eyrie. Thankfully his attempts at building a temple were far less destructive, the dragon constructing a large stone tower reaching into the heavens. He would fetch the rock from an unknown location (later discovered to be quarry near Cornfield) and then blast it into position with a strange green flame. Construction was progressing surprisingly quickly considering his lack of useful hands.

Thankfully for Lady Genna and her family, _Rayquaza_ had chosen to ignore the other occupants of the castle mountain; limiting his activities to the summit. Indeed, he had allowed Lannister troops to inspect the lower portions of his tower (named Sky Pillar by the children of Lannisport) and install some features of their own - such as a door and wooden floors. The fact that he was crouched behind them the entire time is irrelevant. Indeed the only aggressive action he had shown whatsoever was his destruction of the cart of a Braavosi merchant who had been selling an odd novelty called balloons. The dragon's reasons are unknown.

The same could not be said for the second magical creature that had decided to grace the Lannisters with its presence. According to Princess Myrcella, the small being _Jirachi_ was her companion and trusted friend. According to the rest of the Red Keep, the little creature was a naughty 'demon', with no respect for privacy and a annoying capacity for pulling pranks. Many people were pranked by the creature, including Queen Cersei - who awoke to discover she had unremovable red hair - or Ilyn Payne - who awoke to discover he was now a woman. Even Eddard Stark, imprisoned in the dungeons was pranked, growing a large brown beard.

The most well known of these 'pranks' is the recurring one pulled on King Joffrey Baratheon however. After a violent outburst where the juvenile king tried to take his sister's companion out of jealousy, _Jirachi_ made it a personal mission to visit Joffrey at least once a day to fling him through a wall. Or a window.

None of these occurrences were known to Lord Tywin however, who was trapped fuming in Harrenhal. Much of his 'work' in the northern Riverlands had been undone by either the armies of the Starks defeating his troops, or _Suicune_ and _Mew_ repairing the land. But at the same time, he could not move south to King's Landing or west to the Golden Tooth, due to the threat of the Starks attacking the other castle. While he ruled Harrenhal, the Stark forces were tied down - as were hopefully the strange creatures. But the Lannisters needed an opportunity, and they needed one fast.

For to the north, a large force was gathering at the town of Lord Harroway. And the beast _Mew_ was preparing to attack Harrenhal itself.


	5. Heaven's Light

**Heaven's Light**  
**The Fall of Essos I**

_"They will serve me in death." - Ho-oh, before the fall of Vaes Dothrak_

_"Destroy the Harpy! Break your Chains!" - Cobalion, during the Scouring of the Slavers_

_"What...sorcery..." - Last words of Khal Jhaqo_

_"Digiballs, not this shit again!" - Lugia, during 300AC_

There is one thing nearly all scholars and maesters agree on about the period known as the 'War of the Legends'. That no matter how bad the situation was in Westeros (with the exception of the great clashes in the Vale), the conflict in Essos was far, far worse. For one, unlike Westeros the old orders did not manage to survive for any great period of time. Indeed several of them collapsed in the first days of the conflict leaving a chaotic void behind them for their former subjects to fight over.

Take the Dothraki for example. Ever since the Doom of Valyria these horselords had been rampaging throughout central Essos; looting cities, ravaging flocks, etc. Worse still, after the Fall of Sarnor none of the free cities had seen fit to fight the barbarians - preferring to pay them off with gold, slaves and other goods. While the lack of true battle had somewhat weakened the overall experience of the horselord warriors, all too often it had granted them a unmovable position of power, with no one willing to stand up to them.

299AC would change all that.

The arrival of the great bird _Ho-oh_ at the sight of a Dothraki rampage would spell the end times for the horselords. Angered by the bloodshed, the bird - with a single flap of its wings - smote the Khalessar, sparing none. And then - with a second, single flap - he resurrected the spirits of their horses as his servants. Much was changed about the appearance of these steads. Some now had flame for their manes, while others had strange fur patterned after lighting bolts. Some had grown to massive sizes with their hair fashioning itself into dreadlocks. Some had even grown a second mouth in their tails. Others still had shapeshifted into still stranger forms, including one that apparently had wings. After the changes were done, the resurrected horses bowed before _Ho-oh_ \- sinking to their knees in reverence. Then together they rode north towards the City of Vaes Dothrak, leaving only dust in their wake.

Meanwhile in the region known as Slaver's Bay, another conflict was taking shape. The sword-beast _Cobalion_ had begun a campaign to free the enslaved from their masters - beginning in the City of Meereen. Throughout the city and regardless of their previous natures, slaves were compelled to rise up against their masters and to take control of their own fates. All over the city, families of slaveowners were brutally hacked to death as their former property picked up knives and turned against them. Cobalion himself annihilated the great pyramid in a blast of light generated by his sword shaped horn. Those slavers who attempted to escape were caught by a further two sword-beasts, _Terrakion_ and _Virizion_.

By evening, no slavers were left alive in Meereen. Only former slaves, just now coming to the realisation of their actions. Many collapsed in horror of their actions. Some cheered with the realisation that they were now free. A few wondered what they would do next, how they would survive with the city now in flame. And the sword-beasts now having competed their business, gathered together and headed southwest towards the city of Yunkai.

On the Dothraki Sea three more khalessars had been destroyed and their steeds added to _Ho-oh's_ hordes. Great swathes of the plains were now scorched wastelands, with others having been stripped by the massive herd. The march continued, heading to Vaes Dothrak - and the Doom of the Horselords.

Here it might be prudent to question the creatures' reasons for acting as they did. While it can be argued that their actions were for the greater good in the long term (destroying two corrupt societies and freeing the oppressed), in the short term tens of thousands would die from starvation, from bandits or from the massive riots that would follow. Perhaps they failed to predict the future? Perhaps they operated on a different set of morals? Perhaps they decided that fighting for a good future was worth devastating a corrupt present?

To this day the truth remains unclear.

I will also make a brief note about the rise of certain religious sects in Essos, that began with 'The Arrival'. The Church of the Flaming Chicken begun to rise as a faith of the Lhazarion people following the acts of _Ho-oh_. In the city of Meereen, thousands flocked to worship the three 'Sacred Swords' (a faith that amusingly still refuses to accept the existence of a fourth). Of course, the existing beliefs were not pleased about this and soon another type of war was being considered by their adherents.

A religious one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ho-oh's resurrected horses were references to, in order: Ponyta, Blitzle, Mudsdale and Girafarig - plus a pegasus because WHY ISN'T THERE ONE OF THOSE YET?!!


	6. Bird Types are OP

**Bird Types are OP**   
**The War in the South I**

_"Any price for whoever finds that fucking flower!" - King Renly's Great Offer (Thank you, Shapeless Phobos!)_

_"It...rose out of the water. A...black tower...it saw us..." - A survivor of the Fall of Greyshield._

_"I thought you got rid of that thing?"_   
_"I blew up an island! Why wouldn't that kill it!"_   
_"We've never been allowed to go back to Cinnabar. Ungrateful shits."_   
_\- Mewtwo, Heatran and Mew, while visiting Ho-oh in 302AC_

_"How did our greatest champion end up being a guinea pig?" - Willas Tyrell, upon the finding of the flower._

From the outset of 299AC, the forces of the Reach had believed they would win the war easily. After all, combined with King Renly's supporters in the Stormlands they outnumbered every other faction. With the likely allegiance of the Starks and Tullys, the general opinion was that the war would be over before the year was out.

For once, the arrival of the beasts did not do much to dampen their moods. Sure the Septons were panicking about what 'the Arrival' meant and the Maesters were slowly going insane, but the important thing was that the beast was prepared to swear allegiance to King Renly. And after _Shaymin_ blasted a pigeon out of the air for daring to defoul his flower bed, the morale grew even more positive!

There was one small issue however. _Shaymin's_ allegiance relied upon Renly's forces finding a particular kind of flower, bearing a name unfamiliar to any Westerosi. Faced with the terrifying prospect of his rivals having control of a beast instead of him, King Renly ordered a 'Great Flower Hunt' where flowers of all varieties - including several purchased from merchants - were brought before _Shaymin_ to inspect. Unfortunately, none of them were accepted by the 'guinea pig' as Willas Tyrell called it; and day by day the frustration of the Tyrell forces grew.

On the bright side, the gardens of Highgarden were looking better than ever and the part of the army under Lord Tarly was preparing to invade the southern Westerlands. The rest of the army was ready to move the moment _Shaymin_ was recruited.

However, _Shaymin_ wasn't the only beast to have arrived in the environs of the Reach. Another, far nastier being had taken up residence in the Shield Islands. Taking several forms - including a enormous black tower, skeletons of monstrous creatures, a wall of blood red runes and a shrouded dark figure - this creature proceeded to instantly begin an assault on the inhabitants of the islands. Every night, hundreds of people and animals would die, slashed apart by impossibly flat blades. Or in some cases, they would vanish entirely. Night time activities became practically non-existent, families huddling around their fires for warmth with swords ready.

The other beings around the world universally referred to the being as _'Missingno'_ and disturbingly, reacted with fear at its mention. Among themselves they referred to a prior event involving the beasts _Mew_ (currently in the Riverlands) and _Heatran_ (currently in Old Valyria), in a place called Cinnabar Island. No records of the known world have ever revealed this island's location, leading to this story being one of the key elements of the theory that the beasts came from another world entirely. Public perception of the creature has also given rise to several other names spawned from the nightmarish stories of survivors: 'The Entity', 'The Tower of Hell', 'The Black Cloud', 'Skeletor', 'The Last Watcher' and 'He who should not be'.

In summary, a disturbing entity even by magical creature standards.

Several septons on the islands attempted to rally against the being, claiming they would call on the Seven to "destroy the abomination!" Unfortunately, their desecrated corpses proved that such efforts were pointless. And the casualties were increasing by the day. Predictably, many highborn and smallfolk chose to flee the islands rather than risk being murdered by the beast. Lord Guthor Grimm sent his family away to the mainland the second a man died in his castle - and not a moment too soon, as he would be found the following morning split from head to toe. This mass exodus became known as 'The Fall of the Shield Islands', territory lost not from invasion but from the fear of its inhabitants. It would take days for news to reach Highgarden.

Meanwhile in King Renly's court, the Gracidea flower had finally been found by one of Queen Margaery's maids; a northerner named Lady Mira Forrester. The girl was immediately 'adopted' by _Shaymin_ , who announced that the confused handmaiden was now it's 'trainer'. It demanded to be carried everywhere and petted near constantly. Worried about what would happen if it was refused, the court ordered her to agree. However, it did swear allegiance to King Renly.

The court was also left speechless after the flower came in contact with _Shaymin_. In an instant, the creature changed forms and sprung into the air on newly grown wings. An aura of light flashed through Highgarden and the surrounding area, flowers springing up anyway dirt could be found; no matter how poor or shallow. The Legend of the Sky Warrior had begun.


	7. A Dog, a Cat and a Lake Spirit

**A Cat, a Dog and a Lake Spirit**   
**The War in the North I**

_"A Ditto is less screwed up sexually than you are." - Suicune to Jaime Lannister._

_"If you ask me to roll over again, I'll bite your hands off!" - Grey Wind, after being granted the ability to talk._

_"Why are you doing this?!"_   
_"Because you're all arseholes. Now stay still so I can blast your face in."_   
_\- A Lannister soldier and Uxie, during the Battle of Harrenhal._

_"The Lannister name will not die cowardly." - Last recorded words of Tywin Lannister, before confronting Mew, Suicune and Uxie._

  
The Riverlands, current domain of House Tully and site of countless wars for its valuable resources - second only to the Reach. At the beginning of 300AC the situation looked dire for this region of Westeros. From the south a massive Westerlands force had invaded the kingdom, massacring House Tully's army and ransacking countless castles. From the north, the forces of House Stark had come south to wage their own fight against the Lannisters, with the southern Riverlands as the Chosen battlefield. While the Starks were (in name) the Riverlord's allies, that did not stop their battles from ravaging the land, their scouting parties from stealing the food stocks, or in far too many cases; their soldiers from raping and murdering the smallfolk.

The Riverlands were bleeding out and the war had only just begun.

And unlike Shaymin, the creatures transported to the Riverlands could not automatically fix these issues. True, Suicune's mere presence would calm the weather allowing for good harvests (speculated to be related to his master Ho-oh' opposition to Lugia), but when the fields had already been ravaged and scourged these abilities were less than useful. Mew and Uxie had no such environmental abilities, leaving them unable to help either. And so the land continued to suffer.

The occupiers on the other hand, were doing fine. Or at least the Northmen and the Westermen wise enough to flee before they were stuck in Harrenhal were. Many of the latter even managed to take their loot and spoils back to their home castles, due to the utter crushing of any Riverlands resistance. Their allies in Harrenhal too were feeling positive. Sure their outriders and scavenging parties had been destroyed by Mew, but sooner or later the beast would be killed and in the meantime the Harrenhal food stores could keep them all well fed. Plus, if events got too bad the Tyrells would march up the road to support them (the fact that the Tyrells were supporting King Renly had not yet reach the trapped Westermen). All in all, life was good.

The Northmen too were feeling positive, due to the agreement of the beast Suicune to support Robb Stark's campaign to release his father (the public confession of Lord Eddard having been delayed due to Joffrey's injuries after being flung across the throne room by Jirachi). The beast's power had already been shown in the destruction of several Lannister remnants fleeing the aftermath of the Battle of Riverrun and after a bumpy start, the creature was becoming very popular in the Northern camp. A very public dressing down of Jaime Lannister (who could only stare dumbfounded through the entire experience) helped with this. Granted a few rapists and thieves had been on the receiving end of the beast's wrath, but that could be excused.

Robb Stark had also been benefiting from the addition of Suicune to his side. Many riverlords praised the prestige that came from owning such a creature, though the Young Wolf (or the beast himself) were quick to disabuse them of the notion of ownership. Robb Stark's famous speech on Suicune ( _"I am not his master. He chose us, not the other way around and we do not have the right to misuse his power."_ ) dates from this period (though it is occasionally attributed to Brynden Tully). However, it is accepted by the Maester Order that the seeds of the great political power 'trainers' would hold, were planted here at Riverrun. But regardless of ownership, the northern and riverland lords flocked to offer their allegiance to the young lord. And in many cases, the lords brought their young daughters as well - conveniently forgetting about young Robb's betrothal to a Frey.

Mew, meanwhile was plotting his attack against the citadel of Harrenhal. Content that any surviving 'foraging' parties were too scared to carry on their nefarious deeds, the being had turned his eyes to the black citadel - only to be stumped by the dark magic residue in its walls. According to the creature later, he could have broken through the magical barrier on his own but doing so would have left home exhausted for days; giving the Lannisters time to flee. Regardless of whether or not he was lying, Mew immediately called on the aid of his nearest companions - Uxie, currently inhabiting the Isle of Faces and Suicune from Riverrun. One thing to note is that as he was leaving, Suicune passed on the ability to talk to Robb Stark's direwolf Grey Wind, apparently through the boosting of the animal's aura. Unlike Ho-oh's horse army however, the direwolf did not get any improved combat abilities though the ability was passed on the animal's descendents.

Assembled outside Harrenhal - and pointedly ignoring the Westermen's attempts to crush them via catapult - the beasts combined their power to tear down the walls of Harrenhal. A casual reader may mistake this for them merely tearing down part of a rampart. In reality, _every_ wall in Harrenhal was torn down. From the massive curtain wall surrounding the entirety of the castle, to the ruined walls of the old kitchens, to in many places the walls of the great towers. In a instant the defences of the once thought impenetrable castle were rubble, leaving the Lannister army defenceless before the onslaught of the legends.

After such a display of power, the organisation of the Westerlands army collapsed. Some men made valiant attempts to bring down the beasts, either through bow or through sword. One of these attacks succeeded in hitting Suicune's rump, leaving the creature with a large scar that would take months to heal. But most either fell or fled. Tywin Lannister and his last loyal men met the beasts before the wreckage of the Kingspyre tower. It is unlikely any of them managed to land a single strike.

For better or for worse, the Lions had been thrown from the Riverlands. And for now at least, the Wolf ruled over them.

 

 


	8. Too Much Water

**Too Much Water**   
**Iron and Water II**

_"The wise ones will bow. Unfortunately that excludes most of them." - Azelf, during the 'Ocean's Wrath'._

_"Oh, I've wasted my life." - Last words of Balon Greyjoy, before being explodicated._

_"When the fuck did you bring down a Wailord?" - Kyogre, on visiting Nagga's Hill._

_"What do we do now?"_  
"We sail for the coast and pray the Greenlanders will show mercy. We have no other options."  
\- A Sailor and Asha Greyjoy, after the 'Ocean's Wrath'.

 _Kyogre's_ conquest of the Lonely Light had signalled the beginning of a new era in Ironborn history. Gone was their mastery of the waves - much of it lying in pieces on the seabed - replaced with a great uncertainness for what was to come. The few survivors of the Battle of the Lonely Light had only briefly stopped off at Pyke during their panicked escape, before fleeing even further towards Lannisport. Worryingly, they were merely regarded as cravens by most of the Ironborn population who quickly gathered Ships for another attack on _Kyogre_.

They wouldn't even be allowed the time to prepare.

The King of the Sea had grown quickly bored of receiving worship from his new followers on the conquered island. His lack of legs and their lack of fins might have been partly responsible, as he had to sit halfway out of the water on a beach to be spoken to and they obviously could not go underwater (despite their best attempts). However he did like the idea of people worshipping him and resolved to increase the number of his followers by conquering the rest of the Iron Islands. The fact that several other magical beasts had flown over to call him an 'egomaniac' (including _Rayquaza_ , _Mew_ and _Dialga_ ) might have assisted in leading him to this path.

Before I move on to describing the conquest that followed this decision, I will take a brief second to mention a notable quirk in _Kyogre's_ behaviour. The beast by this point - two weeks into 'The Arrival' - had shown two temperaments. The first and most violent of these was it's 'kill everything' mindset, referred to as the 'Maelstrom Phrase' by the Maester order. When _Kyogre_ was in this mood, he would attack without provocation and cause violent ocean currents wherever he went. The second mood (the 'Lull Phrase') on the other hand was far more peaceful, less provocative and accompanied by calm seas and currents. The beast could still be angered if attacked, but not to the extent it's prior behaviour had shown. It is now known that these moods varied on a two day to weekly cycle with no warning to signal a change between them.

The currently most popular theory is that these moods are in some way linked to the creature's mastery over the ocean. For while the sea can be violent one day, the next it can be calm and gentle. This also accounts for the creature's behaviour; where it would destroy Ironborn ships one week, but help damaged ships into Lannisport harbour the next (though the latter may have been partially so he and _Rayquaza_ could insult each other).

But enough about theories. With a sudden burst of energy, _Kyogre_ flashed out of the lagoon and headed back to the main group of Isles. All around him the weather darkened and began to storm; thunder, rain and lightning throwing themselves from the heavens. The few ships not yet in harbour rushed for safety as the hurricane's ferocity increased with every minute. The ones that failed to make it would vanish into the depths of the ocean, never to be seen again. And the great behemoth swooped down of Pyke, calling for revenge after the 'pitiful' attack on him.

Amusingly, _Kyogre_ seemed more offended that the battle wasn't a challenge for him than he was about it happening in the first place.

Lordsport was quickly annihilated; by which I mean sunk into the ocean by the laughing blue abomination. Any attempts to shoot the creature down were met with a hyper beam to the face, leading the majority (surprisingly as these were still _Ironborn_ ) to flee into the hills in the hope _Kyogre_ wouldn't follow them. He didn't, though likely just out of lack of interest rather than any compassion. Following this destruction _Kyogre_ moved onto Pyke Castle - first knocking the two sea towers into the ocean by headbutting them, then by blasting the rest of its cliff with a blast of water. Balon and Aeron Greyjoy - along with their household - perished along with the castle, ground against insurmountable odds.

But that was not the end of _Kyogre's_ conquest of the Islands. The beast moved onwards, setting his eyes upon the bones of Nagga's Hill on Old Wyk, leaving only ruins behind him. Quickly annihilating the few Drowned Men who had gathered in the ruins, the creature landed upon the Seastone Chair's dais, squashing the throne flat. Then, freezing barriers up between each of the ribs he rolled over and settled down for a nap in a pool of water created on the floor. The storm did not abate however. Powerful winds raked the isles, as terrible whirlpools swirled in the seas between. The world shook and the people of the islands - devoid of any refuge - could only cling to the rock and pray for salvation. To the Drowned God or to the Beast of the Sea?

When the winds finally fell, _Kyogre_ ruled over the islands from Nagga's Hill. The Drowned religion had fallen, the few surviving priests fleeing with Asha Greyjoy's fleet towards Seaguard. And the new king, pleased with his work on the isles set his sights elsewhere.

Oldtown. Where another beast had just awoken...


	9. Why does this Dragon shoot Lightning?

**Why does this Dragon shoot Lightning?**  
**The War in the South II**

_"Smiting people with lightning sounds more like the Father to me. Maybe the Red God is expanding his horizons?" - Ser Justin Massey, before a large argument with Melisandre._

_"I am a tree. Ignore me." - Xerneas, to some poachers in the Kingswood._

_"Ser Penrose, if I so wished I could fly the dragon over your walls and bypass your garrison entirely. Surrender peacefully." - King Stannis Baratheon to Lord Courtney Penrose, during the parley outside Storm's End._

_"Kill the Stag! Death to the Old Gods!" - Battlecry of the Warrior's Poachers_

_"Well, poop." - King Renly Baratheon, upon hearing of the situation._

  
When Aegon the Conquerer first planned his conquest of Westeros he constructed a large model of the continent to plan over, beautifully carved with features only a dragonrider would know. This model would become known as the Painted Table, an object of curiosity for countless Targaryens afterwards who would often plan their own wars and schemes on its magnificent surface. And when Dragonstone fell to Stannis Baratheon at the conclusion of Robert's Rebellion, the future king took possession of the artifact himself.

Now, with only small parts of the Stormlands allied with him against his opponents; Stannis Baratheon used the model to plan his own strategy in the coming war. His naval forces were excellent (due to control of the Royal Fleet) and so too were his air forces - following the appearance of Zekrom. But his land army was...lacking. Not perhaps in heart, for the followers of the Red God were certainly stirred into mania: but in numbers he was outnumbered by every other faction - even the Lannisters following the destruction of Harrenhal (though news would not reach the south for several days). And so Stannis's council was forced to plan and scheme, searching for a way to gather support for his cause.

Meanwhile, tensions were coming to a head on Dragonstone between the worshippers of the Red God and the followers of the Seven. Despite Lady Melisandre's hopes, the dragon Zekrom did not show any interest in 'converting' the populace - or for that matter much at all. When not in use by Stannis, the dragon would often be found on the beaches of Dragonstone; staring in the rough direction of Dorne. Several times the Red Priestess had to suddenly move a worship session due to Zekrom wondering off, disturbed by all the noise. But the dragon's control over lightning was causing its own problems as well.

For while Lady Melisandre and her converts were convinced that the dragon was a gift from the Red God, many of the Faith worshippers had claimed it for the Seven following a comment made by Justin Massey. A pointed remark by Maester Cressen about the only recent dragonriders being faith worshippers had only further degraded the situation. Hardly a day went by without a fight breaking out (even though those responsible were punished) or Lady Melisandre making an increasingly desperate demand for the sept to be burned. Something needed to happen soon, or the forces gathered on Dragonstone would be too busy tearing each other apart to fight for the Iron Throne. And Zekrom was not alone as the harbinger of religious arguments in the Stormlands.

Deep within the Kingswood, a group of smallfolk poachers had been alarmed by the appearance of the Stag-shaped beast Xerneas. Firstly because of its colouration, secondly because it was glowing and thirdly when it decided to talk to them. The fact that the stag appeared from nowhere - replacing a large tree - may have also contributed to the shock of the poachers. Wisely they ran away, rather than attacking the beast as that would have surely led to their deaths. However when they reached their village, the frantic retelling of the story would have awful consequences in the months to come. Even more so when another group of hunters told the same tale.

Back on Dragonstone however, King Stannis Baratheon had finally formulated a proper strategy. To take King's Landing he would require more support, even with the aid of Zekrom. Especially since rumours had arrived about a magical beast (Jirachi) attaching itself to Princess Myrcella. He needed an army. The problem was that this was much easier said than done. The ideal recruiting ground, House Baratheon's ancestral lands had already mostly declared for his ambitious brother Renly along with the Reach. This could not be tolerated if the King wished to press his claim. So the king decided to kill two Pidoves with one stone and ordered his forces to prepare for combat.

For Stannis had planned a direct attack on the centre of Renly's power. The ancestral Baratheon stronghold of Storm's End which the man himself had withstood siege in during Robert's Rebellion. Ironically, it was not actually difficult for Stannis to take the fortress during this conflict - unlike the Tyrells. The troops left behind by King Renly immediately yielded upon seeing Zekrom, allowing Stannis to quickly set his mind to capturing the surrounding areas. A letter was sent to King Renly, demanding his submission - even as Stannis's wife and daughter were moved into the ancient castle. It is debated to this day as to whether or not Stannis believed he could convince Renly to yield, or merely wished to lure him into a trap. Later events would give evidence for both arguments.

But back in the Kingswood, a small conflict had broken out between smallfolk recruited by radical Faith worshippers (many of whom would later become members of the 'Reborn Faith Militant') and the beast Xerneas. Convinced the creature was an avatar of the Old Gods (due to its ability to become a tree), the militants had recruited as many poachers as possible to bring it down. The quiet support of the lords of Felwood and Haystack Hall (both of whom had heard of the chaos in the Riverlands) only further inflamed the passions of all involved.

However when the army entered the Kingswood, Xerneas did not make an appearance - likely because he had reverted to tree form. Unfortunately this did not stop the militants, as the more extreme members began a forest fire in an attempt to smoke the creature out. As there had been no rain for quite some time, the fire quickly grew out of control until vast swaths of the northern Kingswood were aflame. Many of the militants met their ends here, swallowed up by their own folly. The Lords of the nearby keeps frantically ordered breaks in the forest to be carved out, in an attempt to prevent the flames from reaching their lands.

And then Xerneas reappeared. Banishing the flames with a single action, she reared up on her hind legs and roared at those who had angered her:

_"LEAVE THIS PLACE!!!"_


	10. Red Sails, Blue Sails

**Red Sails, Blue Sails**  
**A Thousand Problems I**

_"Latias has...issues with male humans. None of us quite understand her attraction to them." - Latios, to the Sealord of Braavos_

_"That's what you call indestructible steel? You people are pathetic." - Mewtwo, to the smiths of Norvos_

_"I told you! My cave keeps getting cold at night and this is the solution!" - Azelf to Mewtwo, during the Great Carpet Theft_

_"I refuse to perform midwifery again. If she doesn't want to have kids, then she should learn how to use birth control!"_  
"Landy, you can't say that."  
"Why? Deoxys knows how it works."  
"...Deoxys did what?!"  
\- Landorus and Lugia, on Latias

 _"By the light of the Sun! Sacred Sword fly from me! Destroy the evil of my enemies!"_  
"...um, nightmares, nightmares, wooooo..."  
\- Keldeo and Darkrai, while fighting off Black Goat Priests.

  
At the beginning of 299AC, life continued as normal for the residents of the northern Free Cities - Lorath, Pentos, Norvos and of course, Braavos. Surprisingly peaceful even. None of them were involved in any wars, the Dothraki had been payed off recently (plus delightful rumours of chaos in the grass sea) and trade was proceeding quite happily. The whispers of a war in Westeros were regarded by most of the population as a mild curiosity, with only a few bankers worried about debts bothering to look any closer. Most merchants laughed, joking about the 'silly' Westerosi acting up again. Much of the populace barely spent a minute thinking about the news. And to be fair, at the moment the war did not seem poised to cause trouble in Essos at all.

'The Arrival', contrary to its effect in many areas (throughout Westeros, in Volantis, on the Dothraki Plains, etc.) did very little to dispel this mood. People were naturally confused when they spotted sights such as _Mewtwo_ standing on a rooftop, but relatively few large, city smashing issues occurred. However (proving that our lands really could never be peaceful in 'the Chivalry Age') a thousand other problems arose to take their place.

The first and most well known of these is the seduction of the beast _Latias_ by the First Sword of Braavos, while the former was disguised as a Braavosi courtesan (apparently out shopping for milk). The man's name has since been lost to history - possibly due to being chucked face first into the Distortion World - but the result was that _Latias_ was pregnant with a human child (again, according to several other of the beings) and therefore stuck in human form. Her brother _Latios_ was most infuriated by this and demanded that the Sealord allow them houseroom until the child was born. Faced with a hyper beam to the face, the man agreed.

Perhaps everything would have been fine if the situation hadn't been misinterpreted by several religious groups. As seemed to be happening everywhere in those times.

Meanwhile in Norvos, the many craftsmen of the city were being bothered by a floating blue fairy and a tall pink cat/fetus/thing ( _Azelf_ and _Mewtwo_ ), both of whom had decided to investigate this new world they had ended up in. This 'investigation' would have gone on slightly better if they hadn't felt the need to insult and question _everything_ they saw; including some highly valued craftsmanship, literature and architecture. Neither of them was the being of wisdom however and so the knives quickly started appearing from people's belts.

The two of them could had sorted that problem out easily if the other beasts hadn't forced them into a vow not to hurt anymore humans. _Mewtwo_ had willingly taken the vow with the provision that he could intervene if there was a legitimate threat. _Azelf_ however had been forced to take it (as the being of Willpower) after he had beaten up most of the population of a land called Orre. A few other of the beings had also taken the vow, though _Kyogre_ , _Kyurem_ and _Arceus_ had deliberately gone into hibernation whenever the topic came up. And _Rayquaza_ just mysteriously vanished into space.

So all too soon, _Mewtwo_ and _Azelf_ were on the run - though they had stretched the vow to an extent allowing them to conjure walls and mess around with people's minds. And for that matter, steal most of the carpets in the city for whatever reason. This - naturally - just further upset the people of Norvos.

To the north, the City of Lorath was suffering from its own problems following the arrival of the great beast _Lugia_. Unintentionally, the giant bird had summoned several giant storms that plagued the city and the surroundings - including the sea providing most of Lorath's food. Slowly the population was starving, unable to fish or trade due to the sea's anger. And no one had yet managed to get close enough to _Lugia_ to ask him to stop. With the addition of the attacks of a small group of Ironborn (led by Euron Greyjoy) and another entity deep inside the maze...well, as the title says 'a thousand problems'.

Pentos and Qohor on the other hand were fine for the most part, with the former being spared from the arrival of any beasts and the latter only having to deal with a small skirmish. Granted that skirmish had involved a sentient black shadow and a blue unicorn fighting off a horde of the Black Goat's priests, but for now the cities themselves were peaceful. _For now_ , of course being the important word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orre is the setting for Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness.


	11. Destiny Dragon

**Destiny Dragon**  
**The Fall of Essos II**

_"I am Cobalion. Once I was a simple Swasbuck, one of many thousands of my kind. But then came the great wars of Houses Black and White, when all of Unova was threatened by the actions of man. I chose to take this form, chose to end the threat and save my kind, chose to dedicate my life to protecting them! What did my peaceful life matter, compared to the suffering of the many? **Have you ever even considered doing something so worthwhile?** "  
\- Cobalion, to the Slavers of Astapor_

_"I wonder where Keldeo is."_  
"Eh, I'm sure he's fine."  
\- Virizion and Terrakion, while arguing about travel plans

_"I understand the reasons behind their actions. In the long term, perhaps I will even be grateful. But I cannot forgive them for the blood they have made me spill!"  
\- Allion the Great, to a crowd of former slaves._

_"Ai Ai Deoxya funatlin!"_  
"...uh, could you say that again?"  
\- Deoxys and Daenerys, in Qarth

 _"You cannot change what I have foreseen! The future is already written!"_  
"Not today."  
\- Pyat Prye and Daenerys, before the former was doused with dragonfire.

  
It would take a while for the news of Meereen's destruction to reach the other cities of Slaver's Bay. This is not surprising, considering the lack of ravens in Essos and the destruction of the small fleet. Messengers were also slow in coming, hindered by both fear and the chaotic situation in the ruined city. However by its absence, the destruction of Astapor was made much easier for the three 'Sacred Swords'.

That is not to say that it would have been particularly difficult anyway, as the beasts quickly used the same magic as before to turn the slaves against their masters. Before this however, _Cobalion_ himself questioned the Slavers for the reasons behind their actions, behind their cruelty and greed. And not satisfied with their explanations from where he stood upon the walls, he raised his head and begun the attack.

The Astapor slavers actually managed to manage themselves better than their counterparts in the opening stages of the battle. Many of them instantly retreated into their fortified pyramids, behind doors and walls - slaughtering those few slaves that were inside during Cobalion's speech. A 'Good Master' named Grazdan mo Ullhor was responsible for the deaths of nearly a hundred slaves, after he succeeded in releasing the pet elephants of the masters and driving them into a frenzy. Sadly the animals were soon obliterated by _Terrakion_ , while Grazdan himself fell to a group of possessed Unsullied. Several of the Masters also managed an spirited defence with the bow, taking up positions on the balconies of their temple fortress to fire upon the slaves and beasts below.

Interestingly enough, this resulted in the first known injury being dealt to one of the magical creatures, when _Virizion_ received an arrow to its flanks (Suicune's injury would come a few weeks later). Unfortunately for the slavers, the beast was not slain and quickly sent a blast of light at the Good Masters who were responsible.

And by nightfall the city was firmly under slave control. The great pyramid had held out for less than an hour, and by the passing of two there were no surviving slavers in the city. A family of them did escape west without notice, but would only now play an important role much later on in the conflict. As with Meereen, a large number of the slaves were utterly traumatised by the murder they had been forced to do, even if the dead were usually hated by the slave population.

Unlike Meereen however, many of them - particularly the surviving Unsullied - were prepared to do something about it. According to a leader of the new force (named Allion the Great in posterity) they were grateful to the beasts for being freed from their chains. However they could not forgive being forced to kill against their will, not when much of the population was utterly broken after the battle. And they would have revenge. The Hunt of Slaver's Bay had begun.

At the same time that this was going on (or near enough, as dating is difficult in this theatre of the wars) Daenerys Targaryen, last known scion of the Targaryen family was arriving as the city of Qarth after a long trek through the desert. With her was the remnants of her husband Khal Drogo's Khalessar, an exiled northern knight called Jorah Mormont and three baby dragons.

The population of Qarth was understandably impressed by the dragons (though not by the Khalessar) and allowed the Targaryen lodgings within the city. They also apparently embroiled her in their schemes, though little is known of whether anything became of this). And isolated from the rest of the world by distance, Daenerys continued to make her flawed plans to return to Westeros in relative peace.

That is not to say that everything went smoothly for the girl. For reasons that had never been revealed by the time of her death, Daenerys was present at the Tower of the Undying at the time of its destruction, if not directly responsible. What is known is that she had been invited by a 'warlock' of the temple (Pyat Prye) to visit and that apparently her dragons were involved. And that she had met another of the beasts there.

But _Deoxys_ was no ordinary beast. Unique among the ones discovered so far, he/she/it had the ability to change form, shifting features from a hulking brute to a thin athlete in a instant. And even stranger, unlike the other beings who spoke the common tongue of Westeros fluently, _Deoxys_ spoke a strange otherworldly language. Much of this was later credited to a different origin for _Deoxys_ compared to the other beasts however, for unlike the other who appeared all at the same time, _Deoxys_ had arrived earlier. The being had crashed into the ground as a meteor, five years earlier.

And he was not the only one...

 

**Omake: At the Tourney of Harrenhal (Non-canon)**

**Aerys:** Because my kingsguard are apparently useless, Rhaegar has won the tournament! (Whispering) Shithead. Ahem...Champion, you may crown your queen of love and beauty.

_'The Crowd cheers, only to immediately stop when Rhaegar's horse trots by his wife'_   
****

**Aerys:** Wait! What are you doing?

'The Crowd gasps as Rhaegar forces his horse to jump through a flaming hoop held up by the otherwise useless kingsguard'  
 ****

 **Robert:** (Bellowing) Show off!  
 ****

 **Ned:**  (Also Bellowing) Pansy!

 **Rhaegar:** Fire cannot kill a dragon! Now to crown my Queen of Love and Beauty...

_'Loud giggling echoes down from above'_   
****

**Rhaegar:**...I have chosen Ly - wait, what's that noise?

_'Rhaegar looks up to see a horde of Chandelures approaching him from above'_   
****

**Rhaegar:** Oh crap, it's happening again! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

_'The Crowd looks on in horror as Rhaegar is turned into kindling'_   
****

**Aerys:** Hahahaha! So my son was no true Dragon after all to so easily burn! That means his...

_'Chandelures turn to look at Aerys'_   
****

**Aerys:** Oh shit.


	12. The Wishes of the Young, the Failures of the Old

**The Wishes of the Young, the Failures of the Old**   
**A Golden Pride II**

_"This is your fault Cersei. Don't try and deny it."  
\- Tyrion Lannister, on his sister's questionable life choices._

_"Ser Meryn! If you would begin showing the court how we punish traitors?"  
\- Joffrey Baratheon, ordering his kingsguard to beat Sansa Stark_

_"Are we...do you think supporting any of these men is the right thing to do? I have seen the brutality of humans before, Uxie but...something worse lurks in the hearts of these men."_  
"The right thing? No. But for now it is the only thing we can do."  
\- Suicune and Uxie, on the problem of Kings.

 _"If you tell anyone about this, I'll be telling everyone how you tasted!"_  
"Ooo, I didn't know you were into that Raiky..."  
"Gaaah! Kyogre's Tits! That's not what I meant and you know it!"  
\- Raikou and Jirachi, after the former's hair was braided.

 _"All I want, all I wish is for me and Tommen to be safe."_  
"If that is what you wish."  
\- Last recorded words of Myrcella Baratheon/Waters and Jirachi's response

As the reader might expect, the destruction of Harrenhal meant nothing good for the Lannister/apparent Baratheon faction. The war had been going on for less than a year and they had already lost the entirely of their main army, along with the majority of their sellsword recruits. Even more worrying was the loss of many of the Westerlands lords and knights, including such famous figures as Addam Marbrand, Gregor Clegane and the two eldest sons of Tytos Lannister, Tywin and Kevan.

The bright side, if it could be called that was that their enemies possessed very few hostages that could be used against them. The downside was that the possible hostages were instead lying under the rubble of Harrenhal. And of course, Jaime Lannister (now the debated heir to Casterly Rock along with his brother Tyrion and his nephew (or son) Tommen) was one of the few who had been captured; a painful truth for the rest of his family.

Now the Lannister cause rested entirely in the hands of Cersei Lannister and her brother Tyrion. Unfortunately for their allies, the two of them hated each other. The feud stretched from the days of their childhood, when their mother Joanna died giving birth to the dwarf. Cersei - understandably considering her age - blamed her younger brother for this and her cruel treatment of him led Tyrion himself to resent her. The fact that the apparent meditating presence of Jaime Lannister was currently in the Riverrun dungeons only worsened the situation.

But all was not lost. Two of the opposing factions under Stannis and Renly Baratheon were focusing their attentions on each other, rather than deal with the Lannisters in King's Landing. The fact that this occupied two of the magical beasts ( _Shaymin_ and _Zekrom_ ) was a bonus. The situation with the Stark faction was not altogether lost either. Eddard Stark and his daughter Sansa were both captives of the court of King's Landing (along with the greatsword Ice) and could have been instrumental in forging a peace treaty - or at the very least decent terms for surrender.

Or that would have been the case, _if_ they still had all their hostages. Unbeknownst to everyone (except perhaps himself), Eddard Stark had become seriously ill during his time in the Black Cells. To the horror of many, he passed on after barely more than a month into 299AC despite the care of Maester Pycelle. And the damage did not stop there for the relationship with House Stark. Angered by the death of his grandfather (and being repeatedly shoved through a wall by _Jirachi_ ), King Joffrey Baratheon ordered the reforging of the greatsword Ice as a Lannister sword. Furthermore, Sansa Stark was brutally beaten and whipped in front of the court of King's Landing - so much that she would be left with large scars for the rest of her life.

King Robb's reaction to this news was fairly predictable. According to legend, his anger at the situation was so vast that it truly disturbed many of his advisors (including _Suicune_ ) and roused an feud between the Westerlands and his kingdoms which would continue for generations. He did however instantly order his troops to march on King's Landing. A small part of his army remained behind to guard the Riverlands from attack, either from the Golden Tooth or the coast - rumours of _Kyogre's_ rampage finally reaching Riverrun.

As the Stark army slowly approached however, King's Landing was shocked by the arrival of another one of the magical beats. The quadruped _Raikou_ had taken passage on a ship to look for its missing brethren - particularly its sister _Suicune_ and master _Ho-oh_. Unfortunately for the creature it immediately ran into Tommen Baratheon, who promptly 'adopted' him and insisted on calling him 'Thunder Kitty'. Too kind-hearted to upset the child (and perhaps realising that _Suicune_ would soon arrive), _Raikou_ proceeded to allow the boy to enact his fantasy world.

Or he would have done if Myrcella Baratheon hadn't chosen this time to make her divine wish granted by the powers of _Jirachi_. For the girl understood the danger her family was in. Perhaps if Cersei and Joffrey Baratheon had payed more attention she would have asked for their protection as well, but isolated from them she merely wished for her's and Tommen's protection and survival. The following day the court would be shocked when the two of them and the beasts with them, vanished into thin air.

\----------------  
Outside the city, Myrcella and Tommen gazed upon _Jirachi_ , as it entrusted _Raikou_ with their safety before vanishing. Years later, Myrcella would write down their final conversation, word for word - including the beast's explanation of what it had done:

"They'll be looking for a Lannister girl, ten years of age and her brother. So I have made you into Baratheons, Black of hair and blue of eye. I have also made you older, for a young girl will have trouble surviving in the wild. But now the choice is yours - will you make your own claim for the throne or fade into history?"


	13. Hellfire

**Hellfire**   
**The Fall of Essos III**

_"This is how it happened. This is how the Horselords died."  
\- An extract from Jorah Mormont's oft criticised memoirs._

_"Bring it down! Bring it dow-"  
\- A Demon Hunter, prior to being obliterated by Genesect._

_"Ride out my friends! They cannot kill all of us!"  
\- Khal Gorgo, before the invaders kill all of his forces._

_"Justice is done."  
\- Ho-oh, watching the destruction of Vaes Dothrak._

_"I expect this sort of pyromania from Groudon. Speaking of which, where is Groudon?"  
\- Entei, when meeting Ho-oh later in the year._

By the second month of 299AC, the Dothraki Sea was truly aflame. The rampage of _Ho-oh_ towards Vaes Dothrak - while pleasing for other factions - was devastating the Dothraki as their own horses turned against them. _Ho-oh's_ army would spare any travellers or traders they came across, but the same could not be said for any Khalessars they encountered. Those would be slaughtered and their own steeds resurrected, as the horde marched further into the dense grasslands. At least three of the hordes would meet this fate.

Perhaps if the Dothraki had been beloved by their neighbors, this could have been prevented - or at least lessened in its impact. But centuries of looting and raping had driven hatred deep into the hearts of all their neighbors, so despite the valuable trade routes no one lifted a finger to help the Horselords. Indeed, Pentos and several other cities began to subtly reclaim land that they had previously lost - the Dothraki all being called home to face off against the terror approaching Vaes Dothrak.

But even with these efforts, when the attack finally came on the city of the Horselords they were woefully undermanned. Not only was _Ho-oh_ too powerful for them to deal with, but many of the forces had perished fighting another threat entirely. A magical beast that had taken up residence in the mysterious woods of Ifequevron. A voiceless being (later referred to as a ' _Genesect_ ' by Mewtwo, though Mew and Arceus would insist of referring to it as a _Perellax_ ) had intervened in the endless conflict between the Wood Walkers and the Demon Hunters, bringing death and despair to both sides. Even worse was it's unpredictability, striking from the shadows when least expected - only to disappear just as quickly.

Two Dothraki Khalesars in the area had been fighting each other, but had been tempted into attacking the weakened region upon hearing of the situation. Not only had this drawn them into conflict with the two factions that inhabited this forest - who were not so weak as to not fight back against the barbarians - but into the fight with _Genesect_ as well. As one should expect by now, this didn't turn out well for them.

But the chaos in the Kingdom of the Ifequevron could not even compare to the events at the political centre of the Dothraki Sea. In a horrendous massacre (later called the Calamity of Vaes Dothrak), _Ho-oh's_ resurrected army swept into the city at dawn. The meagre defences of the city were instantly torn aside by beams of fire, water, lightning, earth and a thousand other varieties of death. The Horselords fell with ease, their lack of armour and strategy only making their deaths come quicker. Only fifty of _Ho-oh's_ forces fell in the onslaught, all to arrows rather than the arak.

The great phoenix himself hovered in the skies above the burning city as this all happened, his shadow driving fear into the Dothraki's hearts. This only got worse when the bird pulverised the Mother of Mountains, sending the remains of her peek crashing into the lake called the Womb of the World. Women and children would often be spared the onslaught (with the exception of the Dosh Khaleen who would perish in the collapse of their homes). Men were not spared and fell screaming to their former steeds. This was the day the Dothraki as a people died. This was the day the Kingdom of the Horses was founded upon the ashes of war.

Unsurprisingly, few people outside the situation were upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perralax is my nickname for the original species that Genesect is resurrected from. And yes, it is a nod to Green Lantern.


	14. The Falcon has Fallen

**The Falcon has Fallen**   
**Blood and Moonlight I**

_"This is the time of chaos, when only a sword in your hand can ensure your survival."  
\- Yohn Royce, during the Council of Runestone._

_"The Vale needs a leader my Lords. Who better than an Arryn?"  
\- Lady Anya Waynwood, to the Lords present at the Council of Runestone._

_"_ **WHO DARES** \- Oh, it's just you Jirachi. Go away, we're in the middle of a Poker Tournament."  
"A Strip Poker Tournament?"  
"No. Partly because none of us wear clothes."  
\- Dialga, Jirachi and Palkia, at Spear Pillar 2.0.

 _"I demand eight barrels-"_  
"Nine."  
"Nine barrels of your finest whiskey. Failure to respond promptly will result in **OBLITERATION**."  
\- Palkia and Jirachi, visiting a local brewery.

_'Snores' "-eh what? Wha? Who's making all that screeching?"  
\- Groudon, awakening from a nice, long nap._

_"My brothers. The Arryns are dead and the dragons lounge in the ruins of their castle. The time has come for us to make the Vale burn!"  
\- Belgar of the Redsmiths, shortly before he and his entire clan were incinerated by the awakening of Groudon. (Credit to Vlad von Carstein)._

The situation of the Vale following 'The Arrival' is perhaps the most interesting of all of the kingdoms. For while the majority of the population had been unharmed - indeed, many of them were green when it came to combat - the entire ruling faction and their castle had been wiped out. Where for centuries House Arryn had ruled from on high, dragons now sat having raucous drinking contests in a rebuilt temple. Attempts by the knights of the Gates of the Moon to put an end to this had resorted in their death and the near destruction of the ancient castle. They had also been recently joined by a psychopathic fairy.

As one would expect, this caused a great deal of confusion to the Lords of the Vale who now had no clear answer to the question of who ruled the Vale. Many contenders sort to place their claim, including Harrold Hardying (the legitimate heir), the Arryns of Gulltown and several notable Vale houses who saw their own chance to rise to the Lord Paramountcy. Tempers began to reach boiling point and if not for the foresight of Lord Yohn Royce (and the agreement of Anya Waynwood), it is quite likely Civil War would have broken out. Lord Royce's suggestion was simple: the claimants and other lords of the Vale would meet under Guest Right at Runestone where the great matter could be resolved peacefully. The Bloody Gate and the Gates of the Moon were not possible as meeting places due to the War of Five Kings and the presence of Dialga and Palkia respectively.

The unspoken threat was that Harrold Hardying's supporters - who far outnumbered all other factions and counted the Royces among their numbers - would crush any House that dared break the fragile peace. Faced with this knowledge the Lords were quick to send their affirmative replies. Aside from the Corbray party being attacked by Mountain Clansmen, none of them reported violence. That is not to say the situation was happy however. The mood of the council was tense, with accusations being cast against all the candidates - ranging from questions about honour, or ancestry, or respect for the Seven. Several times Yohn Royce himself had to intervene to remind parties that they were under Guest Right.

They were still debating the correct path to take when cataclysmic events happened elsewhere in the Vale.

Unbeknownst to the Vale Lords, one other beast had been transported to the Vale. As he was in deep hibernation at the time this is understandable, especially as he was asleep underground. But unfortunately enough, men of the Redsmiths Clan who operated a hidden mine right on top of Groudon's lair had succeeded in awakening the beast. By no measure of the imagination was this a good thing.

The entire northeast of the Vale was drowned in a massive volcanic eruption as the great fire behemoth crawled its way to the surface. Places such as Coldwater and Sunkenwood were covered with ash and magma, as the resulting earthquake of the eruption shook Westeros to its core. The tremors would be heard as far away as King's Landing, but in the Vale the very land itself was reshaped by the behemoth's might. Several of the Fingers collapsed into the ocean. Heart's Home was annihilated by a monstrous superheated geyser. The Paps island actually rose by at least two meters. Several rivers dried up (those those at least would reform in time).

An accurate death toll is difficult to predict for the cataclysm, owing to both poor records and the lack of certain records such as the numbers of the Mountain Clans. Certainly the number was above 4,000, though estimates range as high as 9,000 for some particularly gloomy maesters. The economy in the Vale collapsed, with businesses and buyers alike being swallowed up by the chaos. Several sects (that managed to survive) began to predict the end of the world. The Snakewood was rendered uninhabitable, as were many areas in this region.

Worse still was the fact that the damage didn't stop. For Groudon did not go back to sleeping, instead beginning to stop slowly southwards - as if something he desired was in that direction. Something that would unlock even more of his powers...

For the Clash of Legends was fast approaching.

 

**Omake: The Legend of Thundercat**

_The sound of pawprints cross the glade!_   
_Good folk, lock up your maiden daughters._   
_The storm moves forward on our lands!_   
_The Lord has come to save our spirits!_

_Thunder-cat! Thunder-cat!_   
_He rides a mighty steed!_   
_Thunder-cat! Thunder-cat!_   
_He's masterful indeed!_

_Where high and low alike are harmed,_   
_The Knight will come with shining hammer!_   
_Evil flees before his strike!_   
_The dead are no match for his glory._

_Thunder-cat! Thunder-cat!_   
_His sword is made of Dawn!_   
_Thunder-cat! Thunder-cat!_   
_He is the sound of storms!_   
_Thunder-cat! Thunder-cat!_   
_We hear a mighty roar!_   
_Thunder-cat! Thunder-cat!_   
_Jirachi is a *****!!!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End song should be sung to the tune of Blackadder. If not obvious, it refers to Tommen and Raikou.


	15. Do you want to build an Abomasnow?

**Do you want to build a Abomasnow?**   
**Winter is Coming I**

_"Mud-kip?"_   
_\- The Mudkip of Eternal Irritation, to Howland Reed._

_"What the-ARCEUS!!! WHY HAS THIS THING FOLLOWED US HERE!"_   
_"What thing-OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! NO! NO!"_   
_"Wait for it..."_   
_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"_   
_"Seriously, how did it follow us?"_   
_"Who cares? Kill it! Kill it with FIRE!"_   
_\- Mew and Arceus, demanding answers as to why the primary purpose of this story has been violated._

_"Feed up my little sea-demon. Soon you'll be as big and strong as me, Hah!"_   
_\- Lord Wyman Manderly, to Manaphy._

_"Oh shi-"_   
_\- Last Words of Jon Snow, before being annihilated by the Other's new ally._

_'Demonic Laughter'_   
_\- Generic Other #1, possibly a general._

_"Fly you fools! Fly!"_   
_\- King-beyond-the-Wall Mance Ryder, to men of the Valley of the Thenn._

With the exception of the Dothraki Sea after Ho-oh's rampage, the Kingdom of the North was possibly the place that had the most activity taking place from separate magical beasts. No less than four creatures had found their way to the frozen shores of the kingdom and all of them would quickly make their presence known. Though granted, this would not always be the fault of that particular creature directly.

Such was the case for the Calamity of the Neck, when the unfortunate discovery of the creature Mudkip led to the beings Mew (originally from the Riverlands) and Arceus (apparently previously fighting demons on Leng) to burn down large swathes of the marsh in a paranoid attempt to kill it. Several Crannogmen houses were annihilated by the waves of fire: House Reed would have been among them if Meera and Jojen Reed hadn't left for Winterfell weeks prior. Perhaps even more worrying however was the destruction of Moat Cailin and the passageway from North to South. While this did effectively make the North impossible to invade by land, it also cut the Northmen in the Riverlands off from their homeland and split Robb Stark's area of control into two. Even worse (according to Mew and Arceus) was the fact that the Mudkip didn't die in the attack.

The two beings would be later spotted in the Vale, drinking off their woes at Spear Pillar 2.0.

The situation was far better in White Harbour. Lord Wyman Manderly (famously called 'the Jolly Merman') had taken the beast Manaphy into his household, assuming that the voiceless creature was some sort of sea demon. There may also have been some cynicism behind his motives as well, after a recorded incident when the beast sneezed and subsequently annihilated a large boulder. Perhaps the Lord of White Harbour wished to use its power to gain greater influence? As part of a dowry for the daughter heading south at this very moment? His true reasons are unknown and will likely remain so.

Beyond the Wall however, the effect of 'The Arrival' had been even more catastrophic than in the Neck. For while the bird Articuno had been content to ignore the humans (aside from a few unlucky poachers) and to instead just roost in a hollow in the Wall - the ice dragon Kyurem had not. And the dragon had not chosen a human to side with, or even a human aligned faction. No, the lord of ice had lent its power to the children of winter - the Others and their frozen armies. Not seen for millennia, the lords of winter had chosen this season - which promised to be horrendously long - to launch their attack on the human realms. With the Northmen armies in the south and other forces severely depleted, it seemed the perfect time. And those who lived beyond the Wall would suffer because of it.

The first casualties were men of the Night's Watch, the order founded to protect the Kingdoms of Men from those who lived in winter's embrace. In recent years this had translated into fighting off the Wildlings, with the Others fading into myth and legend. Following a large number of rumours reaching their headquarters (Castle Black), the Lord Commander Jeor Mormont had launched a great ranging beyond the Wall to discover the truth about the new 'King beyond the Wall'. They would not have the opportunity. All but 1 man (Edd Tollett, later known as 'the Lucky') of the 300 men in the ranging would die while camped at the ruined ringfort known as the Fist of Winter; impaled on the frozen blades of the Others, the rusted blades of their dead servants or the frozen fire of Kyurem. Among them were figures such as the aforementioned Lord Commander, Qhoren Halfhand, Jon Snow (bastard son of Eddard Stark) and Samwell Tarly. The Watch had been dealt a heavy blow, one that they might never recover from.

For the Free Folk (or the Wildlings as those south of the Wall had named them) this was both good and bad news. On the bright side their ancestral enemies were no longer in any fit state to prevent them from passing through the Wall and to - it was hoped - safety. But on the other hand, the Watch was not there to distract the Others from focusing on them. Nor where they there to stop the Others from following them. King Mance Ryder was well and truly aware of this and strongly advised against the plans of some of his men to hide in Hardhome, or the Valley of the Thenns. Because those ideas only led to death and worse.

Faced with no other options, the Free Folk rushed south - hoping against hope that a brighter future laid ahead of them...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Jon Snow is dead. No, he's not coming back.


	16. Judgement Day

**Judgement Day**  
**The Orgy of Corpses**

_"Order the advance!"  
\- Renly Baratheon, to Loras Tyrell_

_"Hold the line. I will provide air support."  
\- Stannis Baratheon, to Justin Massey_

_"NO! I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU *********! I BRING DEATH! I BRING DEATH FOR ALL!!!"  
\- Xerneas, before annihilating the core of both armies_

_"You killed my Father."_  
_"Many would say my actions were justified. Would you not?"_  
_"Why would I? You knew only a tiny bit about the war, not enough to justify killing them. My father had nothing to do with those Militants! You had no right! No right to do any of this!"_  
_"Perhaps. But even a King has to face justice Princess, or else the world will remain cruel."_  
_\- Shireen Baratheon and Xerneas, during the latter's quest for vengeance_

_"Long Live the Queen! Long live the Queen!"  
\- Ser Richard Horpe, upon the return of Shireen Baratheon_

_"The Fuck happened here?"_  
_"Xerneas"_  
_"Xerneas? I expect this sort of stuff from his brother or Kyogre, or Mewtwo, or..."_  
_\- Arceus and Zapdos, during the latter's return to Leng_

To this day, historians are still debating on the strategies of both Stannis Baratheon and his brother Renly. For men as revered by their followers as they had proven to be, they showed an amazing lack of ability when it came to conducting warfare - even compared to the Lannister strategy of angering every over faction.

Stannis Baratheon had won an excellent victory over the Iron Fleet during Balon Greyjoy's rebellion, only to be ignored by his brother when it came to handing out rewards. Perhaps this, combined with his marriage to Selyse Florent (who has been recorded as exceptionally unattractive) and his passing over for Lordship of Storm's End was the reason for why at the start of the war - he did absolutely nothing. As the other players on the board made their moves, he stayed on Dragonstone and plotted. Was this out of a belief that he stood no chance? Fear of dying? Genuine lack of interest?

Regardless of his reasons, it would take his arrival of Zekrom to finally energise Stannis into action. This author has already covered his capture of Storm's End and so will not repeat it, but by doing so the 'rightful king' had planted himself into an awkward position. On one hand he now controlled the traditional centre of Stormlands power and could claim a victory without a single man lost. However, in doing so he had ensured that his brother would have to personally deal with him before his troops had been blooded and reduced in number. This point in particular leads into the issues with Renly Baratheon's strategy.

Unlike his brother, King Renly had been quick to declare himself as the 'true' King of Westeros. He had also been quick to form an alliance, marrying himself to Margaery Tyrell to bring the power of the Reach on side. The fact that some could argue that the Tyrells were more powerful than the king in this alliance was dismissed by Renly (though long term rumours suggest that this view may have been influenced by his love affair with Queen Margaery's brother Loras). However his actions following this seemed eerily reminiscent of his older brother, waiting around even even after Shaymin had allied himself to his cause. The most he had done was to send Lord Randyll Tarly into the Westerlands for 'some small raids', which the Lord of Horn Hill had taken for 'Capture any towns and castles you come across'. The town of Cornfield, seat of House Swyft had fallen to his forces and both Crakehall and Silverhill faced sieges.

It would take Stannis's letter demanding Renly's submission for the King in Highgarden to finally make his move. Against the advice of his advisers, Renly led almost the entirely of his calvary to Storm's End when in reality a few thousand (plus Shaymin) could have likely kept Stannis and Zekrom imprisoned in the castle - allowing the King to proceed to King's Landing before any other force (the Starks for reference, were marching down the Kingsroad as this was occurring). Not only did ensure that Renly needed to win quickly or else face starvation, but it ensured that other areas in his already vast demand were low of defenders when other attacks came. In the Shield Islands this wasn't an issue as Missingno would kill anything that stepped foot in its domain, Reacher or otherwise. In the city of Oldtown when Kyogre came calling however...

That would not be a problem for King Renly Baratheon however, not when a far greater threat was rapidly approaching his location. Angered by poachers and Faith Militants alike (not to mention the terrible forest fire started in the Kingswood), the great stag Xerneas was chasing both groups alike towards Storm's End and away from the forests; killing any who dallied or fell behind the main pack. Or those who were foolish enough to challenge the divine beast. But considering the speed at which the pursuit was happening, no word had reached Stannis or Renly of the danger approaching their camps. The Kings had already formed up their armies, a truce the previous day having gone terribly to say the least. Both armies were livid with each other: Stannis's men because of the other army's perceived treachery, Renly's because of a failed assassination of their king by some form of dark magic (the shadow figure as it was nicknamed was blasted apart by a territorial Shaymin).

The battle (that would later be titled variously the Orgy of Corpses, the Battle of the Stag and the Dragon or the Battle of Storm's End) began with a cavalry charge by Renly's Reachmen led by Ser Loras Tyrell against the assembled piles of Stannis's Stormlanders. It was a massacre for the Reachmen, with many knights dying to smash a path through Stannis's infantry. But they succeeded in creating a breach through weight of numbers and then forced it open ride as massive numbers of cavalry tore the army in half. Stormlander archers sent wave after wave of arrows into the horse riders, but faced with overwhelming numbers they soon began to run out of arrows. Justin Massey and Richard Horpe were cut off from each other as their army slowly began to collapse around them...

Until lightning struck in the centre of the Reachmen cavalry. Stannis Baratheon riding Zekrom the dragon flew high above the battle, sending waves of lightning and thunder down at his opponents from far out of their reach. The attacks caused a brief chaos in the centre of the Reach army when Loras Tyrell was struck by one bolt, flinging the unfortunate knight from his saddle with much of his body scorched by the intense heat. He would later die from his injuries, with his body only being identified by his blackened armour. This is recorded as sending King Renly into a rage (further fuelling the rumours about the two men), from which he ordered Shaymin to "Kill my bastard of a brother!" and led a cavalry charge himself. The two beasts were evenly matched in actual combat - perhaps with Zekrom having a slight advantage - as they weaved through the skies sending attacks at each other and at the Forces clashing below.

And then Xerneas finally arrived. By now the usually peaceful and gentle stag had been driven into an uproarious fury by the the events of the past weeks and the fires even now swirling in the southern Crownlands. And to see a bloody and furious battle at the end of it was utterly too much for the creature. With a roar of fury, the stag summoned a massive green ball of energy and flung it indiscriminately at the battlefield. The resulting explosion flattened the forefront of both armies, burning thousands of men alive in an instant. King Renly Baratheon and most of his Rainbow Guard were among them on the ground for the Reachmen. King Stannis and Ser Justin Massey were among the casualties for their faction, the former being flung high off Zekrom to crash somewhere in Shipbreaker Bay. To date his body has not been found. Where once there had been living men and horses, now lay a patch of grass plastered only with the burnt corpses of the unfortunate.

The beasts Zekrom and Shaymin were also gravelly injured in the attack. The flower spirit crashlanded back in the Reachmen camp and was carried by Mira Forrester with speed to Bitterbridge. Zekrom managed to retain his position in the air however and engaged Xerneas in combat to avenge his fallen rider. Their resulting clash would cause chaos in the ranks of both armies. Much of the surviving Stormland army was able to retreat to Storm's End under the command of Richard Horpe who led a breakthrough of the stunned cavalry behind them. Renly's army suffered far more however, likely due to its massive size. Far too many 'brave' knights attempted to bring down the clashing beasts, only to blasted into smithereens themselves. In the end the result could only be called a rout, the majority fleeing all the way back to Highgarden in the hopes of never seeing a magical beast again. Their prayers would not be answered.

Meanwhile in Storm's End however, the situation had dissolved even further. Princess Shireen (technically Queen now that how father and uncle were dead) had vanished immediately after the battle. Rumours abounded that she had gone to avenge her father and the effective Regent Horpe quickly started to loose hope. Zekrom had fled north after the battle ended in a stalemate. Xerneas had fled south into the Rainwood, regretting his harsh actions.

But all was not lost. A cry came up from the lookouts announcing the return of the Demon Stag. But to the shock of all, riding it was Queen Shireen; come to lead her armies in the wars to come. The Baratheons were not finished yet.

 

**Omake: Stupidity at Spear Pillar**

**Narrator:** We rejoin our heroes Ash, Dawn and Brock at the summit of Mount Coronet - the Legendary Spear Pillar! Team Galactic has-

_'Mew appears and starts punching the narrator.'_

**Narrator:** -Ow! Stop that! Ow! Ow! Quit it!

\---- Begin! ----

 **Cynthia:** Stop this at once Team Galactic! Don't make me come over there!

 **Cyrus:** And what would that achieve? I have control of the Lords of Time and Space. You have a simple Garchomp. _'Smug Look'_

 **Cynthia:** That is where you are wrong Archie, my-

 **Cyrus:** That's Team Aqua. I am called Cyrus.

 **Cynthia:** Fine then, _Cyrus_. My Garchomp and I have been trained in the arts of Hoopa Fu. You stand no chance against either of us!

 **Cyrus:** We shall see-

 **Ash:** Wait!

_'Runs into the middle of the confrontation, conveniently in a position where he can be blown up by both sides.'_

**Ash:** Stop this, Pokemon aren't meant to fight!

_'Everyone stares at Ash in confusion, including Pikachu.'_

**Ash:**...not like this!

 **Unseen Voice (that sounds vaguely like Mewtwo):** NOT LIKE THIS!!!

 **Cyrus:**...for once, even I am lost for words.

 **Dawn:** Oh Ash, why do you have to be so stupid at times. _'Sighs'_ Why couldn't they have made me and Serena companions instead, this universe doesn't have enough Les Yay...

 **Cynthia:** Moving on, Cyrus! Prepare to meet your maker!

 **Disembodied Voice (that sounds vaguely like Arceus):** I'm busy, someone else can handle it. _'Muttering'_ Now who is this Arkham Knight anyway...

 **Cyrus:** Do not be silly, soon I shall be the one casting judge-

 **Giratina:** Am I interrupting anything?

 **Ash:** Ahhh! Poke-Satan! 'Is accidentally turned to stone'

 **Cyrus:**...oh this is going to suck.

 **Giratina:** _Yes it is._ But look on the bright side, now you can tell me how my Tuba practice is going!

_'Drags Cyrus off to Poke-Hell'_

**Dawn:** We should probably go after him.

 **Brock:**...Nah.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Stannis is dead.
> 
> Please send your angry letters and bombs to the following address: Iceridge Cave, Frostwing's Roost, Northos - NO2 1AI


	17. The Knight of Thundercats

**The Knight of Thundercats**   
**The War in the North II**

_"Thank you for saving me, Oh brave and most handsome Knight!"_   
_"No Problem, your Kittens were calling for mine and Thundercat's help!"_   
_\- Bella Rivers and Tommen Baratheon, after the latter had wiped out some bandits troubling the former._

_"Uh, Tommen..."_   
_"Yes Thunderkitty?"_   
_"Raikou...my name's Raikou - ahem, does that girl look familiar to you as well?"_   
_\- Raikou and Tommen Baratheon, about Bella Rivers._

_"What kind of person calls themself a Thundercat?"_   
_"Who cares, can we back to planning our attack already?"_   
_\- Greatjon Umber and Rickard Karstark, speaking at a war council of Robb Stark_

_"I should probably be more concerned about this."_  
"...THUNDERKITTY THUNDER THEM! THUNDER THEIR TEETH OUT!"  
"I hate everything..."  
\- Myrcella observing Tommen Baratheon and Raikou, during a raid on a bandit camp.

 _"_ **Choose! Choose the form of the destroyer**!"  
"Jirachi, either make your turn or SHUT UP ALREADY! Seriously, why did you two invite him? This happens every time we play Dungeons and Dragon Types!"  
"We didn't invite him, he invited himself!"  
"And you were both too lazy to tell him to leave?"  
"We did tell him to - wait, SHUT UP LLAMA DAD!!!"  
\- Jirachi, Mew, Palkia, Arceus and Dialga at Spear Pillar

Out of the all the areas that had experienced warfare in the War of Many Monarchs, the Riverlands was undoubtedly the place that had suffered the most. Most of the blame for this can be placed squarely at the feet of the late Tywin Lannister, but the forces of House Stark, House Tully and in many cases unaffiliated bandits were not innocent in this. The south of the region, as well as the area around the God's Eye lake and the ruins of what used to be Harrenhal were by far the worst effected of these, especially since the order of feudalism in the area had already been broken down by the Lannister invasion.

It is a sad truth that very little was being done to fix the situation in this area. The magical beasts who had brought doom to the Lannister cause had swiftly become absorbed in other pursuits; namely getting drunk on Spear Pillar 2.0, communing with the Wierwood trees and attempting to deal with the calamity in the neck for Mew, Uxie and Suicune respectively. The Stark cause was slowly dealing with the problems as their area of control expanded, but Robb Stark and his generals were more concerned with planning their imminent attack on King's Landing. So in the meantime, bandits and smallfolk fought each other in the ruins of castles and villages as the Great Lords focused on more important matters.

It was into this fray that Myrcella Baratheon, Tommen Baratheon and the beast Raikou wandered as they headed north from King's Landing. Naturally all three of them were fairly disturbed by the ruin that the Riverlands had become and resolved to make way to their next destination with speed. And perhaps they would have done, if they hadn't come across a group of bandits troubling some travellers slightly south of the town of Stony Sept. Uncaring of danger to himself, the not-quite-so-young Tommen mounted the lightning hound and led him into the fray; chanting his famous war cry: "Thundercat! Thundercat! Wooooo!"

Obviously the bandits were killed in seconds, lightning springing before the magical beast to annihilate them where they stood. This act not only earned them the gratitude of the travellers, but the armour and arms of the bandits for their own use. Neither of them could find perfectly fitting armour as all the bandits had been fully grown, but the added protection was considered very useful. Myrcella Baratheon would take a bow as her weapon of choice, while Tommen for whatever reason decided to claim a badly rusted longsword. Raikou quickly named it the Evergrande in jest, a name the young prince liked.

This did not automatically call the young prince to his duty of defending the smallfolk from the ravages of war. That realisation would come when another group of bandits attacked them the moment they had finished looting the last group. They were also dealt with immediately, but convinced Tommen that the situation was truly terrible and required him and 'Thundercat' to save those who could not defend themselves. A persistent rumour (denied by the later Baratheons) also states that the boy was driven into a livid state by the revelation that the bandits had been eating a cat!

Whatever the cause, Tommen, Raikou and his sister began a campaign against crime and terror in the southern Riverlands. Bandits would only have the warning of a horn (and Tommen's infamous battlecry) before the boy and beast charged into the camp while Myrcella laid down fire from a distance. As time went by, more and more criminals fell to their attacks and thereby led to their reputation soaring among the smallfolk who could hardly believe that someone was coming to their defence. The Beast Suicune came to visit her brother, along with Uxie. More people joined their group: Gendry of the Bullhammer, Bella the self-appointed healer, Arya Stark (a fact that confuses historians to this day) and Hot Pie the cook (who was appointed the position due to being the only passable cook in the entire band). Life was good, even if the fact that most of them had the same father (for Bella and Gendry were Robert Baratheon's natural children) caused the occasional moment of discomfort.

The bandits feared them. The smallfolk adored them. The Starks were too busy preparing to attack King's Landing to bother with them m. And the stories of horrors in the south, east, west and north were just stories.

For now...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a short one this time, sorry.


	18. Gale of Darkness

**Gale of Darkness**  
**A Thousand Problems II**

_"Have you ever heard the tragedy of King Euron the Foolish? It's not a story the Ironborn would tell you."  
\- Mew, in 345AC._

_"There is no possible way this can backfire!"  
\- King Euron the Foolish, before having the Dragon Horn blown._

_"Wait, what was that no---"  
\- Lugia turning into Shadow Lugia._

_"I felt a great disturbance in the physic realm. As if one of our number had suddenly vanished from the world..."  
\- Uxie, to the Green Men of the Isle of Faces._

_"I feel upstaged all of a sudden. WHO DARES OUTDO THE MIGHTY KYOGRE!"  
\- Kyogre, during the battle of Oldtown._

_'Unintelligible Angry Bleeping' (Rumoured Translation: "You dare bring Light to my Lair! You must Die!")  
\- Regigigas, before engaging Shadow Lugia in combat._

  
As the reader may have understood from the previous chapters, the average Ironborn was not thought highly of by any other faction in Westeros - or indeed the rest of the world. Not only were they hated for committing centuries of atrocities against the 'Greenlanders' in service to 'the Old Way', 'the Iron Price' and the foul demon known as the Drowned God; but they were also considered absolute idiots for the manner in which they carried out these assaults. Aside from a few notable exceptions, the Driftwood Kings had a ridiculous habit of raiding every faction at the same time; ensuring that every kingdom of Westeros absolutely despised the Ironborn and would gladly see them dead - even more so than their other rivals.

The War of Many Monarchs did nothing to change this belief. According to surviving records Balon Greyjoy was planning on rebelling again and beginning an invasion of the North, a plan which the majority of historians agree would have gone terribly as it would allow the more powerful factions to focus on each other before wiping out the Ironborn easily. However this invasion did not occur thanks to the arrival of Kyogre and the resulting conquering of the Islands themselves by the whale. Two groups would escape the rampage through separate circumstances, one of them under Asha Greyjoy fleeing to Seaguard during a period when Kyogre was napping (or alternately having a mental battle with the Drowned God as the legends go). In total approximately 200 Ironborn managed to escape through the violent storms with Balon's daughter, though apparently Lord Mallister was not particularly pleased to receive them.

The other group was a solo galleon commanded by Euron Greyjoy, exiled brother of Balon and a well known madman and monster even among his own people. They had escaped the cataclysm by being in an entirely different location, the pirate having traveled north to Lorath to conduct raids and also to apparently look for a 'Bitter' artefact in the far north. However, he was quite surprised when he arrived at the city due to the arrival of Lugia and the chaos the great Bird had brought. A previous chapter has gone over those cataclysmic events so I will not repeat them here, but surface to say Lorath was not in good condition when the pirate arrived.

Their situation would not get any better with the addition of his presence.

For Euron the Foolish had mistaken the Great Bird for a Valyrian Dragon of old (which to be fair was a understandable mistake) as he was not yet aware of the arrival of the beings across Planetos. And on a trip to Valyria, he had come across an artifact built to control those flying animals (whether or not the horn would actually have worked on dragons in unknown to this day). Euron had long dreamed of conquering Westeros and creating a new Ironborn empire and the horn signified the first true possibility of that - if he could find a living dragon (or failing that awaken an egg). So therefore cheering at his apparent luck, the exiled Greyjoy commanded for the horn to be blown.

At first it looked like the artifact worked. Lugia immediately paused in midair, ceasing any sounds or noises aside from the flapping of his massive wings. His eyes grew dark and the large storm generated by his presence (which Lugia had ironically been trying to undo prior to his corruption) immediately ceased. And when Euron commanded the 'dragon' to destroy Lorath as a test of its power, Lugia obeyed. Channeling both the power of the waves and power of the skies, the corrupted beast annihilated the city - houses, temples and the great maze the city was known for being flung aside in seconds by the power of a hurricane before being swallowed up by the rising ocean itself. Casualties are difficult to estimate due to conflicting sources, but they are estimated at around 250,000 to 300,000 including those who died in the following weeks due to later flooding or starvation.

Interestingly enough, Euron was not pleased with the bird's work. He had wished to loot the city for gold and magical artifacts, a proposition that was impossible with the entire area underwater. But this annoyance would prove to be the least of his problems for it was at the moment that Lugia broke free of his command. Only it seemed it wasn't Lugia in control of the Great Bird's might anymore. The entity known as Shadow Lugia had arrived and its fury would prove unimaginable. With feathers and scales flushed a sickly black and eyes glowing an intense red, the beast was a terrifying sight as it turned on the foolish Ironborn and his crew. And that was before it levitated the entire galleon out of the water and prepared to blast it apart with wind. According to the other beings this was a repeat occurrence with the bird, who had become corrupted once previously in a period known as the 'Orre Incident' (possibly related to Mewtwo and Azelf's vows of pacifism).

The crew was only (mostly) saved by the sudden arrival of another beast on the battlefield. Regigigas, Titan of the Earth and Master of the Regi Trio. It had been sleeping deep within the mazes of Lorath (it has been suggested that he was there prior to the Arrival, though there is no evidence) and had been awoken - and angered - by Shadow Lugia's incursion into its territory. Shouting strange unintelligible sounds to the heavens, it flung twin balls of green energy at the corrupted bird and blasted it out of the air. Naturally Shadow Lugia was enraged by this action and turned its full attention upon Regigigas, giving the Ironborn the chance to escape - though they were forced to dodge massive naves and fierce winds as the beasts clashed.

The battle annihilated anything that was left of Lorath and resulted in a massive storm system in the area that endured into the next century. Both of the beings were badly injured (though not mortally), though Regigigas would eventually emerge triumphant when Shadow Lugia fled to the southwest. The Titan would eventually follow, though first it would work on repairing some of the damage to the coastline though not to the sunken city itself. But while Regigigas would eventually meet up with the bird again, four other of the beings would meet him first...


	19. It hit itself in its confusion!

**It hit itself in its confusion!**   
**The Battle of King's Landing I**

_"Remember Suicune. For our plans to succeed the Stark boy must trust you completely..."  
\- Arceus, to Suicune via telepathy._

_"My father and siblings have revealed themselves to be fools. It is up to me to save the family name."  
\- Queen Dowager Cersei Lannister, on the eve of the Battle (rumours that Lancel Lannister ran screaming from the room are unconfirmed)._

_"Wait! You're a girl?"_  
"Yes..."  
"But I've been calling you a he for months!"  
\- Lord Robb Stark and Suicune, while debating strategy.

_"I immediately rescind my prior comments. This place smells even worse than Unova!"  
\- Suicune, during the Battle of King's Landing._

_"I understand your anger Rickard, but let's try not to take it out on people who hate the Lannisters as much as we do."  
\- Lady Maege Mormont, to Lord Rickard Karstark._

_"In summary: Run, you idiots!"  
\- Tyrion Lannister, to some Mentally-challenged Lannister Men._

To this day, historians are still debating on the effect 'The Arrival' had on the outcome of the War of Many Monarchs. Most of them agree that their presence greatly changed events however and only a few extreme Stark/Shireen/Myrcella supporters assert otherwise. The debate over how events would have occurred is the source of many a theory or novel, though only a few events are commonly accepted. The first of these obviously is the outcome of the Battle of Storm's End, where it is agreed that King Renly would have defeated his brother Stannis with ease. A second is the situation in the Iron Islands, where the common theory is that the Ironborn would have raided the Westerlands under Balon; rather than the campaign against the Reach they carried out under Kyogre.

The Battle of King's Landing (also known as the Battle of the Simpletons, the Lion's Folly and several other unflattering names) is one of the events that is not agreed on however. Many alternative scenarios have been suggested to give alternative outcomes to the battle, including several that involve factions not present in the area at the time - or even on the same continent in the case of Roslin Tanner's Dragonqueen Trilogy (to quote Mesprit: Le Sigh...). Some of these 'theories' even make sense. Far too many however ignore the complex political situation of the time and how none of the factions was truly secure in their power. House Baratheon of King's Landing were despised by most other factions and had taken diplomatic blows due to incest allegations and Lord Tywin Lannister's botched invasion of the Riverlands. House Baratheon of Dragonstone had little support and was adamantly disliked by many other houses. House Baratheon Storm's End had no legitimacy, relying on force to put forward King Renly's claim. And in the meantime, rumbles of Northern and Ironborn independence started to rise.

By the fourth month of 299AC this situation had radically changed. House Baratheon of Storm's End had fallen, King Renly's last supporters fleeing back to the Reach with the injured Shaymin. House Baratheon of Dragonstone had both waxed and waned in power; taking most of the Stormlands but at the cost of losing their King Stannis - only for him to be replaced by his daughter Shireen after her taming of the great stag Xerneas. And for King's Landing the situation was a complete disaster due to the complete annihilation of their armies in the field and the vanishing act performed by Myrcella and Tommen Baratheon - leaving King Joffrey Baratheon with no heir (though the end of Jirachi's campaign against him was met with rejoicing). Other places had also suffered the consequences of 'The Arrival'. House Arryn had been wiped out in the first day (along with their castle) and much of the Vale was now dominated by volcanoes. The Iron Islands had been taken over by the beast Kyogre, after said being had wiped out much of their forces and summoned an apocalyptic storm. And the North was now separated from the rest of Westeros (and coincidentally most of it's armies) due to the destruction wrought across the Neck by the beings Mew and Arceus.

Taken alone these actions could be seen as insignificant. But together they created the disturbing reality that the kingdoms forged together by Aegon were now being torn apart by the power of the beasts and the stubbornness of their lords. The obvious question therefore is to ask: Was this result planned? There is certainly evidence that some of the magical beasts were playing a long game, that these attacks were deliberately designed for some greater strategic purpose; though that purpose was for the time being unknown.

Man waged war with man; brother against brother, friend against friend, family against family. And at the centre of all this stood the Iron Throne, perhaps the end goal for every faction.

It is to King's Landing now that we turn our focus, to the great battle that involved more men and supplies than any other to date in this war (though not in the entire crisis as the destruction of Lorath and the Fall of Vaes Dothrak may have outnumbered even this). The attacking faction were the men of the North and the Riverlands (and some Vale Lords who had defected after the destruction of the Eyrie) under the command of Lord Robb Stark of Winterfell. They rode to war to avenge the murder of the Stark party in King's Landing and the sack of the southern Riverlands (though some wished for Lord Robb to take the Iron Throne for himself). The defending faction was House Baratheon of King's Landing and the few remnants of the armies of House Lannister - ironic, as many would consider them the true aggressors at the start of the war. Officially they were under the authority of King Joffrey Baratheon - unofficially they were commanded by a tense alliance between the Hand of the King Lord Tyrion Lannister and Queen Dowager Cersei Baratheon.

Out of the two forces the Starks definitely had the upper hand in terms of their ability to extend their power. As the men of the North swept towards King's Landing, all the castles and towns in the northern Crownlands but Duskendale yielded without a fight, for they held no love for the House of Lannister after their actions in Robert's Rebellion. Duskendale itself fell after two days of siege when the smallfolk within rose up against their overlords in the hope of preventing a sack. With their success it is likely they did so, for even the Northmen's 'righteous' cause they were not averse to a massacre when it was deemed necessary. Especially when the watching eyes of Suicune (who had travelled with the main army) were not present. Regardless, with the threat of enemies in his back now gone; Robb Stark was able to form up almost his entire army (minus those who were garrisoning captured castles) and begin to lay siege to the city. His forces outnumbered the defenders by slightly over two to one.

This did not automatically mean he had the advantage. While the common folk of the city hated their current rulers, they were still not foolhardy enough to try and work against them as the people of Duskendale had. This reason, along with the period of time Robb Stark allowed for his army to be gathered and for his council to decide on their battle plan ensured that the city's defenders were well entrenched on the walls when at last the Direwolf bestirred itself. It also allowed for events in the Royal Council to come to a head as well. Queen Dowager Cersei publicly seized full control of the city from her brother, using the lack of respect and disgust much of the population bore dwarfs against him.

While the benefits of a single, strong leader cannot be denied - Cersei was not a strong leader or indeed capable of controlling her own lunacy or her son's. And this fact would prove disastrous for their faction and city. Despite warnings from their advisers, the two of them conducted a plan to launch wildfire (an outlawed substance which resembled highly reactive gunpowder) at the attackers from the catapults and trebuchets on King's Landing's walls. This plan was put ahead despite the fact that wildfire by its very nature was more likely to explode on the way to the walls than in the enemy army and the practical begging of Tyrion Lannister.

And so naturally when the siege engines of the northern force charged towards the gates, their occupants were surprised to witness vast sections of King's Landing suddenly burst into flame.

This cannot end well...

 

**Omake: The Strongest Pokemon of All**

**Arceus:** Sooooo...you claim to be the strongest Pokemon of all, is that right?

 **Mewtwo:** Correct, Llama god. I am Mewtwo and have come to claim my rightful position in the Pokegod Pantheon.

 **Arceus:**...sure, knock yourself out. What class are you on World of Warcraft then?

 **Mewtwo:** World of Warcraft? I think you do not understand, I am the strongest Pokemon and have come for my rightful position as KING OF THE GODS!

 **Arceus:** I think that's a Dome Fossil actually.

 **Mewtwo:** A what?

 **Arceus:** Never mind. So...most powerful Pokemon? _'Shrugs'_ Okay, what are your special powers? Summoning hurricanes, flooding the world, fucking around with time - that sort of thing.

 **Mewtwo:** Uh...I have impressive...physic skills?

_'Arceus used raise eyebrow! It's super effective!'_

**Mewtwo:** It's more impressive than it sounds!

 **Arceus:** Really? _'Sighs'_ Fine, I will acknowledge you as my superior if you can manage one thing.

 **Mewtwo:** What is it? I shall complete it with ease, I am sure.

 **Arceus:** Good. Kill that Mudkip.

_'Points at the Water type that has stood unnoticed in the corner of the room'_

**Mewtwo:** Wat.

 **Arceus:** Kill it if you wish for divine submission.

 **Mewtwo:** But its a Mudkip! A Level Five Pokemon at that! Is...is this a joke!

 **Arceus:** No. That 'Mudkip' has been hanging around Spear Pillar for years and no one has been able to kill it. NO ONE. It just sits there and goes "Mud-kip" over and over and over and OVER AGAIN. You have no idea what I would do to be rid of it. We even tried banishing it to the Distortion World but it wouldn't go through the portal!

 **Mewtwo:**...Well okay then. This should be easy.

_'Mewtwo used Phystrike!'_

**Mudkip:** Mud-kip.

_'But it had no effect!'_

**Arceus:** See what I mean!

 

**Omake: Meanwhile in the Distortion World**

**Giratina:** Okay, what's on TV tonight?

_'Somehow turns on the Flatscreen of Doom despite having no hands'_

**Cyrus:** Your signal is terrible.

 **Giratina:** My signal is fine!

_'The TV shows Kyogre reclining on a beach'_

**TV Kyogre:** Are you tired of constantly feeling an itch in those places you can't scratch? Well then try Tapufen tod-

 **Giratina:** Seen it.

 **Cyrus:** Why is the God of the Sea doing commercials?

 **Giratina:** 'Quaza forced him to do some as his punishment for nearly destroying the world. Apparently he was actually quite good at it. Anyway-

_'Giratina changes the channel. It now shows a place looking oddly like Spear Pillar, where Dialga and Palkia are wrestling as Jirachi cheers them on'_

**TV Dialga:** Pepsi!

 **TV Palkia:** Coke!

 **TV Dialga:** PEPSI!

 **TV Palkia:** COKE!

_'Giratina and Cyrus facepalm'_

**Cyrus:** Change the channel, please...

 **Giratina:** Way ahead of you.

_'Channel changes again, now showing...'_

**TV Latias:** Life as a immortal being can get tiring quickly, so I use Viagra Daily-

_'Cyrus grabs the remote and changes the channel again'_

**Giratina:** As if things couldn't get anymore awkward.

 **Cyrus:** I know, rig-wait, can you hear shouting?

 **Offscreen Braavosi:** Fuck that bitch and her brother!

 **Giratina:** Calling her that will only make him angrier.

 **Offscreen Braavosi:** I don't care! How was I meant to know she was a dragon - I want to go home!

 **Cyrus:** Just be grateful it wasn't a Zoroak you slept with! They can get vicious!

 **Giratina:**...and how would you know that?

 **Cyrus:** There's a lot you don't know about me, my friend.

_'Neither of them notice that the TV is now advertising the 'Ditto's Republic of Orre'_


	20. Gates to Insanity

**Gates to Insanity**   
**The Battle of King's Landing II**

_"Well that was anticlimactic."_   
_"Would you rather have it consume the city?"_   
_"Hmm...fair point."_   
_\- Lord Robb Stark and Grey Wind, witnessing Suicune dealing with the wildfire._

_"And this is why we have an escape plan!"  
\- Lord Tyrion Lannister, to his friend and bodyguard Bronn._

_"YOU. YOU WILL SERVE AS A FINE SACRIFICE TO LORD GIGYAS."  
\- Zapdos, before reducing Petyr Baelish to ash._

_"I am the King!"_  
"You are not my king. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever."  
\- Joffrey 'Baratheon' to Lord Robb Stark.

 _"I NEED BEER! I NEED BEER! BEERBEERBEERBEER-SUICUNE! HOWAREYOU? DOYOUHAVEBEER! WHOARETHESEGUYS? BEERBEERBEER!"_  
"Oh Arceus, kill me now..."  
\- The introduction of Victini, Lord of Victory, Hyperactivity and Nuclear Power.

 _"Send a message to Storm's End. Find Tommen and Myrcella Baratheon wherever they're hiding. It's time for a Great Council; now before winter strikes."_  
"King in the North?"  
"...not yet."  
\- Robb Stark and Greatjon Umber, discussing succession rules.

To say that the man responsible for the protection of King's Landing received the news that said city was now on fire with good humour, would be quite an inaccurate statement. Indeed, this situation was going almost as well as the time when Mew and Arceus managed to upset the Goddesses of Hyrule. Or that time when Kirby invaded Kalos. Or Entei's accidental bungee jumping attempt.

But I disgress.

The bright side of the northern walls of King's Landing now resembling a funeral pyre was that the northern forces could no longer enter the city from that direction. The downside was that no one could enter or leave from that direction at all and that the men present on the burning section of wall were doomed to be cooked alive. And the fire was spreading; both along the walls and into to the city itself. Hundreds of men, women and children were forced to flee lest they begin to bear a resemblance to bacon. A few brave Goldcloaks tried to douse the fire with water and dirt, but to no avail.

That is until the great beast Suicune, she of the rivers and the springs charged into the fray on the back of a gigantic wave - drowning the wildfire in surprisingly clean water considering the state of the Blackwater at this time. While this did automatically have the advantage of preventing any more of the wall from burning down, it also allowed the northmen force through to assault the remaining Baratheon positions. And the defending positions weren't helped by the fact that one of their leaders - a Lord Tyrion Lannister - had deserted after his own sister had tried to have him killed. With him went a large portion of the Lannister forces; including such figures as Lancel Lannister, Tyrion's favoured sellsword Bronn (the future founder of House Thiefton) and Sansa Stark (who was swiftly released to rejoin her brother). Lord Varys, the Master of Whispers did the same and scampered off to parts unknown; as did the Master of Coin Petyr Baelish though he would eventually have the misfortune of running into a angry Zapdos.

King Joffrey Baratheon, his mother Cersei and the remaining remnants of the small council - namely Grand Maester Pycelle and no one else - remained locked in the Red Keep as the army of Robb Stark forced its way through the city. They met with little resistance. Most Goldcloaks threw down their arms when faced with a violent cavalry charge. The Great Sept of Baelor yielded to the Stark boy personally when he swore that no damage would come to it or the smallfolk gathered inside. The Dragonpit also quickly fell, as did most of the other gatehouses - the complete operation taking about two hours.

The Red Keep still held out however and would do so for two more days despite a siege, until a group of Lannister soldiers and several smallfolk servants opened the doors during the middle of the night and allowed the Northmen/Rivermen army entrance. The King and his mother were caught in their beds with minimal difficulty and quickly dragged before the Iron Throne for Lord Robb to dispense judgement. Suicune pushed for the boy king to be sent to the Wall due to his age, Grey Wind and Sansa demanded death. No one bothered to defend his mother. In the end Robb Stark held off on the former's punishment, instead sending him to the Black Cells while he waited for those he had sent ravens for to reply. It was the Stark's aim to hold a Great Council, to bring a peaceful end to the war now that the Lannisters were defeated.

In all fairness, it was a honourable goal and he didn't know of the events happening at Storm's End, Bitterbridge and Oldtown this very minute.

Still, for now at least the Northmen had won. One of them sat upon the Iron Throne and the small issues such as the few surviving Lannisters were easily dismissed. The only true issue was the arrival of the beast Victini who declared himself the spirit of victory and proceeded to steal half the alcohol from King's Landing. Everyone was annoyed at his presence, constant shouting and eternal hyperactivity but could do nothing to stop it - as the beast seemed to have no comprehension of any voice other than his own and occasionally Suicune's. And the other beast had quickly fled into the west to escape the excitable fire-spirit.

This cannot end well...

 

**Omake: Entei and the Accidental-Bungee Jumping Incident**

'Open on the three Legendary Beasts standing upon the edge of a gorge'

Raikou: I'm telling you, this is the place!

Suicune: It doesn't look like much.

Entei: That might be because we're outside of it sister. Don't worry yourself, I'm sure it will be more impressive once we're closer; Ho-oh would not have sent us here if this wasn't important.

Suicune: I don't know, he's been a bit distracted recently after that business in Orre.

Raikou: 'Flinches' DO NOT MENTION THAT!

Suicune: It was bad for all of us, you cunt!

Raikou: YES, WHICH IS WHY WE SHOULDN'T MENTION IT!

Suicune: STOP SHOUTING YOU JACKASS!

Raikou: STOP CALLING ME A JACKASS, YOU BITCH!

Entei: 'Calmly' Guys, guys. Can't we all just get along? Orre is a touchy subject for everyone, maybe we should talk about something else. Maybe the golf?

'Raikou and Suicune groan'

Entei: Yes, that's a much happier topic. Raikou what do you think- 'Is kicked off a cliff by said beast.' -ahhhhhhhh...

Suicune: Do a flip!

Raikou: Do a somersault!

'They laugh'

Raikou: Will he ever stop falling for-

'Entei suddenly springs back onto the cliff, having used a fire whip to reverse his fall. With him come a large number of rocks which bury the other two beasts alive.'

Entei: Yes. Yes he will. _Bitches_.

 

**Omake: How did this happen?**

'Curtain rises to show two creatures chained up in a pit. One is a small pink cat fetus, the other a white horse impaled on a ship's wheel.'

Unknown voice: So...how this did happen?

'The cat looks up, revealing a black eye.'

Mew: Hoopa? Hoopa is that you?

'A small genie emerges from the shadows. It is Hoopa, the jackass pokemon.'

Hoopa: How do you feel being the one tied up for once?

Arceus: 'Sighs' You're still a jackass...

'The genie pouts.'

Hoopa: And there I was thinking of releasing you. I suppose-

'Mew and Arceus laugh, though it rapidly turns into a coughing fit in both cases.'

Mew: Please - without the bottle you don't have enough power to -

Arceus: 'Interrupting' And before you ask we aren't giving you the bottle back.

Mew: - Agreed, so you might as well bugger off.

Hoopa:...FINE! But I'm telling everyone you got trapped in a nudist camp again!

Arceus: Go ahead. Once we're out of this pit, I can throw you into the Distortion World again. Giratina is getting a bit lonely after all.

'Hoopa storms off.'

Mew: Amateur!

'They both laugh, only to stop when footsteps and the faint smell of smoke begin approaching them. It is a red haired woman in a scarlet dress.'

Din, Creator Goddess of Hyrule: I've got a visitor for you asstwats.

'She steps aside to reveal a white and gold fairy, which strangely has an eye in its chest.'

Jirachi: What's up noobs!

Arceus: Oh no.

Mew: Fuck!

Jirachi: I've been sent by Dialga to keep you company! And I've brought all four Twilight Movies with me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, I kind of forgot about this place...and so forgot to update on time...have two chapters for the price of one!


	21. At World's End

**Meanwhile in the Far East I**   
**At World's End**

_"Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirate's life for me...'sigh', I'm so lonely."_   
_\- Solgaleo, wondering where everyone else has vanished to._

_"I don't know captain. None of them will wake up, they're like corpses!"  
\- A Sailor of the Thousand Islands, when exploring Cresselia's Domain._

_"Hail the Metal Child! Hail the machine!"  
\- A Cry of Worship in Asshai-by-the-Shadow._

_"I, Thunderus being a wrathful GOD and far superior to that fool Tornadus shall purge this pitiful village of life!"  
\- Thunderus in Yi-Ti._

_"I, Tornadus being a wrathful GOD and far superior to that fool Thunderus shall purge this pitiful village of life!"  
\- Tornadus in Yi-Ti._

_"That's the spot, yessssss. Lower. Lower. Low-er..."  
\- Landorus, enjoying the Summer Islands and ignoring a problem he should probably deal with._

Many people are fond of the claim that Westeros was the region that suffered the most following 'The Arrival'. It certainly had the most legendary beasts and some of the most significant: Mew, the Weather Trio, the Creation Trio and the Tao Trio all took up residence in the Seven Kingdoms. Perhaps that is the reason the claim exists, after all more means worse, does it not (excluding that time Hoopa, Azelf and Jirachi had a thieving contest)?

It is arguable however, that Essos had an even worse situation to deal with. Not the western parts of the continent (excluding the Dothraki plains of course), but the far eastern nations - Asshai, Leng, Yi-Ti, the Thousand Islands and Ulthos. Here the total amount of beings was far less, numbering 6 in total over the entirety of the regions - Solgaleo, Thunderus, Tornadus, Cresselia, Magearna and Arceus (though the latter left fairly quickly for Westeros). All this meant was that there was nothing to distract the divine creatures from running rampant, uncaring of the lives ruined by their actions.

Ironically the plains of the Jogos Nhai were the least damaged despite their fearsome reputation, due to the sun-lion's lack of interest in human affairs. That did not stop him from annihilating the warbands that came too close and then destroying the bigger warbands sent to get revenge. The riders learnt fairly quickly all things considered, but were still left with a large section of their own lands they could not enter - a problem that only increased when Solgaleo began the construction of a 'tropical' forest in the area, with the explanation that it reminded him of home (another part of that mysterious plane of existence the beasts originated from called Aloha). While the trees and shrubs certainly looked nice (and tasted nice, I remember this occasion at Spear Pillar 3.0...wait, ignore that), they were also far superior to the trees and plants of Essos in every way.

They literally began strangling the native ecosystem to death.

To the north, the situation in the Thousand Islands was also racing towards an awkward state of affairs. The dream master Cresselia - as opposed to her counterpart Darkrai - had panicked upon her arrival in the islands and so cast a spell over many of the islands close to her, putting them into a deep sleep. This was not automatically a bad thing, the dream spell was powerful enough to ensure that any predators on the islands had fallen asleep as well. Any affected would also not age or starve while under the spell, though their bodies would grow gradually weaker over time. They were however defenceless to outside enemies, such as invaders from the mainland or other inhabitants of the Thousand Islands who had not been put to sleep.

Leng and Asshai also suffered quite nasty occurrences, both dealing with vicious cults surrounding 'gods'. The first of these was the worship of several eldritch horrors - gigantic tentacles feature often in the accounts of witnesses - deep below the island kingdom, who demanded blood sacrifice daily. It did not matter what the sacrifice was, regardless of origin the beasts simply demanded that blood was spilt. This had been going on for centuries prior to Aegon's Conquest and continued to the present day...until Arceus decided that these practices were a little too gross and began to purge the demons from the underground tunnels of Leng. Their battle was very fierce - at least half of the southern side of Leng is still uninhabitable to this day - but the outcome was never in doubt. Arceus was after all the most powerful of the beings who had arrived during 'the Arrival' (well usually) and not afraid to use this power. The horrors were driven from existence, curing Leng of a thousand years of horror.

Strangely, the Lengii people were actually quite upset about this reality and attempted to kill Arceus. The horse/ship wheel/god blasted them into oblivion and flew off to find where everyone else had gone.

In a contrast, the situation in Asshai was far less violent though perhaps even more worrying. The mechanical marvel Magearna had arrived in one of the city's biggest temples in a flash of light before many of the most powerful mages of the city. She had therefore been immediately pounced upon the mages, who saw her as a gift from the heavens to their crafts - despite Magearna's own comments to the contrary. Henceforth they set to replicating her and creating more of her kind as servants - and perhaps later on as warriors.

None of these were equivalent to the damage done in Yi-Ti however, where the storm spirits Tornadus and Thunderus had began a game of one upping each other in how much destruction they could cause. Naturally this led to a lot of death and ruined cities, including the cities of Jinqi and Tiqui - the current capital of Yon being spared for the time being. In most cases this 'game' would have been stopped by Landorus (the master of the trio) or another beast; but unfortunately they were all busy elsewhere. And so the death toll climbed past ten thousand and the devestation continued.

On the bright side it wasn't as bad as the Basilisk Isles where the being Zygarde was fighting off the entire corsair civilisation on his own. Or Sothoryos where the beast Necozma had somehow gained control of an angry lizardman empire. Or Ulthos where the Ultra-Beasts had arrived. Or-

To put it bluntly, the world was fucked.


	22. The Prideful Ones

**The Prideful Ones  
The War in the South III**

  
_"In hindsight, I may have overreacted."  
"You think?! Yeah, why not - I'm feeling annoyed, why don't we just destroy Bitterbridge instead?"  
"It was an accident-"  
"You turned my father into paste!"  
\- Xerneas and Queen Shireeen Baratheon, discussing strategy._  
  
_"Well what did you expect me to do? I was busy being blasted point-blank by Xerneas' temper tantru?!...seriously, it really did hurt!"  
\- Shaymin to Mira Forrester._  
  
_"Do I look like a Kraken, you Horsea-Jizz?!"  
"...well from the back end..."  
"...I generally have no idea what to say. Your stupidity has robbed me of my higher brain functions. NOBODY ROBS THE MIGHTY KYOGRE!!!"  
\- Kyogre and Harras Harlaw, prior to the Battle of Oldtown. The latter did not survive._  
  
_"I am Vengance! I am the Night! I am Judgement!"  
\- Lunala, before engaging Kyogre in battle._  
  
_"Would you three SHUT UP! I'm trying to sleep over here!"  
\- Rayquaza, being a lazy git **as always.**_  
  
_"Wait...I know that shadow."  
"...fuck."  
"...It can't be?"  
"FUCK!"  
"HOW CAN THAT BE THERE!"_  
" **FUCK!!!** "  
_"Uh, what are you two spazzing out over?"  
\- Zapdos, Kyogre and Lunala; the former two experiencing RIH (Rattata in Headlights) Syndrome._  
  
  
In a strange turn of events, much of southern Westeros had been spared from much of the cataclysmic events taking place elsewhere in the world. The North, the Vale, the Riverlands and the Crownlands had all known the power of the magical beasts in awesome and terrifying occurrences; the creation of Spear Pillar, the Destruction of the Neck, the Fall of Harrenhal, the Awakening of Groudon. The rest of Westeros had known little of this calamity up to this point, however that would soon change.  
  
Leaving aside Dorne which we will get to in a future chapter (maybe), I will begin by continuing the tale of House Baratheon and the young princess who was now a queen. Queen Shireen I had inherited a divided realm from her father, with only a few castles of the Narrow Sea - and Storm's End where she was currently based - supporting her rather than an enemy or Robb Stark whose loyalties were currently unknown. This would have been a difficult situation for any monarch to manage, let alone a young unflowered girl. But Shireen did have three advantages on her side. The first was that her current supporters were unlikely to desert her, due to the only other possibilities (her uncle Renly and the Lannisters) being dead or under siege in King's Landing. The second was that the Tyrell army formerly declared for Renly was in disarray after loosing too many of its leaders to the wrath of Xerneas - whose repentance and support was the third factor in the young Queen's favour.  
  
Shireen's forces were small but well motivated and with Xerneas backing them up (along with the Queen's orders to not punish the innocent or those who yielded to her rule) they were able to quickly make a number of gains in the Stormlands. Bronzegate, Felwood and Griffin's Roost fell without a fight, while Haystack Hall surrendered when their front gate was obliterated by 'the Demon Stag'. The young Queen also sent one of her advisers, Ser Richard Horpe to Bitterbridge in the hope of recruiting part of Renly's army for when marching north would become necessary.  
  
When Horpe arrived at Bitterbridge he was surprised to see that many of the Tyrell forces had already left, though certain Reach and Stormland Houses remained to debate over which claimant they should now support. Only one (Lord Dondarrion) was supporting the possibility of Shireen, while the rest were split behind assisting the Lannisters or Robb Stark - or even staying neutral with the hope that the other factions would be too battered to try punishing them. Horpe's arrival changed that and led to many of the Lords declaring en masse for the Stag Queen who had _clearly_ been blessed by the Seven (the fact that she had promised to ignore prior actions in the war was irrelevant, of course).  
  
Usually House Tyrell would have been among the first to declare for Shireen under these circumstances. They would not however in this conflict, due to the loss of both Mace Tyrell's third son Loras and the beast Shaymin who had vanished along with Mira Forrester (several historians state that this was actually intentional and that Mace planned to marry Margaery Tyrell to Robb Stark. **Those people are idiots** ). When these tragedies were combined with the unknown factors of whoever commanded the Westerlands and had killed Randyll Tarly, the question of Robb Stark's intentions and the entity Missingno; it was bad enough for the family to set aside their ambitions and focus on defending their own territory _for once_.  
  
This would prove sensible when Missingno left the lifeless Shield Islands and headed southwards, annihilating Brightwater Keep (home of House Florent) on the way.  
  
This would prove _required_ when the beast Kyogre and the Iron Fleet attacked the city of Oldtown, one of the largest settlements on the continent and the seat of House Hightower. We know now that the 'Sea God' was looking for a blue orb hidden inside the Citadel of the Maesters (as did those Ironborn she had tasked to bring it her), but the citizens of Oldtown had no idea that an attack was even planned and were thereby terrified when a massive wave crushed their harbour walls so the massive fleet outside could enter. This terror would increase when the Ironscu- _sorry, my temper got the better of me._  
  
This terror would increase when the Ironborn processed to sack the city; cutting down men, raping the women, butchering the children and burning all that was left. The city once said to be the most beautiful in all of Westeros, Now turned into a funeral pyre for its dying citizens. The hightower itself was not spared from this, Kyogre himself razing it to the foundations and beyond as punishment for the crime of 'stealing' his property. The death toll was massive, numbering at least 300,000 - more than half of the city's population. Among that number is the entire City Watch, House Hightower and most Maesters present at the Citadel for they were in turn not spared Kyogre's wrath.  
  
Strangely enough however, those who escaped the city - or were already outside its walls - were spared the beast's wrath, further evidence for the strange duality of Kyogre's nature as an incarnation of the sea. Many in the city were also spared when other beasts came to the rescue - the lightning bird Zapdos and the moon/bat/thing Lunala. The two of them swooped into battle immediately, Lunala summoning a barrier to keep the Ironborn from causing further damage (coincidentally saving the Starry Sept from being attacked) while Zapdos retrieved the orb himself and flew away with it, taunting Kyogre to follow. The 'Sea God' instantly took the bait, levitating himself mid-battle with Lunala to chase after Zapdos. Their battle took them northwards, attacks from all sides levelling the farmland and roads below them - but not people for the thunderbird was quick to avoid them.  
  
Zapdos' original plan had been to lure Kyogre far inland and then beat sense into him. He hadn't counted upon spotting a very familiar entity moving below them however and in fright at spotting it, _dropping the Blue Orb._ Kyogre dived to retrieve it, grabbing it in his mouth and barely dodging as he too recognised the 'thing' below him. Lunala just stared, as he had never had chance to meet Missingno before it's presumed destruction via volcano. One quick conversation later where the other two brought him up to speed and Lunala was quick to join them in panicking.  
  
That was until they then realised that Missingno couldn't fly, laughed and proceeded to unleash hell upon the area. In all fairness, despite this turn of events being utterly anticlimactic _we should all probably be grateful considering the possibility of the glitch devouring a legendary Pokemon. I mean, even if it devoured **Hoopa** that would have made it nigh on **unkillable**! Imagine if they hadn't managed to-_  
  
They didn't kill it, Mew.  
  
_Wait, what?_  
  
They didn't kill it. It escaped and turned up a few weeks later in Dorne.  
  
_But...but...you pick now to tell me of this!_  
  
You never asked!  
  
_Damn right, I never asked, I assumed it was dead!...it is dead now, right?_  
  
Maybe...  
  
... _fuck._  
  
Well in summary, Missingno ( _apparently!_ ) fled, Kyogre sensed Groudon and flew off to have their pissing contest, the Redwyne navy attacked the Ironborn from behind and I need to find a panic chamber to scream in. _See ya bitches later, Mew OUT._


	23. Can Yunkai into SPACE?!

**Can Yunkai into SPACE?!  
The Fall of Essos IV**

_"Time for a nap, I think. Barry can be in charge while I'm asleep"  
"Wait, what? Ho-oh? Ho-oh?...HO-OH!"  
\- Ho-oh and Barry the Musdale, government ministers of Treasure Town_  
  
_“I shall be more than a man…perhaps even more than a god.”  
\- Allion the Great, the Priest-Lord of Yunkai_  
  
_"I regret nothing."  
\- Cobalion, Lord of Stubborness._  
  
_"Oh."  
"Shit."  
"Ryloth?"  
\- Daenerys Targaryen, Jorah and Deoxys, catching sight of what used to be Astapor._  
  
_"Greetings, daughter of Rhaella. I am Mesprit, guardian of emotion. I bring tidings of the great destiny bestowed upon you by the gods..."  
"Which gods?"  
"...the true ones..."  
"Which are those?"  
"...the ones who...have foretold your destiny for gene-"  
"Do they have a name?"_  
**_"Ask me any more questions and I neuter you with a spork._** _Now then, as I was saying..."  
\- Mesprit and Daenerys, the former probably high._  
  
  
_Right then, is there anything else you've forgotten to tell me?!_  
  
No...  
  
_Uxie..._  
  
Uh...  
  
**_UXIE!_**  
  
Okay fine! Latias's child turned out to be the Dragonborn, the Ultra Beasts formed a union, a horde of Chandelures destroyed Mantarys and Giratina got married.  
  
_Oh, I remember that! Arceus and I attended that one together, Cyrus looked so adorable in that dress we stole for him._  
  
Who's dress was it?  
  
_Someone called Morathi..._  
  
Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand.  
  
Ever since 'the Arrival', the world had been in a state of utmost unrest. This was not only due to the massive damage inflicted by the magical beasts, but the loss of several ruling factions and the subsequent collapse of law and order in their territories. This aftereffect was arguably more dangerous in the long term than the initial devastation, for in the latter case much of the original population would have gone down with their homes and were therefore unable to take a further role in events. In cases like the former however - in the lands once belonging to the Lannisters, the Greyjoys and the Yi-Tiish - the inhabitants would be forced into an endless civil war, scrounging after the most basic of resources. Sometimes this collapse was an 'accidental' effect caused by the magical beasts. Other times however...  
  
Take the former Dothraki Plains for instance. There, the remaining horselords had collapsed into pitiful groups; frantically riding east or west to escape the rise of Ho-oh's Kingdom of Beasts. The 'Great Phoenix' had taken most of the area for its own territory, gifting it to his resurrection hordes to live in while he took on the part of a distant ruler. Predominantly he would roost on top of the remains of the Mother of Mountains (now a great lake) where a tower had been built on a artificial island, while occasionally taking flights over his kingdom to covert more of the wildlife into altered forms. The city of Vaes Dothrak in the mountain's shadow had been almost entirely destroyed, with a few scattered remnants forming the basis of a new hometown for the magical beasts - Treasure Town.  
  
Some southern areas of the Great Grass Sea had also fallen under Ho-oh’s guardianship. The people of Lhazar had been released from the constant raids of the Dothraki by Ho-oh’s destruction of that civilization and thereby had begun to worship ‘the Giant Flaming Chicken’ as an avatar of their god, the Great Shepherd. As the Lhazarians were a peaceful people, Ho-oh was willing to allow this, though he intervened even less than with the actual magical beasts ( _he was however hilariously annoyed by the nickname, you wouldn’t believe the temper tantrum that occurred on Spear Pillar 3!)._ Also Moltres appeared later on in Sarnor and inspired _yet another_ athletic tournament, Entei turned up to check on events (then left just as quickly) and Genesect somehow became a greenseer (and subsequently blew up someone called ‘The Three Eyes Raven’?).  
  
Take the scattered remnants of Slaver's Bay as another example. There the old order of various 'Masters' had been broken by the sword and hooves of the three musketeers - Cobalion, Virizion and Terrakion. The slavers had been neither shown or offered any mercy and were unable to resist, for what can men do against the power of Magic? Once their enemies had been fully exterminated, the trio would move on to cleanse another city - leaving behind chaos and bloodshed in their wake, as the newly freed slaves now had no comprehension of how to run a successful society. In the city of Meereen this had led to a bloody end for many slaves, as pit fighters and soldiers who had been spared death seized control of large chunks of the city and began to wage a brutal mob war against each other. All this meant that the remaining food stocks were destroyed or consumed even quicker and that trade ceased to arrive in the city entirely.  
  
It would be an exaggeration to say that the wise slaves fled to seek their fortune elsewhere, because very little wisdom was required to make that sensible decision. Most of them still died however.  
  
In the ruins formerly known as Astapor similar amounts of violence had occurred among the former slave class. The political situation was vastly different however, as rather than dissolve into infighting Astapor had fallen under the command of a man named Allion. Formerly a enslaved warrior in the many fighting pits of the city, Allion had been granted his freedom in recognition of his exceptional skills. Since that day, he had worked as a trainer for other pit fighters and as a taskmaster for slaves that the Maesters wished to 'learn a lesson'. He was notably brutal and sadistic towards those under his command, an understandable fact considering how he subscribed to the Faith of the Black Goat (he was Qohorish by birth).  
  
It was only the fact that he didn't technically own the slaves he 'trained' that saved him from the legendary swords' wrath. Allion, being a cunning man knew that this fact was no assurance of his future survival considering he was now trapped in a city filled with slaves that loathed him. However, where there is danger there is often always opportunity – and in this case the city was ripe for the taking, ready to be laid bare before any ambitious conquerer. Allion had the ‘loyalty’ of a particular group of slave soldiers, the Unsullied who had been trained – and tortured – since birth to have no ambitions of their own, only absolute loyalty to the Masters of the city. With the Masters gone, Allion was now the highest-ranking member in Astapor’s command structure and therefore the new master of the Unsullied army. No other force in the city could have stood up to the Unsullied before the arrival of the Legendary Swords; nowadays with the city in ruins, Allion was able to conquer it in a day.  
  
With the city now under martial law, Lord Allion (borrowing a title used in both Westeros and the destroyed Freehold of Valyria) needed a way to keep his power in the city secure; especially since his legion of unsullied was not particularly numerous and had taken many casualties seizing control of the city. To this end, he began preaching of a great hunt for the Legendary Swords, claiming that despite them being responsible for freeing the enslaved of Astapor (he failed to mention his own freedom) they had led the slaves down a dark path that could only be undone by the death of all three beasts. His claim was that this vision had been granted to him by the Black Goat who demanded the worship of Slaver’s Bay. Faced with the prospect of impalement of Unsullied spears, most of the slaves acquiesced to this demand and converted temples to the dark god – though later events would shape this version of the religion into something else entirely…  
  
In the meantime, the three beasts had set their efforts to destroying the last of the great slaver cities, Yunkai (except Volantis, but that had its own problems with Yvertal). This took them about two weeks, mostly because Cobalion managed to break his leg jumping off a waterfall and had to be taken to Celebi to have it fixed. When they **finally** arrived, they discovered that the Masters of Yunkai had heard the news of what happened in Astapor and Meereen and so slaughtered all their slaves in advance to prevent them being used against the current order. Undeterred – and a little freaked out by how far the maniacs were willing to go – the three Swords (and Celebi who had tagged along since Myr was boring and nothing ever happens the-  
  
_Celebi, get off – this is my laptop! My story **not yours! Fuck you!**_  
  
As I was saying, the three swords and _a green pellet who happens to be his own dad_ decided to send the entire city INTO SPACE. Why they didn’t just order the slavers to kill each other is beyond me, but who am I to argue with such reckless hate. I never liked any of them anyway.  
  
_Shut up Celebi, you’ll get over it._  
  
There may have been some other slaver cities, but no one cares about them SO…  
  
Meanwhile in Astapor, Allion’s order for a great hunt had sent a large number of slaves out of the city to track down the great beasts. The fact that none of the Unsullied had left on these missions had someone been ignored by the inhabitants of the city, though to be fair they were probably just happy to still be alive. This happiness vanished when Daenerys Targaryen turned up, accompanied by three Dragons and the alien Deoxys. According to the oft-criticized memoirs of Ser Jorah Mormont, his her original plan had been to recruit a legion of Unsullied to assist her in taking back Westeros; but with the city now in ruins and the slaves freed (technically), she needed a plan. Apparently, she briefly considered conquering Slaver’s Bay herself for some reason, only to be put off that plan also when Allion _helpfully_ informed her that the rest of the area was in even worse condition than Astapor.  
  
Faced with no other options, she hijacked every ship remaining in Astapor’s harbor and set sail for Westeros. On the way she was visited as if in a dream by a mystical being, who warned her off terrible events to come – of battles between Land and Sea, Earth and Storm-  
  
_Time and Space._


	24. The Genie and the Dragon

**The Genie and the Dragon  
Elsewhere in Westeros I**

  
_“Oh Gods no! Have mercy, please!”  
\- Any number of Westermen suffering from PTSD after spotting Suicune.  
  
“Where are all this fucking pigeons coming from?”  
\- Devan Lannister, while camped at Oxcross.  
  
"...Why is there a giant portal in the ceiling?"  
"And I was having such a nice vacation..."  
\- Lady Genna Lannister and Rayquaza, discovering some rather strange occurrences at Casterly Rock.  
  
“THIS IS THE SEVEN. HAND OVER YOUR GODDAMN LOOT OR FACE MY...I mean, OUR WRATH!”  
\- Hoopa, supreme jackass of the Kalos Region.  
  
“Hoopa! Do you really want to be locked in the Distortion World again? Or have even more of your power taken away?...How about we just turn you into a **FUCKING MAGIKARP!** ”  
\- A rather pissed off Llama-God.  
  
“Imagine this: when I was a boy, I always dreamed of riding dragons. I never expected it to happen of course, but...to see one perched atop Casterly Rock has reawakened that desire somewhat. How would my father have reacted, I wonder?”  
\- Tyrion Lannister, finally returning to his ancestral home after one hell of a year._  
  
As the third ( _or was it the fourth?_ ) month of 299AC dawned, the name of Lannister continued to decline in importance throughout Westeros. Tywin Lannister, the Lord of Casterly Rock was dead - as was his firstborn son Jaime, only daughter Cersei, grandson Joffrey, brother Kevan and nephew Tygett. His other two grandchildren were presumed dead, though Myrcella and Tommen were in truth travelling the Riverlands. All the aims of the Lannister faction had failed; their word meant little, the ‘traitors’ had not received punishment and they had been forcibly removed from King’s Landing. Every day an invasion of the Westerlands looked more likely, ordered by the Wolf King and the Stag Queen who plotted in the Red Keep.  
  
All was not yet lost however. By a massive stroke of luck, the northern Westerlands themselves had not come under attack by any faction - not even the marauding Ironborn who were still reeling from the cataclysmic Battle of Oldtown (and the apparent abandonment of their new patron deity). Even Faircastle, that island famous for its infamous bad luck had somehow managed to escape damage. The southern Westerlands had suffered slightly more, as the raids of Randyll Tarly had ensured the capture of the town of Cornfield along with the sieges of Silverhall and Crakehall. Tarly had been forced to retreat however, after the sudden death of Renly Baratheon in battle at Storm’s End.  
  
In this political climate when House Lannister itself stood week but the Westerlands stood strong, several of the lordly houses saw an opportunity to forcibly raise their statuses in the post-WOMK world, now that the fate of Castamere was no longer flying above their heads. Among them were the Leffords and Brax’s, both of whom were terrible to lose as allies - particularly when the former controlled the main pass into the Westerlands. To have them make friends with the Tully’s was completely unacceptable, Tywin Lannister would have never stood for it.  
  
But Tywin Lannister was dead, his heir was missing and only his sister reigned in Casterly Rock now.  
  
Genna Lannister had never expected to be the Lady of Casterly Rock, but through multiple unfortunate events had found herself forcibly placed into the position. It was only the weakness of her husband Emmon that had ensured her power within the castle and only the patronage of the large dragon above that kept other houses from openly rebelling. Rayquaza would not appreciate the disturbance caused by a siege, _the lazy git._  
  
The ‘Great’ Dragon of the Skies had by this point fully settled into his rebuilt lair, the completed Sky Pillar almost doubling Casterly Rock’s original height. If you’re wondering how such a thing can possibly stay standing...magic. As always the answer is magic. Rayquaza didn’t particularly care for the events going on ‘downstairs’ from his roost, though he would leave to destroy any balloons in the vicinity or at one point an unfortunate Pidove (whose species had somehow followed the magical beasts to Westeros). He didn’t mind the fact that others occupied his mountain, only bestirring himself to check that they weren’t muddling around too much at the base of his tower (Genna had converted the bottom floor into a dining room, taking advantage of the excellent view given from Rayquaza’s roost). Some have suggested that the relationship of the Lannisters and the Dragon was akin to the ‘partner’ status adopted by several other people and legendary beasts. I would disagree, if anything it was more similar to a flatmate scenario (though not a Kyogre flatmate scenario, **never** one of _those_ ).  
  
 **Never again.**  
  
Of course, Rayquaza wasn’t the only legendary beast to have set up shop in the Westerlands. Suicune had fled there after the arrival of Victini, causing a not insignificant amount of fear for some Lords unlucky enough to have witnessed the Fall of Harrenhal. The aforementioned Pidove plague had infested pretty much everywhere of course, causing annoyance far and wide thanks to their poop.  
  
 _Seriously Arceus, why did we create those?_  
  
 **I don’t know...I think I was hungover at the time.**  
  
 _Oh were you, just as you were at every other shitty moment in our histories! You stupid alcholic! You’re more annoying than Hoopa!_  
  
 **...that was mean, Mew.**  
  
 _It was. I’m sorry Snuggleblossoms._  
  
Speaking of Hoopa, he had somehow managed to find his way into the Westerlands (which honestly shouldn’t be too much of a surprise, of course he was going to end up in the place with the most gold) and had immediately begun stealing everyone’s money. This isn’t really a surprise, he always was a kleptomaniac. At one point he managed to steal Spear Pillar, a crime that resulted in most of his power being locked away inside a bottle. We probably should have done something about his behaviour this time, but of the responsible beasts I had a cold, Arceus and Ho-oh were in Essos, Zygarde was in Sothoryos, Dialga and Palkia were drunk, Lugia was currently evil and Rayquaza was perennially lazy.  
  
Due to the loss of his more powerful form, Hoopa had been forced to limit his activities mainly to the Westerlands - a prize that was probably not fun for the people that lived there, but was better than the alternative. He could no longer teleport himself halfway across the world (though that may have been influenced by Planetos’ subtly different shape and gravity throwing him off course), nor could he seal his stolen artefacts away in a pocket dimension under his own control. You may think this sounds overly mean, but trust me - he really was an utter arsetwat. Even Giratina dislikes him... _and Giratina likes everyone!_  
  
But I’m getting off track here. For whatever reason, the deformed genie had failed to realise that his new ‘Super Secret Store of Treasure’ was in fact the lower vaults of Castamere; a location well known to everyone in the Westerlands and one that had persistent mine activity. The miners were intelligent enough to realise that something was up when they awoke several miles away from Castamere, as was everyone else when the ruined castle suddenly vanished one day. To Hoopa’s extreme annoyance he was never able to work out where the money was vanishing to, though the Lannister men certainly found the task of dragging it up from a flooded mine quite difficult. Personally I expect that the djinn was having trouble adapting to only having two eyes.  
  
 _No Jirachi, I wasn’t talking about you. Go away, I don’t want to play Dungeons and Dragon-types._  
  
Hoopa’s kleptomania would prove instrumental in the founding of the first Westerosi bank (based in Castamere), an institution that somehow ended up with a Meowth as it’s mascot - even though none of that particular species had followed the legendaries through to Westeros. House Lannister was of course in command of this bank, whose first call of business was acting as a neutral party in the end of war negotiations (no one was fooled, but by then Robb and Shireen had bigger problems). Lady Genna is known to have confessed her belief that the money should still have stayed in Casterly Rock, but no one really wants to argue with a beast capable of sending you into an active volcano (assuming he even noticed the loss of gold that is). On the bright side, the loss of gold also affected House Lannister’s rivals who were now unable to raise funds for their armies without a loan from the bank.  
  
The uneasy peace enforced by this incident (and Rayquaza’s presence) continued for another two months, which was enough time for Tyrion Lannister and his few companions to reach Casterly Rock after a long trek through the southern kingdoms. One of them (a sellsword apparently named Broom) only made it this far, as Rayquaza took offence to the suggestion that his tower really wasn’t that tall. He was definitely compensating for something, but to this day I’m unable to work out what considering that we’re all technically genderless (with some minor exceptions).  
  
 _Yes Latias, you are an exception. No, I’m not interested in babysitting. Go ask Landorus._


	25. Brandon's Doom

**Brandon’s Doom  
Winter is Coming II**

_“NO WITNESSES!”  
\- Articuno, prior to turning Orell the Wildling into a red stain.  
  
“Oh come on! How are we meant to deal with that?”  
\- Brandon Stark, prior to receiving a glacier to the Face!  
  
“Ah, My face! You bitch Articuno!”  
\- Kyurem, after receiving a ballista to the Face!  
  
“Shiiiitttt...”  
\- Robb Stark, on receiving an important letter.  
  
“I feel that we are moving too fast. Usually we take a five month rest after every battle.”  
\- The Night’s King, to Kyurem. He vanished shortly afterwards.  
  
“The...time...comes... Once more...I shall be...complete...”  
\- Kyurem the Ice Dragon_  
  
Now finally this book gets to that part of our history beloved by sadists and Team Cipher apologists everywhere - the Fall of the Wall (and everything beyond it obviously). To the surprise of pretty much everyone, in 300AC we weren’t the only faction that had appeared out of nowhere to screw with the world. From the chilly lands in the far north marched an army of Ice Zombies/Elves, who preferred to be called ‘the Others’ (or possibly the White Walkers, it’s kind of unclear). Thanks to the lax behaviour of the Night’s Wat-  
  
_Wait, what was tha-_  
  
‘Sounds of a scuffle ensue’  
  
...  
  
**Ahem, since I was actually there I believe that I (Articuno) should write this chapter, if you don’t mind Mew.**  
  
_‘Silence’_  
  
**I’ll take that as a yes. Anyway, where were you up to...they weren’t that lax, considering this place hasn’t figured out gunpowder or apricorns they had no chance of defeating Kyurem. Also, you said all this in a previous chapter.**  
  
_‘More Silence’_  
  
So yeah, after the Others had finished smashing the Night’s Watch into thousands of tiny bits **which was utterly hilarious to watch** ; they began chasing the escaping Free Folk towards the Wall. If the Others had any sort of air capability they would have probably caught up to them, but sadly Kyurem cannot fly and so they were forced to take the long route towards their desired victims. At least a fifth of their wights were lost in this journey, by tripping over loose pebbles and a tree stump. **I confess, I had never seen a dragon facepalm until that day.  
  
Poor Kyurem.**  
  
When the Free Folk finally reached the Wall they were faced with a large quandary: the remaining Night’s Watch were not willing to let them through. They believed that the Free Folk themselves responsible for the deaths of the Great Ranging, under the orders of their traitor King Mace Rayder (who in all fairness had once been a member of the Watch). Their cries of ‘The Others are Coming!’ were ignored as trickery and deception.  
  
In our modern and (relatively) peaceful world this occurrence might be difficult to understand for the reader, the very idea of the Night’s Watch disbelieving the warnings unthinkable! Sadly, this wasn’t our post-feudalism world (well, mostly - Latias threatened to repopulate Valyria on her own if we removed Princess Salvia) and the Watch had a feud with the Wildlings over 1000 years old. This feud was built on the blood of both groups - without a miracle, there was no chance that they could get along.  
  
**That doesn’t stop it from being horribly depressing.**  
  
When the miracle did finally arrive...it was the side of the Others. Kyurem, who had flown into an apocalyptic rage upon discovering that another company of wights had re-killed themselves by walking into a tree, had resorted to drastic measures to solve this problem and so blasted a clear path through the Haunted Forest (and several Free Folk who had camped there (and a Stark for...some reason)). On the bright side, this meant that Kyurem was now rather tired - depriving the Others of their greatest firepower. On the downside, they didn’t need that power to be victorious.  
  
The Battle of the Wall (if we can actually call it that) was extremely one-sided. Much of the Night’s Watch ran away upon seeing the undead marching towards them and the few that did not were unable to do much to help their side. Several of them rushed to open the gates underneath the Wall, their unending feud with the Wildlings forgotten with the sight of the approaching undead hordes. It was not enough. Many of the Free Folk fled to the east and west to escape, while others began climbing the Wall itself. More still fled into the opened tunnel to Castle Black - and were crushed in there by the weight of thousands of bodies, the pile of their corpses preventing any others from fleeing that way after barely ten minutes of the struggle.  
  
They were a feast for the waiting dead. Despite the attempts of a noble few, the humans were struck down ten-at-a-time: not just the men, but the women and children too. They were like animals and were slaughtered like animals! The only ones to survive were the ones that ran fast enough.  
  
Still, it wasn’t entirely one-sided in the favour of the undead, for I (Articuno) choose this moment to rouse myself since Kyurem was looking ready for another blast. Since I was currently roosting in the aforementioned Wall, that would not be beneficial to me and so I was able to act ‘in self defence’ as my vow allows. Ice attacks would of course be useless against one of my own type and so I took a more inspired approach.  
  
I dropped a ballista on his head. This was for several reasons: Firstly, those ballistas were extremely noisy and I wanted them gone. Secondly, Kyurem is unable to look up due to his ‘Icy Problem’ and so would not know my attack was coming until it was too late. Thirdly, **it was hilarious (for me. Not for Kyurem).**  
  
The blow knocked Kyurem out instantly, buying a few more of the Free Folk some time to escape while the Others were busy screeching in rage. I was too busy cleaning myself to care as some of the grease used to keep the ballistas functioning had got on my tail feathers. **It was gross, truly and my break to remove it was entirely reasonable whatever Celebi says.**  
  
Still, once they had gotten over their shock the Others proceeded through to capture Castle Black, killing the few Black Brothers that had remained there. Their bravery was admirable, even if it was kind of pointless. Most of them were already several miles southward, along with the surviving Free Folk (about 200 people under the leadership of a ‘Princess Val’). King Mance and many other (in)famous Wildlings had not made it to safety.  
  
Over the next fortnight, the rest of the Wall would fall. The army of the dead would grow to unbelievable heights, accompanied by the ever encroaching spread of winter. But it was not all good for the Others. With no warning, the leader of their conquest had vanished; leaving them with a _very_ temperamental Ice Dragon as supreme leader. They had learned that other magical beings occupied this world and that they would not go quietly into the abyss. And their arrival on the realms of men would not now come as a surprise, for already warnings from the Maester of Castle Black were winging their way southwards with one message...  
  
_“The Wall has Fallen. They are Coming...”_  
  
  
**Well, that went well. Thanks for letting me write this Mew. It’s always nice to spend time togeth-  
  
Mew?  
  
Mew are you there?  
  
Where could he have gone...hmm, oh there’s a letter:**  
  
‘If you want to see the Fetus again, come to Temporal Tower at Midnight. Bring the Wishmaker.’  
  
**...well that can’t be good.**

 

**The Rise of the Meta Arc** **  
Spear Pillar 3.0, the 24th of Last Seed, 523AC**

**Articuno:** _‘Frantically’_ Dialga! Celebi! Are you there?

**Dialga:**...no.

**Celebi:** Definitely not. I’m visiting a cousin at this precise moment.

**Articuno:** Shut up, I need your help. Mew’s been kidnapped.

**Celebi:** _‘Exasperated’_ Again?

**Dialga:** Have you checked with the usual suspects?

**Articuno:** Giratina and Cyrus had no ideas, Latias denied everything, no Ultra Beasts have appeared in three months and the Golden Goddesses are too busy flooding Hyrule to be causing trouble. The only one left to check is the Llama.

**Dialga:** Right then! Ahem... _‘Shouting’_ LLAMA-DAD! ARE YOU AND MEW HAVING A LOVER’S SPAT AGAIN?!

**Arceus:** _‘Distantly’_ NO. NOT AT THIS TIME.

**Dialga:** THANKS! _‘Normal Volume’_ So none of the usual people then...hmm...

**Jirachi:** Maybe it’s Team Cipher again?

**Articuno:** AH! When did you get here?!

**Jirachi:**...I came in with you, remember?

**Articuno:**...oh. _‘Looks embarrassed’_

**Celebi:** I doubt it’s Team Cipher again Jirachi, not after what we did in Orre.

_‘All of them laugh’_

**Jirachi:** True, true. Definitely not anyone from that region. _‘Smiles at the memories’_

**Dialga:** Maybe it’s the Missingno? Or the False One? Or the Chan-

**The Other Three:** _‘Panicking’_ WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THE CHANDITTOKIPS!!!

**Arceus:** _‘Distantly’_ DO NOT MENTION THOSE THINGS WITHIN FIFTY LEAGUES OF ME! Assholes...

**Dialga:** _‘Shouting’_ SORRY LLAMA-DAD! _‘In an indoor voice’_ Ahem, sorry guys. I forgot the unspoken rule.

**Celebi:** It’s fine Dia. We all have our slip ups.

**Articuno:** Oh that reminds me, the kidnapper wanted to meet us at Temporal Tower!

**Dialga: Why does he want you to meet him in my temple?**

**Articuno:** I don’t know, you can ask him when we get there.

**Dialga:** You assume that I am accompanying you in this quest?

**Jirachi:** Are you?

**Dialga:**...yes.

**Celebi:** _‘Excited’_ I’ll come to! We can make a adventure out of finding out where Mew’s buggered off to!

**Landorus:** He’s been kidnapped.

**Articuno:** AH! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?!

**Landorus:**...I’ve been sitting here the entire time!

 


	26. Tommengate

**Tommengate**

**Elsewhere in Westeros II**

  
“Kyogre? Are you there? Hello? Yes, you’re a bitch but this isn’t the time, do you know where we are? Vessteross? What’s ‘Vessteross’?”  
\- Groudon, finally realising that he wasn’t still in Hoenn.  
  
_“Tell Lord Footly that I appreciate his objections to supporting my claim to the Iron Throne. The Lannisters may still prove a threat, even now that they have been sundered by the Starks, after all. Yes, tell him that. Xerneas will go with you, to ensure my ‘message’ is delivered **adequately**.”  
\- Queen Shireen Baratheon, who is reminding me more of Visenya by the day._  
  
_“Groudon, if you destroy this mountain I will personally trap you in a dimension made entirely of water.”  
“Noted. What are you playing?”  
“Strip Werewolf. You wanna join?”  
Palkia, Groudon and Dialga at Spear Pillar 2.0_  
  
_“Well on the bright side...the Mountain Clans are no longer a problem for us? Huh?”  
“...shut up.”  
“I would take Baelish over this.”  
“I wouldn’t. At least the fire monster isn’t a creep.”  
\- Lady Anya Waynwood and Lord Yohn Royce_  
  
_“I swear there was less lava on the maps...”  
“FIRE KITTIES!!!”  
“No Tommen! Come back!”  
\- Princesses Myrcella and Tommen, upon entering the Vale.  
  
"I should be Queen! I am the eldest, therefore the Iron Throne is mine by rights!"  
"That might not be the best idea. Firstly, you'd have to prolong this pointless-"  
"I agree Cella! You **should** be queen!"  
"Tommen, it's rude to interrupt. As I was saying-"  
"I'd trust you on the throne more than anyone else."  
"Well that's slightly unfai-"  
"Can I be the first female Kingsguard?"  
"Can I be Royal Chef?"  
"Can I go back to King's Landing without being murdered?"  
"Oh this is going to suck."  
\- Myrcella, Raikou, Tommen, Raikou, Bella, Raikou, Arya, Hot Pie, Gendry and **Raikou.**_  
  
  
**What’s this then? A laptop? Why is there a laptop lying about in Spear Pillar?**  
  
**Oh, Mew is writing a story again!**  
  
**Hopefully it’s a bit less racist this time, we still haven’t been entirely forgiven in Orre - though that might be because Kyogre sunk half the continent. I wonder where he’s up to...**  
  
**Tommengate? Ah shit, not that wierdo; I’ve still got ribbons in my hair from the ‘Thundercat’ days. And Entei and Suicune wouldn’t stop laughing about it for centuries!**  
  
**Still...since no one else is here...**  
  
In whatever month of 300AC this was (Legendries are universally bad at remembering times), Westeros had been truly fucked. Even with the War of Four Kings dying down now that all of them were dead due to a nonexistent conspiracy, unrest still ruled even in those provinces that weren’t currently covered in lava. The Reach was a prime example of this, as in the aftermath of the Orgy of Corpses ( **which for reference needs a better name. This is exactly why Victini isn’t allowed to name stuff!** ) the Tyrells of Highgarden had floundered like leaves in the wind. With Shaymin and Mira Forrester gone and the losses of manpower irreplaceable, the Tyrells were left to watch as parts of the former Gardener realm began to flake off from their control. Oldtown and the other parts of the Hightower domain were the first, for the city had fallen into anarchy in the aftermath of the Ironborn attack on the city. Only the Starry Sept was left to provide any order in the area and they were rather focused on the still-present Ironborn raiders.  
  
The Ironborn (to the disappointment of everyone else) were not particularly disheartened by the vanishing act their ‘god’ had performed. Often they were too busy celebrating their great victory over the ‘Greenlanders’ to worry and much of the fleet had to be removed from active military service to take their newfound riches and thralls back to the islands. The full extent of the captured wealth is unknown, but considering Oldtown’s power it was undoubtedly worth tens-of-thousands of Gold Dragons. This was wealth the islands had not seen in generations; though in hindsight its capture was not brilliant for them since none of the other kingdoms were willing to trade, making it effectively worthless for the Isles as a whole. They were also leaderless, since Kyogre had flown off to the northeast. Strangely, he had only taken one small orb with him and refused to divulge his intentions ( **or killed the people stupid enough to ask, since this is Kyogre we are talking about here** ).  
  
The Tyrells also faced a problem on their eastern border, as Queen Shireen Baratheon had most certainly not been dissuaded from her plans of conquest by the aforementioned ( **terribly-named** ) battle. This might have been a result of Xerneas swearing allegiance to her out of embarrassment, though I personally suspect that she was secretly a massive sadist _all along_. Tommen and Myrcella certainly were.  
  
_Technically they were Lannisters, not Baratheons._  
  
**Not at that point, Koko. My point stands.**  
  
_Whatever you say._  
  
As I was saying, Queen Shireen **– wait a sec, how did you even get in here? We banned your posse from entering Spear Pillar after that massive Gyarados/Wishiwashi War.**  
  
_Um…uh…why are you on Mew’s laptop?! I doubt he agreed to let you touch it!_  
  
**I won’t tell if you don’t.**  
  
_Agreed._  
  
**Good, now fuck off.**  
  
The near-entirety of the Stormlands had fallen to Shireen with astonishing speed, as her messengers sped throughout the kingdom calling on all ‘true lords’ to swear fealty to the ‘Last True Baratheon’. Faced with no other options, most of the Lords agreed though they conspicuously failed to send any manpower to replace that which had been lost. Many Reach houses had also sworn to support her claim for the throne, though some such as Lord Duncan Footly had needed coercing. As it happens however, Shireen would not truly become a threat for the Tyrells themselves as she had no intention of marching on Highgarden, at least not yet. In the aftermath of the Orgy of Corpses, her plan had been to ensure the stability of her own realm and its borders. With that now done, she was able to march northwards to King’s Landing in response to Robb Stark’s request for a great council.  
  
As the reader should expect, this did not go to plan. For anyone ( **excluding immortals** ).  
  
As the previous writers appear to have already covered the Westerlands, I will skip over them. I will also skip over Dorne, because I wasn’t there and still have no idea what happened. I know it involved Regirock and Reshiram and that thrice-accursed bird type…but I was asleep during the debriefing afterwards. **In my defense, I’d been up all the previous night trying to get my hair out of plaits.**  
  
So I shall move onto the Vale, the part of Westeros that rivals the Orange Islands in boringness. Well, except during tsunami season or hurricane season or ‘the Weather Trio is fighting again’ season…The point still stands. Groudon’s awakening had improved the area by a substantial amount, even if the side effects had involved the deaths of approximately a third of the Vale’s population. Most of them were Mountain Clans though, so don’t feel too upset (I certainly don’t!). The southern and eastern territories of the Vale were the ones that had currently survived, spared from Groudon’s obliviousness by the distraction of Spear Pillar 2.0. Dialga and Palkia were currently the only inhabitants, as Arceus and Mew had left for their own reasons and Jirachi was thrown out after urinating on the sacrificial altar. Again. The surviving Vale Lords seemed strangely content with this turn of events, though that might have been due to the realization that there was really nothing they could do to punish Groudon or any other Legendary Beast, excluding Mewtwo due to his hilariously bad peripheral vision.  
  
**I remember this occasion in Mossdeep city where- ‘giggles’ -oh, you should have seen his face after the- ‘giggles’ -it was brilliant!**  
  
Sadly, Groudon was not the only problem the remaining Vale Lords would face. As luck would have it, I was entering the Vale with the Court of Myrcella and Tommen in tow ( **to my undying annoyance** ) since the Riverlands had got a bit boring after two visits to the collapsed castle of Harrenhal. By some strange turn of fate, we managed to end up at the castle of Ironoaks, which was the seat of House Waynwood. I was rather surprised to learn that the current ‘Lord’ of the castle was in fact a lady, a revelation that was rather comforting after too much of Westeros’ blatant misogyny. We never had this problem in our world! Lady Anya was also fairly normal, which was nice and she seemed to have some understanding of how unbelievably annoying this routine was for me.  
  
_As I seem to recall, you went with them of your own recall. You could have left at any time._  
  
**…what did I say about fucking off, Koko.**  
  
Fine, they might not have been _that_ bad, for humans. Or at least they weren’t until Anya’s influence convinced Myrcella that she needed to claim the Iron Throne. I was in the midst of pointing out how terrible an idea that was when Tommen announced his agreement. Then Bella did the same. Then Arya. Then finally Hot Pie and Gendry. Mya Stone (who was also a bastard child of this Robert bloke, seriously – how many kids did he have?) who had fled to Ironoaks after the Fall of the Eyrie and Lady Anya herself were also in agreement on this plan. How much of that support was out of ambition rather than genuine support for Myrcella’s candidacy is up for debate. The latter may also have been trying to show off to Lord Yohn Royce.  
  
In fairness to the two ‘trueborn’ Baratheons, they were now biologically Robert’s kids thanks to Jirachi. Due to that, they arguably were higher in the succession than Shireen, though she didn’t agree. Most of the Vale would however and so flocked to the banner of Queen Myrcella, even though Tommen was technically still first in the succession. In fairness, he was still pretty young and extremely uninterested in the prospect of ruling. Rather, he was looking for the fabled ‘Fire Kitty’ I might have mentioned to him, in the middle of a rant about Entei’s dickery. As for why this incident is named after him anyway…it sounded better as a title on Bulbapedia.  
  
Still, even with large chunks of the continent still divided, it did not necessarily need to come to war. Both of the Queens had agreed with Robb’s Stark’s request for a Great Council. Both were willing to accept the outcome. _Surely there was no need for violence?_  
  
**Yeah, about that.**

 

_“I knew this was coming. I knew, from the moment Suicune presented herself to me, I knew this. I know what you desire. You cannot change the world’s nature, do you realize that? Kings, Lords, the Iron Throne...they will still call for bloodshed no matter how many you slay! Westeros...is...eternal! You cannot change the hearts of an entire...nation. It is...impossible...”_  
_\- Last Words of Robb Stark, Lord of Winterfell_

**…I wonder where Mew keeps his alcohol cabinet…**

**Several Hours Later...**

**What was that noise? Gahh, my head still hurts!**  
  
_Hey, big boy. Does doggy want a stick?_  
  
**That’s impossible…you can’t be here. YOU CAN’T BE HERE! YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BE---  
  
...**

_Palkia: Hey guys, I got the milk!...Where did everyone go?_

 

**The Hunt for Mew!**

**Temporal Tower, 2017AC**

**Narrator:** After leaving Spear Pillar, our not-so-brave Heroes Articuno, Celebi, Jirachi, Dialga, Landorus and _Krok-gar_ have journeyed to Dialga’s summer home to seek out the kidnapper of Mew. Will they find the perpetrator? Or will they also be lured into a trap?

_‘Cut to the legendaries hiding badly behind a boulder.’_

**Celebi:** Do you guys see anyone?

 **Articuno:** _‘Annoyed’_ Only someone’s hand which is halfway down my ass! _‘Looks at Landorus.’_

 **Landorus:** Don’t look at me, I always ask for consent first.

 **Jirachi:** _‘Sniggers’_

 **Landorus:** Shut up.

 **Dialga:** Can we please move? I think my back legs are in _another dimension..._

 **Articuno:** We probably should. _‘Loudly’_ CHARGE!

 **All the Legendaries:** RAAAAGGGHHhh...

 **Grymloq:** _‘Stock T-Rex Sound Effect’_

_‘No one is there.’_

**Jirachi:** _‘Embarrassed’_ I feel like an idiot.

 **Celebi:** You are an idiot.

 **Jirachi:** _‘Angry’_ You’re a bigger one!

 **Celebi:** Why you little-

 **Landorus:** Shut it you two! Krok-gar, you’re an expert: where is the kidnapper hiding?

 **Krok-gar:** Why am I even here?

 **Dialga:** We needed the intimidation factor, so we arranged a trade with Lord Maz.

 **Krok-gar:** Then who’s doing my job?

 **Dialga:** Kyogre, I think...

**-Meanwhile in the Realm of Chaos-**

**Khorne, the Blood God: WHO THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU FUCKFACE!!!** _‘Summons Chainaxe’_

 **Kyogre, the Ocean God: I AM THE FUCKING SEA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!** _‘Summons Tidal Wave’_

**-Back to Temporal Tower-**

**Dialga:** I’m sure she’s fine.

 **Grymloq:** Raaaggghhh.

 **Dialga:** So anyway...?

 **Krok-gar:** _‘Sigh’_ If I have learnt anything, its that they’ll be hiding behind that altar so they can jump onto it at the most surprising moment. That’s the way it always happens.

 **Articuno:** You’re sure?

 **Krok-gar:** I am.

 **Articuno:** Excellent. **Bombard that altar!**

 **Dialga:** Wait, don-

_‘They do. The altar is destroyed, revealing that...no one is hiding behind it. Huh.’_

**Articuno:** Oh.

 **Dialga:** You idiots, I-

 **Jirachi:** Great Job Arty! Now what are we gonna tell the others?!

 **Dialga:** -need thAt to-

 **Landorus:** I vote that we blame Missingno.

 **Dialga:** -nEEd to-

 **Krok-gar:** Was no one here, after all?

**Dialga: -NeeD tO-**

**Articuno:** Apparently.

**Dialga: -NeEd oT-**

**Grymloq:** Raaaaggghhh?

 **Dialga:** _run._

 **Celebi:** So what do we do-

**Primal Dialga: RaAaAaAaaAAAaAGggGGGHHhhhHH!!!**

**Articuno:** Oh shit!

 **Landorus:** Ahhh!

 **Grymloq:** Raagggh?!

 **Primal Dialga: FoOls! yOU wiLl AlL diE!!!** _‘Blasts Jirachi’_

 **Jirachi:** Ahhhh! _‘Dies’_

 **Celebi:** Jirachi! No!

 **Articuno:** Fuck!

**Primal Dialga: i WiLl maKE yOUr GuTs iNto mY bReAd!!!**

**Landorus:** Run away! _Run Away!_

_‘They run’_

**Celebi:** _‘Panicking’_ Is he chasing us?!

 **Articuno:** I don’t know!

 **Grymloq:** Raaggh!

 **Jirachi:** Keep running!

 **Landorus:** I thought you were dead?!

 **Celebi:** I went back in time to save him, at the price of Victini.

 **Landorus:** Fair enough. Run!

**Several miles, two dimensions and a fish bowl later...**

**Krok-gar:** _‘Panting’_ I want to go home.

 **Landorus:** Can I come?

**Krok-gar: No, never.**

**Landorus:** Well screw yo-

 **Articuno:** I’m afraid you’ll have to stay for now, Monsieur Gar. We cannot send you back with Dialga in his current...state.

 **Krok-gar:** But it was Palkia who brought me over.

 **Articuno:** Yes, but...he will be...in mourning for his brother.

 **Celebi:** That doesn’t sound like Dialga.

 **Articuno:** DO NOT QUESTION MY GENIUS!!! _‘Punches Celebi’_

 **Jirachi:** I found another note!

 **Celebi:** What does it say?

 **Jirachi:** _‘LOL, Dudes! I never thought that would actually work. I’ve totally made fools out of all of you Lololololololololololol-‘_

 **Landorus:** Skip this bit.

 **Articuno:** _Don’t interrupt!_

 **Jirachi:** _‘-Lololol! I’m the best! You’re the worst! Hahahahahaha-‘_ Etcetera, etcetera...

 **Celebi:** I feel like an idiot.

 **Jirachi:** You are an idi-

 **Articuno:** Let’s go and have a nap, we’ll reconvene in the morning.

 **Jirachi:** But-

 **Articuno:** JIRACHI, go and rest. **Now.** You were literally dead earlier.

 

Here’s something that I wrote ages ago and forgot to post here for whatever reason. I’ve updated it a bit, but basically the WI was that the Boltons had Hyenas to work against the Stark Direwolves...

**Omake: Mew and Arceus gatecrash the Bolton Rebellion**

"Well this is boring" muttered Mew as he flew unseen over the battle happening below. Wolves and Hyenas tore each other apart, as man and horse did the same at their sides.  
  
"How so?" pondered Arceus, "There's enough blood and gore here to make another Lavender Town. Maybe even a Orre."  
  
"True" muttered the Floating Cat Fetus, "But the actual fighting sucks! I mean, these...dogs are only using  _Bite_  and  _Scratch_. Who uses just those two? Why would anyone-"  
  
"What do you want them to do, throw fireballs at each other?" the Horse/Ship's Wheel Mutant replied, "They aren't Pokemon."  
  
Mew glared. "I know they aren't Pokemon you cosmic turd, but I still...”  
  
“I understand” Arceus said, “It is tiring to watch battles not in our weight bracket. I still keep hoping for one of the soldiers to whip out a gun.”  
  
Mew stared. “When have you handled a gun?”  
  
The Llama fidgeted. “I might have...gone undercover once...”  
  
“Which universe?” Mew demanded.  
  
“... _nazi zombies_ ” Arceus whispered.  
  
“What was that?” Mew’s grin was massive.  
  
“Nazi Zombies” Arceus grunted, “But you can’t talk - I’ve seen you cosplaying in that Doomguy armour!”  
  
“I have no idea what you mean.” Mew smiled.  
  
“You Jackass.”  
  
“I’m hurt!”  
  
“No you’re not.” For a few seconds they stuck out their tongues, the two of them recalling days before the multiple apocalypses, timeline resets and multiverse invasions.  
  
Suddenly, Mew’s face lit up with a psychotic grin. "There's an idea. JIRACHI!"  
  
"What are you-" Arceus tried to say, but was interrupted by the arrival of the Wish Fairy.  
  
"What is it now, Mew" he replied, "I was busy turning someone into a human bowling ball." Mew's grin could have curdled Muk.  
  
"I wish that-"  
  
"I can't grant wishes more than once every thousand-" Arceus and Mew snorted.  
  
"Please" said Arceus, "We both know that's only something you said so no one would bother you."  
  
"...Dickheads" muttered Jirachi.  
  
"That's the spirit!" said Mew, "Anyway Jirachi, I need you to turn all of these beasts into Pokemon." The fairy blinked.  
  
"Couldn't you have done that yourself?" he asked.  
  
"Probably" Mew replied, "But I'm too lazy."  
  
"Arceus?"  
  
"..."  
  
"ARCEUS!"  
  
"What?" muttered the God, "I was reading the Beano, have I missed anything?"  
  
Mew laughed. “I can’t believe you still read that thing, it’s meant for ten years olds!”  
  
“I am ten” Arceus replied, “Ten-thousand, that is.” Once again, the two gods stuck out their tongues.  
  
Jirachi on the other hand sighed, rubbed his forehead and turned to the battle. "Abracadabra" he deadpanned, before waving his arms and vanishing.  
  
On the battlefield below, where once there had been Wolves and Hyenas now stood row upon row of pink goo creatures, with black fins and glowing lamps for their heads.  
  
"Well that can't be good" muttered Mew.

 ----------------

**And that is how the Chandittokips were born! Mwahahahahaha-**

**There were no Survivors. Or at least there weren’t, until Dialga travelled back in time and shoved Bran Stark in front of an angry Ice Dragon.**


	27. Heroes of the Storm

**Heroes of the Storm  
A Thousand Problems III**

  
_“When madness takes a god, man is lost. And when Gods meet ruin, men die too. That is the plight the world now faces.”  
\- Ser Davos Seasworth, to Queen Shireen Baratheon.  
  
“Bring the sail in, quick! You’ll all have to be careful unless you want me drowned; we need to ride this storm! Hahahahahahaha!”_  
\- Euron Greyjoy, battling the aftermath of Lugia’s corruption.  
  
_“Since I am pregnant, I must be waited on hand and foot.”  
‘Sigh’  
“So get me some grapes, brother.”  
“As you wish, Latias...”_  
\- Latias and Latios in the Sealord’s Palace.  
  
_“Why did I agree to sign the non-aggression pact? Why?!”_  
\- Mewtwo, lamenting his inability to slaughter Azelf (or anyone else).  
  
“Desperate times call for desperate measures, Latias. How can I call myself good if I am unwilling to make…sacrifices.”  
\- Latios, to his sister during the Fall of Braavos.  
  
_“So falls Braavos, the greatest city in the world. A dominion built to resist slavery and servitude, the single spark that understood the value of equality. A civilisation of Sealords and Sailors, of masters and merchants. So falls Braavos, and the world is but darker...”_  
\- Marin the Blind, often known as the Poet Queen of Norvos

  
‘Mew’s laptop lies abandoned, since everyone is either on a quest, kidnapped, currently dead or drunk.’  
  
‘Well almost everyone.’

To be honest, I think everyone is mildly responsible for the Fall of Braavos. We could all see the signs coming - quite literally in several cases due to significant powers of prophecy or all-sight. We could all have prevented it if we had moved quicker – except Lugia of course, who was trapped in his mind the poor dear. But sadly we were all too wrapped up in our own petty desires and games, too focused on ourselves and our own to deal with the suffering of a species that would repopulate in barely the blink of an eyelid. That is the way of an immortal; an eternal lack of care brought on by the endless passage of eons. We couldn’t care; our souls were already too flawed for such ideals. In some ways it is an instinctive defence mechanism, for how can one be hurt if one doesn’t care about anything? Mortals could afford to break down from the sum of their losses, but we couldn’t. Itsimply couldn’t happen.  
  
For if we did, would we ever wake up again?  
  
Only the truth remains to be told. I am Uxie, being of wisdom…and this is the tale of how Braavos fell.  
  
It began with the Destruction of Lorath and the actions of Euron the Mad. I will not go into detail on those events – for others already have – but suffice to say my relative Lugia was corrupted by Planetos’ own magic into once again assuming his ‘Shadow’ form. I wish to make clear that his actions hereafter were not his own, for the magic had locked away his soul and mind; leaving the resulting being with only the instincts of a rabid beast. Such power as that of a Legendary Pokémon cannot be contained however, so Shadow Lugia swiftly freed itself from Euron’s magical shackles and set to fulfilling its own twisted desires. It was driven off from truly destroying Lorath by the intervention of Regigas; allowing a few of the inhabitants to scurry to safety even as a maelstrom consumed their homes. Lugia himself fled to the west, with Regigas following – albeit at a much slower pace. In time they would fight again, with equally tragic results.  
  
Euron himself fled to the west as well, though his intended destination was different – he had other plans now, with the power and the limitations of the Dragon Horn confirmed to him. I imagine that those plans will be covered later, though hopefully not by any of the Creation Trio.  
  
In the meantime however, Braavos was prospering. They had ( _rather uniquely_ ) been spared from the presence of my more violent relatives. That is not to say they were not visited by a Legendary Pokémon, for they were; but Latias is usually harmless and Latios is generally quite helpful if certain peoples remember not to say the trigger words. I will sadly not be able to recount those words here, in fear of someone like Hoopa discovering them. We can hardly be doing with a repeat of the Mandarin Island incident, can we? The amount of rewriting poor Dialga was forced to employ…  
  
_I apologise, I got off subject there for a moment. It won’t happen again._  
  
Now due to Latias’ latest pregnancy she had been confined to the Sealord’s Palace in Braavos, where she had proceeded to make herself comfortable. This naturally – _‘sigh’_ – involved her bossing everyone including her brother around. Believe me when I say this is to be expected; truly I cannot blame Landorus for refusing to leave the set of tropical islands he had the fortune to discover. Events were further complicated by the sect in Braavos that worshipped the Red God R'hllor, for they interpreted the pregnancy of Latias as a sign for the coming of their prophesied hero ‘Azor Ahai’. Considering later events in this era, I feel I cannot yet disclose whether or not they were correct. However what it certain is that they were no help to anyone but Latias, since their near constant presence proved irritating to both other Braavosi and Latios. Their nightly prayers in particular proved an annoyance, since it prevented most inhabitants of the palace from going to sleep.  
  
Latios however had proven himself to be a great help to the Braavosi people, in return for them not throwing Latias out onto the streets. While he is not particularly powerful compared to some of my other relatives, his variety of skills is indeed exemplary. Therefore Latios had offered to perform ‘odd jobs’ for the city, as long as they didn’t involve killing or other immoral acts. The completed tasks included the raising of several sunken islands in Braavos’ lagoon (an area formerly known as ‘The Sunken City’), some repairs to the Great Titan that would be difficult for a man to reach, as well as a short trip to Pentos to dissuade them from restarting the Slave Trade. All perfectly reasonable activities for a being to get up to; truly it is a shame that my other relatives would consider such activities to be beneath them.  
  
Talking of those other relatives, I will quickly elaborate on the situation elsewhere in western Essos. Mewtwo and Azelf were still being hunted by much of the population of Norvos after stealing every carpet in the city for some strange reason. The two of them were heading slowly eastwards to Qohor, with their speed being significantly slowed by the need to transport all their loot. The pursuing army had lost many men in the pursuit due to a number of accidents; which is a polite way of saying that my brother and Mew’s clone were exploiting loopholes in their non-aggression pact. However I am afraid I cannot reveal the end of that particular tale yet, as it happens sufficiently far after the events in Braavos that it would not be appropriate. I can confirm that at this point Qohor had fallen completely under the control of Keldeo and Darkrai, after their defeat of the ‘Black Goat’ (some sort of primitive demon that received worship only in the city).  
  
In Myr nothing was happening as usual, while in Tyrosh Registeel had met up with Mew (who had left Spear Pillar 2.0 after several severe poker losses). As it turned out, the Regi had been behaving itself quite nicely and had set to improving facilities all over the city. Thankfully this did not include giving the Free City the secret of Gunpowder, though he had begun to spread the knowledge of how to use the power of steam in industry. Mew (naturally) found this incredibly boring and so moved on after a few days. He headed east again towards Volantis and Yvertal; who was causing no end of trouble for the Old Blood.  
  
The City of Lys was faced with a far worse problem however. The Pokémon Melotta and Diancie had arrived here on the turn of the century and immediately restated their rivalry over who was the most ‘stylish’. Naturally this had resulted in vast areas of the city being set alight, because both of them can be rather violent when upset. Melotta in particular has a very nasty right hook. It’s just as well that Magearna wasn’t there as well, though the situation in Asshai-by-the-Shadow was hardly any better.  
  
That about sums it up for the other Free Cities, though I will draw attention to Moltres’ travel to Sarnor and the accidental inspiration he provided for the ‘Sarnoric Games’. He says that it was an accident; personally I doubt this as all three of Lugia’s offspring tend to be extremely vain. But I cannot prove that theory. And so, I shall return to the Fall of Braavos.  
  
The first thing the common Braavosi knew of Shadow Lugia’s arrival was a sudden outbreak of wind and the loud swearing coming from Latios’ direction. The blue dragon was quick to make the danger of the situation clear, for he flew directly to the Sealord’s Palace and ordered him – not requested, ordered him to evacuate the city. “Braavos is doomed as a city” Latios remarked, “I cannot save it. But I can save its inhabitants.” He then flew the pregnant Latias southwards as fast as he could, before returning to buy time for the Braavosi. He knew he couldn’t defeat Shadow Lugia, or regular Lugia for that matter. He could however resist it for a decent while, which would be more than the entire armament of Braavos.  
  
That did not stop the bravest of the city from trying. 100 of the greatest archers in the city, along with 5 men manning a makeshift ballista followed Latios to meet the corrupted Pokémon; willing to give their lives in service of a great cause. Every one of them would be later honoured by the population as a whole, for their sacrifice touched the hearts of all. And it was a sacrifice, for not a single man returned. 20 times was Shadow Lugia struck by a human during the ensuring battle; three times by the ballista before its destruction. 38 times more was it struck by Latios, before the great shadow managed to send him plunging into the lagoon. By this time a sizable amount of the population had fled on boat or via the great aqueduct.  
  
It was not enough.  
  
With a raw of fury, the dark beast unleashed a vortex of water a mile long; carving the city in half and annihilating famous locations such as the Sealord’s Palace, the Moon Pool, the Temple of R’hllor and the Iron Bank in an second. Not even ashes were left; such was the force of Shadow Lugia’s blow. And he was not yet done. The beast reared again for another strike, as the city cried out in terror…

**“LET’S PLAY A GAME!”** roared a voice.

  
And the beast smashed into the Titan of Braavos as _Giratina_ rose from the waters to issue challenge, unleashing his own beam of fire to send the monster flying. Latios had called upon him in a final moment of panic, against his own will due to the unsavoury reputation the Exile had gathered (undeservedly). But Giratina had not only arrived for battle, he had arrived to assist the doomed city as well. All across the city, the population was sucked into shadows and pools of darkness; portals to the Distortion World ruled by the Ghost Type where they would be safe from Shadow Lugia’s wrath. Even more crucially, the legendries could now unleash their full powers without worrying about the resulting endangerment to human life.  
  
So the battle began anew; Giratina and Latios against the shadow of their friend and relative. Together they were more than a match for him, especially when Latios managed to Mega Evolve from sheer desperation. The city was however levelled to the ground. Of Braavos today, the only sign is a few scattered ruins and the top half of a giant poking out of the bay. This was required by the side protecting the city as well, for with the region of Orre unavailable they were force to rely on more primitive techniques to bring Lugia back to sanity. This came with the problem of neither Latios nor Giratina being able to hold the beast down. Thankfully, Regigas finally turned up and managed to grapple the shadow beast close to where the House of Black and White once stood.  
  
Finally through a lot of pain, Lugia was restored.  
  
That was unlikely to be any comfort to the Braavosi however.


	28. Land of the Plot Armour

**Land of the Plot Armour  
Fucking Dornish!**

  
_‘Dear Brother, I was pleased to hear about your acquisition of a dragon. Truly I did not think that our Valyrian blood flowed deep enough to give us that power. But no matter, with the dragon at our sides – fully grown you say? – We can doubtless crush any who cause us trouble.  
…But that is the problem Doran; everyone we wanted revenge on is already dead.’  
\- Oberyn Martell, in a letter to his brother Prince Doran concerning events north of the border._  
  
_“We have a dragon and a titan on our side!”  
“They have a bigger dragon **and** a kleptomaniac genie on theirs!”  
“…But we have scorpions!”  
“This is why no one likes you Obara!”  
“You take that back!”  
“No!”  
“HYAAAAHHHHHH!!!”  
– The Sand Snakes, arguing over the possibility of revenge._  
  
_“Oh, why did the Gods curse me with nieces. Couldn't Oberyn have had sons instead?”  
– Doran Martell, in response to the above._  
  
_“Can you talk? All the other monsters can.”  
“(@-@)”  
“I assume that’s a no…oh.”  
– Elia Sand and Regirock, on disappointments._  
  
_“Unbowed. Unbent. Unimportant.”  
– Queen Shireen Baratheon, on whether the Dornish are in fact relevant._  
  
Since no one appears to be attempting my kidnap, I feel that it would be reasonable for me to continue this record. Especially considering the next chosen location on Mew’s list...hmm. My apologies, though I will personally endeavour to remain unbiased in my account of these events; the notes I have been given are most certainly not friendly to the inhabitants of this region.  
  
For some strange reason, my relatives must particularly dislike the Principality of Dorne. I wonder why...  
  
At the start of 300AC (it should have been 299AC, but Dialga appears to have distorted the timeline by accident), the southernmost region of Westeros was curiously in a state of peace. Unlike all the territories north of the border (with the possible exception of the Vale), Dorne had not been drawn into the War of Many Kings due to a continued rivalry with the other noble houses due to the horrendous fates of Elia Martell and her children in Robert’s Rebellion. This was undoubtedly good for it, as it meant it was spared from the losses that the other kingdoms suffered - both the ones inflicted by humans and by my relatives. The side effect however, was that the Dornish people were unable to satisfy their urge for revenge over Elia and the many others who died in the rebellion.  
  
These feelings were particularly keenly felt by the surviving members of House Martell and their offspring, both legitimate and illegitimate. Doran Martell - who strikes me as a most sensible man - had ordered a forming up of Dorne’s armies on the land border to deter invasion, but had done nothing as despite endless verbal abuse from the rest of his family. His daughter and heir Arianne and his nieces (the infamous Sand Snakes) in particular were keen to avenge themselves on the rest of Westeros; though for a strange reason one of the most targeted areas in their plans was Oldtown, which had been on their side during the last war along with the rest of the Reach. It was also due to be sacked by the Ironborn and Kyogre, though they in fairness had no way of predicting that.  
  
As with most other regions of Planetos, the arrival of my relatives failed to make this situation anything but worse (they would claim that this side-effect is not our fault - that is most definitely a lie, since most of our kind are entirely irresponsible). The Pokémon in this case were Regirock and Reshiram, a curious pairing that I find difficult to justify.  
  
_Marshadow informs me that they look cute together; I am not sure whether I agree._  
  
Now Regirock and Reshiram had managed to fall under the control of Prince Doran, which is not surprising in both cases since the Regi Trio - and their master to a lesser extent - prefer to be ordered around rather than planning their own activities. That is how they were designed after all, during the period when the earliest of us were still deciding the shape of the world and hardly needed any more of our kind to argue with (for reference, I voted for a flat disc with Spear Pillar at the centre). Reshiram quite similarly was born out of obedience, though in that case to the brothers who founded the Unova region rather than Mew and Arceus. Doran being ‘honoured by the Seven’ in such a way did thankfully not deprive him of his common sense and so he made sure to wait before acting; allowing him unlike many other lords of Westeros to realise the damage that one of my relatives can cause. He learnt of the Fall of Harrenhal, of the Orgy of Corpses, of the Doom of the Arryns - and he learnt from them.  
  
Learnt that the best decision was in fact staying in the south and doing nothing. There was too little to be gained and far, _far too much_ to be lost by venturing into the chaos north of the border. A letter from his brother Oberyn that confirmed the death of certain hated figures (such as all three Baratheon brothers) only made him more confident in the rightness of his decision. The daughter and nieces of Doran continued to complain, but he ignored them. There were far more important things to worry about, such as that proposed irrigation canal the Orphans of the Greenblood had been yapping about.  
  
So in conclusion, Dorne stayed out of the War of Many Kings and did absolutely nothing to earn this mysterious hatred my relatives seem to have developed. They simply acted like sensible people, which I at least can appreciate.  
  
…though Reshiram did eventually kidnap Obara Sand and fly north to find Zekrom. That did become very important later.

**Mangy Meetings  
Spear Pillar 4.0, 2018AC**

  
**Palkia:** Celebi, if you wouldn’t mind?  
  
**Celebi:** _Of course_ I wouldn’t. _‘Ahem’_ ORDER! ORDER IN THE FUCKING COURT!  
  
**Palkia:** Language!  
  
**Celebi:** _‘Glares’_  
  
**Palkia:** Now then, before we start on this meeting I believe we should go over the minutes from the last time quadrant. Melotta?  
  
**Melotta:** Azelf wished to go to war with Mossovy but was defeated 7-3. Dialga asked to increase the annual alcohol budget and succeeded 10-0. Regigas and Groudon wished to create a new island chain between Farthos and Westeros, but the court failed to reach a decision.  
  
**Tapu Bulu:** _‘Growling’_ NO-MORE-ISLANDS. LEAVE-OCEAN-ALONE.  
  
**Jirachi:** Don’t you live on an island?  
  
**Tapu Bulu:** ALOLA-IS-SACRED.  
**  
Articuno:** Some would say that the entire planet is kinda sacred by now. Everyone remembers the Eternity War surely.  
  
**Everyone:** _‘Winces’_  
  
**Tapu Bulu** : _‘Glares’_  
  
**Melotta:** Getting back on subject, the final event of last meeting was Rayquaza bringing up the potential existence of ‘Subject Two’ and being subsequently beaten up by Mew and Arceus. The session ended afterwards due to the rest of us leaving for our own protection.  
  
**Palkia:** Thank you Melotta. Due to the absence of Dialga, Fetus-Dad and Llama-Dad-  
  
**Arceus:** _‘From offscreen’_ **I HEARD THAT!**  
  
**Palkia:** -Due to the aforementioned absences, I have taken the post of temporary chairman. Melotta is deputy, Landorus is chancellor; in the event of invasion Groudon is the sponsored meat-shield.  
  
**Groudon:** _‘Grumbles’_ I never agreed to this...  
  
**Palkia:** For reference, I nominated Celebi for the latter job, since he hasn’t been answering my phone calls.  
  
**Celebi:** If I go back in time and answer them, will you forgive me?  
  
**Palkia: No.** Who wants to talk first?  
  
**Heatran:** I shall if there are no objections? Latios has asked me-  
  
**Melotta:** Why couldn’t he be here himself?  
  
**Heatran:** _...think about it._ Latios has asked me to ensure that New Braavos’ recent expansion is protected from ‘rampaging idiots’ as he puts it. Shall we put it to a vote?  
  
**Palkia:** Of course; I vote yes.  
  
**Articuno:** Braavos is pretty nice...yes from me as well.  
  
**Regigas:** _‘Sad Computer Noises’_  
  
**Melotta:** That’s a no from Regi’ and a yes from me.  
  
**Groudon:** I agree! Less land for Kyogre is always a good thing!  
  
**Tapu-Bulu:** _‘Growls’_ CITY-IS-UNNATURAL! TOO-MANY-HUMANS-ALREADY!  
  
**Uxie:** Would you mind keeping it quiet? I’m writing up our history over here.  
  
**Landorus** : Sorry Uxie! I vote yes, less random Ruins is always a good idea.  
  
**Jirachi:** I vote no, we should leave this up to chance. So does Celebi.  
  
**Celebi:** _‘Confused’_ No I- _‘Is punched unconscious’_  
  
**Palkia:** I'll allow that. Well, Yvertal? Your thoughts?  
  
**Yvertal: DDDEEEEEAAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHH!!!**  
  
**Jirachi:** That’s probably a no.  
  
**Melotta:** Indeed. Tally is 5-5, the decision is postponed until our next meeting.  
  
**Heatran:** Oh dear.  
  
**Regigas:** **‘Angry Computer Noises’**  
  
**Landorus:** Once again Regi’, we are not allowed to declare war on other universes just because the people there happen to be dicks.  
  
**Regigas: ‘Quietly Peeved Computer Noises’**  
  
**Palkia:** Language!  
  
**Articuno:** If Regigigas (I don’t know why everyone keeps misspelling his name) is done, I and Celebi have something to bring before the court.  
  
**Palkia:** I assume this is an explanation for my brother’s sudden madness?  
  
**(Primal) Dialga:** _‘Distantly’_ **wHEre’S tHE TrIGgeR! WhErE Is iT?**  
  
**Yvertal: DDDDEEEEEAAAATTTTHHHH!!!**  
  
_‘Everyone sighs’_  
  
**Groudon** : I hate it when they get like this.  
  
**Jirachi:** Ditto.  
  
**Landorus:** Where?  
  
**Articuno:** It does in fact have something to do with Dialga’s current state, but that was not the original issue. Mew has gone missing, as has Raikou, as has-  
  
_‘Articuno suddenly vanishes’_  
  
**Melotta:**...as has Articuno apparently.  
  
**Heatran:** That’s rather unusual.  
  
**Jirachi:** Where did he go? Articuno? Articuno? _Articuno?!_  
  
**Groudon:** Shut it!  
  
**Palkia:** Thank you Groudon. Now, owing to the circumstances I believe we must implement the ‘Buffy’ Protocol.  
  
**Landorus:** The one where we blow up a volcano?  
  
**Melotta:** That’s the Cinnabar protocol.  
  
**Tapu-Bulu:** ORDER-TO-DANCE?  
  
**Melotta:** No, you’re thinking of the Slateport Protocol.  
  
**Yvertal: DEATH?**  
  
**Palkia:** That one doesn’t even exist, ‘Verty.  
  
**Jirachi:** Oh snap. You mean... _that plan._  
  
**Melotta:** Yes we do. From here on out the partner program is reinstated.  
  
**Landorus:** May Arceus have mercy on our souls...  
  
**Arceus:** 'Still Offscreen' **GO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time! A Longer Chapter!


	29. Oblivion (no, not the Bethesda Game)

**Oblivion (no, not the Bethesda game)  
The Fall of Essos V**

  
_“Tell me of Westeros, Mesprit. What has befallen those lands since Viserys’ death? What of the Usuper? What of the Lannisters and the Starks?”  
“…I really don’t know how to tell you this, but-“  
\- Daenerys and Mesprit, during the journey to Volantis and from there Westeros._  
  
**_“DEEEEEAAAAATTTTTHHHHHH!!!”_**  
_\- Yveltal in Volantis (Translation unknown)._  
  
_“If this continues, there won’t be a Volantis left for you to convert!”  
\- Talisa Maegyr, to High Benerro of the Red Faith._  
  
_“Why are you even here, Celebi?”  
“Myr was boring…besides which, Uxie and Landorus are always telling us to try and ‘connect’ to each other. Don’t you want to ‘connect’ to me?”  
“For the love of sanity, do not answer that.”  
\- Virizion, Celebi and Terrakion in the ruins of Yunkai.  
  
“But what we will do? Without Ho-oh to guide us, won’t we go back to being simple mules?”  
“ **Frankly my dear, I don’t** – actually you know what, I **do** know what we should do. We shall all invade Hyrkoon since they haven’t yet suffered from our Arrival – just in the interest of fairness, of course.”  
‘- Barry the Musdale and Entei, the latter proving once again that he was a terrible candidate for godhood._  
  
_“You must be Daenerys...I’ve heard a lot about you, from travellers...My name is Aegon; Aegon Targaryen. I’m your nephew.”  
\- Aegon Targaryen/Blackfyre/Waters/etc, upon meeting his aunt in Volantis._  
  
  
_I feel that we should be more worried by Articuno’s kidnapping than we are…  
_  
**He’ll be fine.**  
  
_Tell that to Mew or Raikou._  
  
**…They’ll be fine. We’ve got our best men working on it.**  
  
_You really count Celebi and Jirachi as 'best men'?_  
  
**Well, no. But Landorus is okay and Heatran is a genuine badass.**  
  
_You know what, never mind. I need to continue writing the story._  
  
To describe Daenerys Targaryen’s reaction to learning the state of Westeros as pleasant is one of the greatest lies I have ever heard. Poor Mesprit still complains that she hasn’t got her hearing back fully and considering the healing skills of Landorus and Diancie that is quite a problem. Assuming she is lying or exaggerating, both of which are quite possible considering her nature. I however am prepared to accept her statement on this one occasion, considering that I and several other Legendries – including Kyurem, once he had calmed down – did hear a faint echo of her anger despite the ridiculous distances involved.  
  
Regardless, at the time Daenerys was being informed of this she and her companions were heading into the harbour of Volantis to refill their supplies for the journey to Westeros. The young queen also wished to gain help from the Old Blood of the city in ‘taking back’ her homeland’, though this was considered a longshot by everyone who heard the plan. The ruling class of Volantis were notoriously xenophobic and despised the idea of leaving the paradise they had created inside the walls; even with promises of conquest and _dragons_ before them. They also had other reasons for not leaving their protective walls, reasons that were discovered by Team Targaryen when they spotted the enormous red bird roosting atop the Temple of R'hllor (an Essosi god fond of fire, scantily-clad ‘priestesses’ and prophecies that made little to no sense). Yveltal had been transported to Volantis during ‘The Arrival’ and had swiftly made her presence known by simply talking. As most of you will know by now, her manner of speaking is to scream ‘Death’ at an increasingly loud volume in the hopes that someone understands what she is saying. Sadly no one to my knowledge has yet managed this, putting her on the same level as Deoxys in communicative ability. Coincidentally, Deoxys was also one of Daenerys’ followers along with Mesprit, for some reason that made sense in his alien mind.  
  
Mesprit was anxious to move on as quickly as possible, since she sensed that Daenerys and her would soon be needed in Westeros to deal with two angry/temporarily insane dimension dragons – possibly three if Giratina got involved. Like the last attempted enslavement of Dialga and Palkia, all three of us ‘Lake Spirits’ had agreed to select a suitable champion to assist in reversing the effects. I of course was already done with my part in the plan, having recruited a young man named Marth ( _I liked the name_ ) as my champion in the coming battle. Mesprit was doing reasonably well in bringing hers into the arena. Azelf hadn’t even begun, despite his arguments of choosing Stannis Baratheon or Robb Stark; considering he was nowhere to be found when both of them met their deaths, this is one again another lie on his part. As well as an example of how lazy the ‘being of willpower’ actually is.  
  
_‘Sigh’_  
  
Yveltal at least was doing something with her time, unlike my brother; though the Volantines would have probably preferred the Lake Spirit, considering that the Dark Phoenix had gone too long without a regeneration ritual. Usually Xerneas would be on hand as a calming influence considering that they both primarily inhabited the Kalos region; but he currently was busy with young Shireen Baratheon in the crownlands. Therefore large parts of Volantis now resembled smouldering craters filled with piles of ash that had once been human. And unlike various other places in the world (such as Braavos), the local government – and the local priesthood – were doing nothing to solve the problem. Granted, they couldn’t have driven off Yveltal even if they did try, but the acknowledgment that their citizens lives bore some value would have probably saved them several rebellions once Yveltal finally left the city. Strangely enough this had barely affected trade, since my relative fears the ocean after an infamous incident that required remarking the Fiorre region from scratch. I shall not describe said incident here, or else Moltres will never speak to me again.  
  
In certain other regions in central Essos, other events were ongoing as well – though they were somewhat less destructive than Yvertal’s rampage. The Legendary Swords (minus Keldeo but with the addition of Celebi) had finished their destruction of the region known as Slaver’s Bay and were now celebrating their victory in the crater formerly known as Yunkai. Cobalion had finally allowed someone to look at his broken leg, with his sister Virizion sending a telepathic message to Landorus (currently on the Summer Islands) for advice. Neither of them got a ‘thank you’, since the master of the Four Swords doesn’t appreciate any reminder that he is fallible. This did mark the last time he went cliff-diving however, until some safety straps were created by Magearna (see the following chapter for her current situation). Meanwhile to the north, in the Dothraki Plains Entei had taken control due to Ho-oh deciding that his presence was no longer required. By which I mean he went into a long nap on top of a mountain and refused to talk to anyone. Entei, being unused to commanding anything bigger than a small boat, had immediately declared war of the state of Hyrkoon to the east. To this day I cannot understand his reasons for doing so, but I assume the combined stress of _eeveelution_ and the resurrection performed by Ho-oh have somewhat dented his common sense.  
  
I will not cover the war with Hyrkoon here, for it was a long and relatively uninteresting conflict due to the people of Hyrkoon taking the most sensible option and fleeing whenever Entei appeared. To date it remains the only ‘war’ where the side with Pokémon lost while fighting a side with just swords and spears.  
  
Back in Volantis, Daenerys had decided that she needed to either drive off or recruit Yveltal to her cause. The city could not be allowed to suffer anymore, even if much of the population were cruel degenerates. This was brave of the Targaryen and an early example of the greatness that made her such a beloved figure in the latter stages of this conflict. Sadly, it was also _extremely_ foolish and two of her three dragons were slain (Drogon and Rhaegal) the moment Yveltal noticed them. Daenerys herself was badly injured when the former crash-landed and would walk with a limp for the rest of her natural life. That life would be rather short if she didn’t move quickly, for the Dark Phoenix fully intended to finish off her other dragon to ‘conquer the challenger’ (I must assume that is her reasoning, since I am unable to confirm the matter). It was a stroke of good luck that Yveltal hadn’t just decided to use Oblivion Wing to wipe out everything at the start of the battle.  
  
The last Targaryen’s first act was to untangle herself from the corpse of Drogon, while screeching at her remaining dragon to flee the city. Judging by what her next actions, she intended to attract the Dark Phoenix’s attention onto herself, to ensure that her remaining ‘child’ could escape. This was also extremely brave and proved slightly less dangerous to her, as Deoxys quickly swooped in to rescue her before Yveltal reduced the area to rubble. Once Daenerys was at a safe distance (about three miles away), Deoxys returned to avenge the dead dragons and drive Yveltal from the city. As both of the two legendries were very powerful, this was surely be a close contest of might: the fates themselves must have been watching, just as they were in the northern city of Braavos where Latios, Regigigas and Giratina met Shadow Lugia in battle.  
  
However, the fates apparently didn’t like Deoxys, as he was killed instantly by an Oblivion Wing to the face.  
  
As such, Yveltal was free to continue doing what he wanted since there was nothing left to fight him, Mesprit certainly wasn’t going to. Daenerys still wished to however and might have even risked it, but for two occurrences. The first was the arrival of her nephew (presumably) Aegon Targaryen, thought dead for fifteen or so years after the actions of Gregor Clegane during the final days of Robert’s Rebellion. Aegon proposed an alliance with his aunt and a possible marriage, though he was extremely perturbed by the news that only one of her three dragons was still alive; along with only one of her ‘magical beasts’. Still it was a good offer on both their parts, for even one dragon is a game-changer and Aegon did have the power of the Golden Company (an extremely successful sellsword group with Blackfyre history) behind him. But such things would have to wait, for Mesprit had finally lost patience in her dealings and proceeded to inform Daenerys of the _exact reason she needed to be in Westeros **now**._  
  
Needless to say, Daenerys flew northwest on Viserion that very night.  
  
  
_I just have to remind everyone, that this era wasn't really a shining moment for anyone. You might consider the Legendary Pokemon to be jackasses - you'd be right - but the humans were not any better at-  
  
WHY AM IN A SACK?!_  
  
**Pfftph. You things really do have no periphal vision.  
**  
_This is really undignified!  
_  
**Shut it! May, do you have the other one?  
**  
Yep. This idiot actually thought he was the world's strongest Pokemon or something. _'Laughs'_  
  
**I told you, think even slightly ahead and these things will fall like dominoes.**


	30. Gorgossos Sucks! (and so does Necrozma)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon ahead.

**Gorgossos Sucks! (and so does Necrozma)**  
**The South Blows!**

  
“On second thoughts, let’s not go to Sothoryos, tis a silly place.”  
\- Captain Lonce de Peon, regarding the events consuming the southernmost known continent.  
  
“Seriously, why are we in this universe?!”  
“Graaaaaggghhh…”  
\- Kroq-gar (and Grymloq), questioning the false advertising of the author.  
  
“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-“  
\- Anyone at Gorgossos. ANYONE.  
  
“I see it now, the fate that awaits all of us…”  
“What fate?”  
“We shall die with the dragons’ tears. We shall rise with the feline’s rage. We shall go forth, as ourselves…but not as we are.  
\- The One-eyed Seer and an unwilling listener.  
  
“It took you thirty chapters to get to me? Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy?!”  
\- Necrozma, while throwing a brick at Lunala’s head.  
  
FREE ME AND I SHALL GRANT YOU THAT WHICH YOU SEEK.  
\- The Shadow of Nagod, to Necrozma.  
  
Good Evening, I am Brian Solgaleo and this is ‘A History of the Pre-Cataclysm Westeros’. With me is my co-host, Amanda Lunala. Hello Amanda.  
  
_Hello Brian. How are you?_  
  
Excellent, thank you very much. In our last episode, we covered the Battles of Volantis and the ongoing struggles of Daenerys Joan Targaryen. Also featured were the Legendary Pokémon Damien Yvertal, Matilda Mesprit and Deoxys, though the latter sadly departed this world for the next.  
  
_Well, for the time being at least._  
  
‘Laughs’  
  
_This week, we will be turning our attention to the ‘legendary’ southern continent of Sothoryos; also known as ‘The Endless Jungle’, ‘The Green Hell’ and ‘Quite Literally the nastiest place in the cosmos.’ Here we shall focus on the actions of the legendries Fredrick Zygarde – currently in the Basilisk Isles – and our cousin Anubis Necrozma, currently in the depths of the great jungle._  
  
It seems oddly fitting that two of our most mysterious brethren would end up on this continent, doesn’t it Amanda?  
  
_Indeed. For those of you who are not familiar with Sothoryos in this age, it was perhaps the most unknown region of the world. Not just to the inhabitants of Westeros and Essos-_  
  
And Ulthos.  
  
_And Ulthos, yes. But it was also unknown to its own inhabitants, the somewhat poorly named ‘Brindled Men’. Some of our relatives have equated them to orcs…which is both extremely racist **Kyogre** and confusing, since we are nowhere near Arda and the domain of Eru._  
  
We’re closer to that place with all the super-zombies!  
  
_‘Chuckles’_  
  
Now then, the early history of Sothoryos is sadly unknown to us due to the fact that any sources have not survived to the present day. We can infer however, that in the time before humans – prior to even the Age of Heroes – the continent was inhabited by a great variety of races. These included at least three varieties of lizardmen, along with rhinomen, batmen and giant sentient hamsters. There were however no ratmen, despite the rumours.  
  
_Personally, I blame Hoopa._  
  
That seems a reasonable conclusion.  
  
_Aside from the mortal races, there were also…darker beings at work. Eldritch entities that lurked in super-ancient ruins, drove people insanity with ease, were usually malevolent and had hundreds of tentacles and thousands of eyes. For those of you familiar with H.O.Lustwork’s collection of Mythos, this will all sound very familiar._  
  
Not that we are accusing the resident creator gods of anything.  
  
_Of course not._  
  
Why would you suggest such a thing?  
  
_The thought of it!_  
  
We are all very offended.  
  
_Anyway, a certain number of these eldritch abominations had endured to the present day, in places such as the Shadow Lands, Leng, the far north **and** the far east-_  
  
And of course, Sothoryos itself. The most ‘infamous’ of these creatures had to be the one that resided within the City of Yeen, though his(?) infamy merely stemmed from the fact that he was the most northerly of his kind. The one that will draw our attention today is the entity inhabiting the City of Nagod, which translates to ‘forethought’ in the common tongue (aka. Sinnohese). That city rested deep within the great desert that commands the southern interior of the continent, across a long dead riverbed.  
  
_Before dealing with that however, I think it would be prudent to examine the situation with Fredrick – if that is okay Brian?_  
  
By all means Amanda.  
  
_Excellent. As mentioned earlier, Fredrick Zygarde had been deposited in the Basilisk Isles during the Arrival; to be precise on the Isle of Toads. This island was not extremely remarkable in the modern world – indeed, Fredrick was one of the few legendary Pokémon to go unnoticed by the natives for a period longer than a few hours (he managed two weeks) – but in the ancient world was heavily involved in the rites of some fallen race. We know this due to the island’s most noteworthy feature; a giant statue of a toad carved from oily black stone._  
  
It is unknown to us what the Toad Stone was carved for, only that it does not friendly in the slightest.  
  
_I assume it was meant to represent the Hypnotoad._  
  
Don’t be silly, Amanda. Now then, Fredrick had landed on this island with the Arrival and immediately set to creating a suitable habitat for itself. It was similar in some respects to my activities in the Plains of the Jhoqos Nhai, where I created a tropical forest for myself due to missing Alola.  
  
_Coincidently that forest stands to this day, even though we have both moved to warmer climes._  
  
Indeed. He was eventually discovered by a corsair known as Rohisherpot Umbolcus (an odd name to be sure), who decided to mine the strange substance he found grown in the caves of the island. This did not please Fredrick.  
  
_According to legend, the resulting physic blast could be seen from Volantis._  
  
It could certainly be seen from Gorgossos on the Isle of Tears, which is where the next part of our story begins.  
  
The ‘Tenth Free City’ as it is sometimes called, has a long and truly terrible history. It was founded some three-thousand years prior to the conquest of Westeros as Gorgai by the ancient Empire of Ghis (this figure is commonly stated as five-thousand plus, which is wrong). During the third Ghiscari War, it was conquered by the Valyrian Freehold who gave the city its present name. Valyria converted it into a penal colony for the worst criminals in their Empire, but that is only the beginning of the horror that took place there.  
  
_Squeamish Readers may wish to cuddle a Mudkip Doll during this next part. If you don’t have one, our sponsors at ‘The Mantarys Puppet Company’ are willing to sell one for a very respectable price._  
  
Now then, the Valyrian Freehold was a civilisation built on magic – they could not survive without it, though indeed magic itself was their downfall. However, some of the magic they wished to perfect was too monstrous to be performed at home; the worse kings of blood magic, the experiments with dragon blood and of course the creation of hybrids. In pits darker than night, slave women would be forced to mate with beasts and worse to produce these monsters; in the hope that their creation would revolutionise life for an uncaring Empire.  
  
_It is a great mercy that all of the hybrids were dead by the time of the Arrival. A number of the descendants of their creators remained however, inbred and insane **but alive.**_  
  
More’s the pity.  
  
_They saw the power of Fredrick as an opportunity rather than as a warning and quickly began their journey northwards to the Isle of Toads. Once there, they conducted themselves in a wiser manner than the unfortunate corsair and so did not disturb the legendary’s slumber. Instead they conducted analysis and experiments on the rocks created by Fredrick. They never broke the substance or even touched it, merely using their command of the magical arts to learn what they could._  
  
That is, until they came across one of Fredrick’s cells, that had become separated from his main body. It was only by accident that they learned they could tamper with the cell without alerting the main creature; which they of course did – after returning home to the Isle of Tears. The results of their experimentation? A matter for another _time_.  
  
‘Both shiver in fright’  
  
_I suggest that Barry covers that matter; he has a strong stomach._  
  
Agreed, I’ll bring up the idea to him later. Anyway, in the meantime of all these occurrences in the north, Anubis had arrived in the great southern desert. Due to him not needing to eat or drink, this was not an issue – though I doubt he particularly enjoyed the experience. After wandering for days, he came across a black city stretched out across an ancient riverbed. As one would expect, this city was built out of oily black stone. As one would expect, it was inhabited by it’s own eldritch abomination.  
  
_In ages past, this horror had preyed upon the tribes of the once fertile land; luring young members of their society into it’s dark reaches where they would be never seen again. Due to the desertification of the area however, it had not met a sentient creature in ten thousand years since all the tribes had long since died off or migrated._  
  
This was why it did not kill of Anubis and instead deigned to speak with him, offering him great powers and rewards if only he would be carried from this prison. And Necrozma listened, for there was one reward he desired above all others.  
  
_Us._  
  
Yes. Or to be more precise, **anything** that could grant it relief from it’s eternal agony. For those of you familiar with the second Alola incident, you will be not be surprised to know that Necrozma’s well-known form is not in fact it’s original body. In ages past, it appeared as a shining golden dragon of immense power – indeed, it is…speculated that it was originally the Ultra-Space counterpart for **Arceus** (Llama-Dad and Fetus-Dad refuse to confirm this). Due to an accident however, it was trapped in it’s dark form and exiled into the known world in eternal agony.  
  
_There is a very strong similarity to Kyurem therefore, though Necrozma admittedly still retains all parts of itself. To return to normal however, it would be forced to consume a being of light – which effectively translates to either myself, Brian, Ho-oh or Arceus. And I do mean consume, for the victim involved in the transformation would be destroyed entirely.  
_  
So as you can imagine, we would rather not participate.  
  
_Indeed._  
  
Now, Necrozma couldn’t retrieve his original self by consuming the being in the city of Nagod; but his unique power did allow him to combine with it for the sake of transport. And so, after explaining his desire to the horror of Nagod and retrieving his allegiance, he did so as he had once done with myself or Lunala depending on the reality. And with that done, the two headed northeast to take their place in the final wars of this era. Blood would shortly follow for all concerned.  
  
_And that is all we have time for this morning. Join us next time, as we journey to the Vale for a Battle worthy of Legends! I’m Amanda Lunala, this is Brian Solgaleo and you’ve been reading ‘A History of the Pre-Cataclysm Westeros’. Thank you and goodbye!_  
  
Goodbye!  
  
  
**A rather confused Jirachi: You guys know this is a book right...not a history program?**  
  
Solgaleo: Yes?  
**  
Jirachi: So why have you written it as a history program?**  
  
_Lunala: Isn't this how all books are written?_


	31. Of Gods and Men

**Of Gods and _Men_  
The Death of Westeros I**

  
“I hate you.”  
“I hate you more!”  
“Nah-uh, I hate you more than that!”  
“My hatred burns within the primordial magma!”  
“MY HATRED IS A FUCKING TSUNAMI, COCK!”  
“BITCH!”  
“SHITHEAD!”  
“WAILORD BOTHERER!”  
“NUMEL FONDLER!”  
“THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!!”  
“YOU DON’T MAKE ANY-“  
\- Kyogre and Groudon  
  
“ **FOR THE LOVE OF ME, WOULD YOU TWO JUST FIGHT ALREADY!!!”**  
\- Palkia, screeching at the above.  
  
“Father. Mother. Warrior. Maiden. Smith. Crone…Stranger. Guide to me everlasting rest, in your grace.”  
\- The Last Words of Yohn Royce, Lord of Runestone  
  
“Dialga…?”  
“Oh…”  
“What have they done?”  
“And where is Rayquaza?”  
\- Palkia and Dialga, at Spear Pillar 5  
  
Do we have a theme tune? I would like a theme tune.  
  
**Books don’t have theme tunes, Solgaleo!**  
  
Why ever not? They do in the ultra-verse.  
  
**Because the ultra-verse is fucking weird!**  
  
Language, Elizabeth.  
  
**My name is Jirachi!**  
  
Of course it is, my dear. Would you like a lollypop?  
  
**Screw you, I’m going back to Hoenn.**  
  
Language, darling!

\----------------

Good Evening, I am Brian Solgaleo and this is ‘A History of the Pre-Cataclysm Westeros’. With me is my co-host, Amanda Lunala. Hello Amanda.  
  
_Hello Brian. How are you?_  
  
Excellent, thank you very much. In our last episode, we covered the events in Sothoryos and the Basilisk Isles. Also featured were the Legendary Pokémon Fredrick Zygarde and our cousin Anubis Necrozma.  
  
_This episode, we will be focussing on the cataclysmic events in the Vale and the destruction wrought there by Jason Groudon and Alexa Kyogre._  
  
Or to be more precise, the destruction wrought by them fighting. Again.  
  
_And Rayquaza failing to turn up to stop them fighting. Again._  
  
Truly he deserved his punishment. Ahem, as Amanda was saying this episode deals with the Vale. Perhaps the most Andal of Westeros’ kingdoms, this mountainous realm had long since been the domain of House Arryn by the time of the Arrival. The Arryns were known primarily for their honour and as paragons of chivalry, but also for the military might they commanded.  
  
_Part of this military strength stemmed from the excellent defences that House Arryn could rely on. The mountains of the Vale formed a natural barrier against any invasion, with the only good entrance through them being commanded by the legendary fortress known as the Bloody Gate. No army in history had ever breeched those walls – and even if one did, the Eyrie – the capital of the Vale – was protected by another strong fortress and the fact that an invader would be forced to climb a mountain to assail it._  
  
This did not protect them from enemies that flied however, or foes that didn’t have to worry about such simple things as ‘mountains’. In those rare situations, the mountains were more of an issue than a defence; for the barriers that kept the Rivermen, Northmen, etcetera out…also kept the Valemen in.  
  
_This fact doomed the Vale._  
  
…a bit of an overstatement, but yes.  
  
The effects of Fred Dialga’s and Freda Palkia’s arrival were relatively minor, except on the political scale. Only the inhabitants of the Eyrie and those few knights who dared challenge the might of the two lost their lives and even then those who ran fast enough managed to escape. More people were probably murdered by Elizabeth-  
  
**JIRACHI!!!**  
  
-Elizabeth during her ‘visit’ to the region.  
  
**We don’t even have names, stop giving us them you creep!**  
  
_I think it’s enchanting._  
  
**You’re just as bad!**  
  
I am trying to write a story here, Elizabe-  
  
**Oh for the love of- GET OVER HERE!!!**  
  
_‘Fighting ensues’_  
  
**I’LL GRIND YOU INTO PASTE!**  
  
Elizabeth, this is highly unortho-DID YOU JUST RIP SOME OF MY MANE OUT?!  
  
**DAMN RIGHT I DID!**  
  
YOU SHALL BURN!  KAMAHAMAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
_‘Fighting continues’_  
  
_While they do that, I shall continue presenting this episode. As Brian was saying, more people were probably murdered by Jirachi following his rescue of Myrcella and Tommen Baratheon than by the Creation…duo (?) during their entire occupation of the Eyrie’s mountain. On the political side of things, there were more issues owing to the death of Robert Arryn. With him dead, the owner of the Falcon Throne was not entirely certain since he had no siblings or children. Nor did he have any uncles, aunts or cousins since too much of the Arryn line had perished in Robert’s Rebellion._  
  
**I’LL NAIL YOUR PUBES TO A CHALKBOARD!**  
  
_Quite. The best candidate for the new lord was Ser Harrold Hardyn, the son of one of Jon Arryn’s nieces. He certainly possessed the best blood claim, but he was not particularly popular in the Vale and was a known puppet of Lady Anya Waynwood. The thought of one of their ‘comrades having that much power over them was surely why several other candidates who were perceived as ‘fairer’ managed to gain any significant support in the region. Most famous of these was a certain Jason Arryn, a merchant living in Gulltown who was put forth by House Grafton as an alternative candidate._  
  
IN BRIGHTEST DAY, IN BLACKEST NIGHT; NO SHITHEAD WILL ESCAPE MY SIGHT!  
  
_Oh for Arceus sake- This situation continued for several months, while the rest of Westeros went through rulers quicker than even Orre. Harrold Arryn, did eventually manage to gain enough support to make himself ruler of the Vale; though it took far longer than he or his primary supporters had hoped. Jason Arryn was quietly murdered by the Graftons on fake charges when they realised he had no chance of winning and wished to spare themselves punishment. Unluckily for them, the Vale as a whole had bigger problems._  
  
**HELP! I’M IN A SACK! I’M IN A SACK!**  
  
_I really miss the Digimon; they never behaved like this when they came over to visit._  
  
I’M IN A SACK AS WELL! AMANDA HELP!  
  
_Help yourself, Brian. In the meantime of this great debate, a bunch of the mountain clans who inhabited the Vale had managed to awaken the legendary Groudon; who proceeded to drown much of the northern mountains in lava and achieved a kill count that only Shadow Lugia and Ho-oh might be able to challenge. And that was only in the opening moments of his rampage. Slowly but surely, the tita- ‘Sounds of muffled panicking’_  
  
**_Slowly but surely, the demon headed south, bringing ruin to the whole fucking place. Heya guys, it’s me and since these abominations couldn’t stop fighting long enough to save themselves or finish this, I better do it instead. I can hardly write it worse, can I? I am not a inbred idiot._**  
  
**_Before continuing, let’s discuss the lives taken by Groudon. I’m told that the casualties were approaching a million men, women and children by the time Yohn Royce spotted the thing; a million lives snuffed out for what? Boredom? Disinterest? Why couldn’t the blasted thing stay buried if this is the cost of him awakening! None of them deserved to die! Not like this, at least – scared, terrified as their homes cracked apart in an avalanche of fire and death. I imagine Groudon’s brethren laughed at the casualties, or shrugged them off perhaps. Figures. What was the phrase Davos said, ‘When madness takes a god man is lost?’ Well if all the gods are mad, what does man do then?!  
  
If the universe was just, they would all fall over and die. As it isn’t, more direct actions are necessary._**  
  
**_The destruction of the Vale is proof of why that is necessary. Groudon and Kyogre’s battle – oh by the way, SPOILER ALERT KYOGRE IS HERE AS WELL – ruined the region. Why the blasted whale couldn’t stay with the Ironborn I don’t know, but she decided to try and beat the shit of her brother now that she could turn into her primal form thanks to the blue orb. Why it was in the basement of Oldtown doesn’t matter; what it caused did! The tsunami flattened Pentos for fuck’s sake! How can they justify that! How do they even dare!_**  
  
**_From what I’ve heard of the Ironborn, they probably would dare. Kyogre and Groudon definitely did – and only made things worse when not only did that damn green lizard NOT SHOW UP but the fire jerk managed to get hold of his orb as well! How does this even happen? You think they would learn from what happened in my world, where Hoenn no longer exists! But that’s expecting too much isn’t it; whoever heard of a bloody legendary that could learn – not me for one!_**  
  
‘Muffled muttering’  
  
**_What was that?_**  
  
You might have a few anger issues, Miss May.  
  
**_And for that, you get to wear the ball gag on the way back home._**  
  
No, not the ball gag! Please! No! No-mhhhff. Mhhhhfff!  
  
**_Anyway…to make a long story short, Groudon went Primal as well and the resulting eruption turned the entire Vale into a fucking SUPERVOLCANO. Everyone died, lords and smallfolk alike! Among the many, many victims were Harrold Arryn’s court, Myrcella Baratheon’s court, the cities of Gulltown and Saltpans, the Mountain Clans and quite a few people suffering from asthma! In short, at least 3 million people!_**  
  
****_Do you see it now readers? Do you realise why we must do_ what we do? These demons cannot be allowed to destroy more lives. I will not let them! None of us will! Every legendary, including the few 'nice ones' like Melotta and Uxie is now an enemy of pokeworld!

...Did you just quote Star Wars?

 

**A Selection of Last Words**

  
_“Let me be brave…”  
\- Harrold Hardyn/Arryn, at the End of his life._  
  
_“What was that-”  
\- Anya Waynwood at the End of her life._  
  
_“Now this is good wine!”  
\- Illyrio Mopatis, at the End of his life._  
  
_“Brother!”  
\- Myrcella Baratheon, at the End of her life._  
  
_“Cella! No!”  
\- Tommen Baratheon, at the End of his life._  
  
_“This Blows.”  
\- Mya Stone, at the End of her life._  
  
_“FUCK.”  
\- Gendry Waters at the End of his life._  
  
_“Father! Mother! Robb! JON!”  
\- Arya Stark, at the End of her life._  
  
**_“I hate you all.”_**  
_\- Raikou, at the (temporary) End of his life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYONE DIES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


End file.
